Instead of Helping Me

Instead of helping me,
As I’ve discussed frequently,
They’ll use my weakness against me,
Even knowingly,
Since it’s an easy way,
To feel more “powerful”,
Do to my weakness,
That they can’t blatantly,
overtly beat,
Conveniently,

Instead of helping me,
They’ll assume I have equally less adversity,
That interferes with “helping myself”,
Sufficiently,
With no regard of how I’m challenged atypically,
And even if to whatever extent they know,
They still won’t care equally to when they didn’t know previously,
Unfortunately,

Instead of helping me,
They’ll assume,
All my problems are due to me “not helping myself properly”,
With no regard of my atypical neurological and/or emotional adversity,
Which has shaped my inner development,
And was exacerbated as expected..
By being severely mistreated,
In this dominant culture,
dominated and filled with inner insecurity,
With an insatiable tendency to cleanse it externally..
Such as conveniently power tripping over me,
Thanks to my developmental atypical forms of adversity,
Such my challenges to be inwardly cognizant of my decisions,
For consistent better decisions,

Instead of helping me have more self-control and be less triggered by opinions of others,
who cause them to treat me,
and increase the unique level of pain that’s in me ALREADY,
Others will make what’s hard for me,
As they throw (often false) closed-minded, hard to listen to,
judgments,
At and around me,
While the same occurs often on TV..,
In addition to advertisements that ultimately..
Are just trying to take more from me,

Instead of helping me,
They don’t care to understand,
And if they they do,
Instead of helping,
They’re still hard on me..

Instead of helping me,
They’ll just criticize,
instead of offering me,
New practices to improve my performance(s) and/or experience(s),

Instead of helping me,
They’ll look for,
and point out,
everything that’s wrong with me,
Instead of teaching and/or kindly suggesting and/or empathetically assisting me,
To help me learn,
What I could do differently,
To even develop my own peace,
Awareness and equanimity,

Instead of helping me,
They seemingly won’t consider,
Nor are sufficiently aware,
Of how to more clearly and deeply help themselves,
For themselves and others,
For a greater appreciation and experience of each day to day moment,
To be more aware of the present,
in which life occurs,
To appreciate more,
To clear,
To be more free from inner unconscious pain and insecurity,
That emanates onto me,
Exacerbating how much inner painful difficulty I have already,
Similar to what I said in the fourth stanza,
in this post,
evidently,
already..,

Instead of helping me,
By joining me,
On a conscious expansion inner and present path journey,
They prefer to go through the motions shallow and surfacely,
At least speaking for many,
Speaking for based on how I often see,

Instead of helping me,
They’ll think I need to be “punished severely”,
They’ll shut me down,
instead of opening me up,
They’ll fill me with more fear,
Instead of helping me clear,
My past trauma that has given me difficult emotions like too much fear,

Instead of helping me,
Help themselves as well as myself develop inwardly,
To heal materialistic nihilism,
To heal dysfunction and delusional, harmful,
violent ideology,
externally,
They’ll won’t question themselves internally,
And will get sucked into belief systems unquestionably,

Instead of helping me,
Question and open to infinitely new forms of infinite expanding and infinite deepening capability,
They’ll close down to belief systems that “think they know all there is to know” and/or “all that is needed to know”,
As they do NOT question,
Continuously..

Instead of helping me,
They’ll go through the moments unconsciously,
Disregarding their own capability,
As well as their own needed attention to their own emotions,
And my emotions entirely,
Or not close to sufficiently,
Since if they’re more aware of what they need to be for themselves,
They’ll also be more aware of how they affect others (including me) more than they were (if ever) previously..?
Of course there (to me) are always new and/or infinite reasons to be more aware presently than we are presently..
I know I struggle at doing this consistently,
And I struggle when doing it consistently,
But the more I do it,
The more I prefer doing it than not doing it..
Of course in the moments when I feel I’m feeling more of a benefit I wish (or gladly, surprisingly) experience (or feel) from it,

Instead of helping me,
Develop more of mine and all our capability,
As I know I said similarly,
But to emphasize..
They’ll remain shut down,
In convenient,
Conformist,
Materialistic,
Drug induced conformity,

Instead of helping me,
They’ll suck me in to toxic behavior,
That they’ll live long in,
If and only if they’re,
VERY LUCKY,

Instead of helping me,
They’ll exacerbate my atypical learning and emotional challenges,
Even if they understand,
They still won’t help themselves have more self-control like patience for me,
To help make what’s more hard for me,
Less hard consistently,
And to make what’s hard for them to be around less hard internally,
Like annoying energy I’m giving to them UNINTENTIONALLY..,
(For example obviously(?)),

Instead of helping me,
After listening to me,
Instead of remembering me explain why I struggle with certain types of adversity,
Why I struggle to do what I know how to,
Due to my inner weight,
made heavier,
and more painful,
due to my history (such as being bullied),
That distracts me,
frequently (such as OCD inhibiting, if not blinding my awareness which my insecure obsessive ego focuses on for “security” (although it never works ultimately.. since it does NOT arrive at to heal the true inner forms of pain (or trauma(s)) as I explained similarly..)),
So when I tell them why I mess up and what I know I can do easily (for example),
They’ll say they “understand me”,
And then,
Regardless if they remember it,
They’ll still mistreat me,
As they did repeatedly,
Before I clearly explained to them my type of atypical adversity,

Instead of helping me,
(Similar to the above stanza.. (to say it more briefly)),
Through their understanding of my atypical adversity,
They’ll dismiss it completely,
(Regardless of how intentional or unintentionally),
And they’ll continue,
To mistreat me the same,
Continuously,

Instead of helping me,
Even if they can,
Not only understand me,
But ALSO can emphasize with me,
additionally,
They’ll still go back to mistreating me,
As if they never heard,
Or felt,
Why I feel,
behave and struggle the way I do,
Yet hate to,
Or simply prefer NOT to..

Instead of helping me,
Boost all our spirit,
To all feel less like shit,
They’ll continue to cultivate toxic energy,
And when it exacerbates the toxic feeling already in me,
I’ll get more unconscious,
To block it out with harmful longer term effects (that I’ll more likely experience in the future due to my unaware behavior..),
That’ll be far more toxic for me,
Since they (regardless of however intentional or unintentionally),
Didn’t cleanse,
The contaminated, toxic energy spirit,
That they permeate (or emanate(?)),
Unconsciously, carelessly and uncontrollably,
Without consideration of what the present actually can be..,

Instead of helping me,
They’ll make what’s already too hard,
Unnecessarily harder for me,
And the reasons for this,
Of course,
Have been listed clearly why this occurs,
All instead of helping me,

Instead of helping me,
By helping themselves,
Have less resistance,
And more acceptance of what they don’t like in the present,
Such as my low-confident,
anxious,
obsessive energy,
They could,
But do NOT,
UNFORTUNATELY..
Properly proceed down paths,
To respond less painfully,
To external adversity,
Even if it’s me,
But if they decided to,
If they had more support,
Better experiences,
Creating more of a true, meaningful incentive to,
Well..
Aside from helping me,
It will,
(Seemingly to me),
help themselves,
And create a better inner, peacefully aware foundation,
To heal dysfunction,
And expand into greater,
clearer awareness,
For greater,
clearer progress,
With experiencing,
Such as deepening and/or expanding appreciating the present on whatever micro, macro,
surface or deep,
profound spiritual level,
We may be,
Experiencing,
Presently,
All instead of helping me,
And themselves..
Evidently

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