To me..
The reality is,
I assume that,
Most members in all groups,
don’t accept me for who I presently am and how I presently struggle,
So staying as sane as can be,
For me,
Is an ongoing painful challenge constantly,
The reality is,
That the more negativity there is,
The more harmful unconscious emotional energy there is from others,
The more likely I’ll get contaminated by it,
The more likely I’ll get destroyed,
if not killed by it..
The reality is,
that denying it,
won’t heal it,
won’t cleanse it,
The reality is,
That trying to ignore it,
Trying to push it down,
Trying to inwardly compact it,
Will make it grow and take over our consciousness,
As it builds in us in whatever directions,
With a force similar to a garbage “baler and compactor”,
And even if that wasn’t the most precise metaphor..
Well..
I think I adequately painted the picture,
..
The reality is,
I can express how I feel,
in a civilized way,
Yet,
If I don’t see a way,
to not excessively whine about it,
Or if I don’t see a way to NOT add more unconscious negative energy to it,
The processes of healing as much I can of it,
Will LESS likely work,
The reality is,
Although my reality could be infinitely worse,
The reality still is,
There’s too many assholes,
And..
I’m also too hypersensitive,
Due to innate hypersensitive emotional reaction tendencies and learning struggles that got exacerbated by less innately vulnerable,
yet other insecure young individuals,
..
So finding the middle,
Detaching from dangerous unconsciousness,
Cleansing all the built up insecurity in me that makes me more vulnerable in environments of toxic energy,
Takes for me,
Proper consistent practice,
Or else,
It’ll MORE likely,
Destroy me even more than how others treating me like shit,
has unconsciously limited and/or inhibited me already,
To me based on the way I presently see (as always),
And..
Not to wish harm on anybody,
But instead of the institutions forcing me to take medication due to emotional difficulties in response to others being mean to me,
Why don’t the culprits of the harmful energy take the medication instead of me?
Yeah I get it..
Medication does NOT heal the sources of it,
It must only be used for true emergencies,
Yet,
I’m just tired of being blamed for feeling a certain way in response to how others treat me,
I’m just tired of making an effort to be nice to many others who don’t seem to know how to and/or make a similar effort..,
Clearly..
Bad and unkind energy,
is more likely to make the world a bad an unkind place,
Since in my belief (as always),
Enough good energy may contribute to healing the source of bad behavior,
To see clear,
And instead of focusing on unconscious inner toxic vengeance,
Why not try to cleanse past pain,
For a collective path towards ongoing increasingly profound satisfying present life experience..?
The reality is,
it’s too bad and sad,
That I’m dismissed as a hopeless dreamer,
Since I dream about what people are VERY capable of doing,
Although the unconscious impulsive and/or obsessive and/or insecure forces they’re locked in,
Prevent them from doing this..,
The reality is,
As my dad said empathetically,
And is what I see in me,
Thanks to the damn self-absorbed culture (among other stuff I mentioned),
Being passed down and permeating the consciousness of others who inflicted it on my atypical learning and emotional adversity,
My self-confidence has been..
ERODED,
IMMENSELY!!
The reality is,
Whether I remain in mainstream society or not,
I’m always going to encounter bullies,
assholes,
in whatever form,
race,
gender,
sexuality..
WHATEVER..
..
Who make what’s very hard for me,
So much harmfully harder,
Therefore,
Making it so much harder for me,
To NOT hit an emotional breaking point,
And therefore..
making my situation,
Whether I’m conscious of it or not,
Pointlessly,
So much damn HARDER,
The reality is,
If I don’t fit in to dysfunctional mainstream society,
I may be more vulnerable to what I believe is a “like-minded” community,
But is unconsciously a cult,
extremist ideology,
Or some group even WORSE or DANGEROUS for me than mainstream society..
So who is TRUTHFULLY sufficiently like-minded..?
Which people will truthfully make it less painful for me..?
Freakin seriously!!
Yes..
There are good people I know and trust,
Yet,
I just wanted to vent..,
..
The reality is,
To emphasize this although I kinda already (to whatever extent implicitly or explicitly) discussed this..,
If I don’t properly cultivate conscious self-control,
My unconscious hypersensitivity,
Will brutally add to my built up insecurity,
Therefore increasing emotional instability,
Which will further endanger me,
Of reacting in a way that’s life threatening,
To the next dickhead that blasts unconscious meanness at my unconscious immensely insecure emotional hypersensitivity,
So if the best environment I can find is still not a presently suitable one for where my awareness and inner painful emotional weight is at,
Well..,
I just have to find a way to consistently stay as strong as I can,
I must consistently clear and avoid as much emotional/awareness toxins from filling me as much as I can,
Because if I don’t,
The insatiable external seeking,
Inner processing disregarding,
Mainstream dysfunctional world,
As I said and/or thought about before and before..,
Will harm me even more,
To rephrase what I said before,
Another day,
May always entail plenty other dickheads in whatever forms to any extents,
Yet..
If I don’t have awareness for detaching from the world of unconsciousness,
It may spread,
To my head,
And knowing my innate atypical higher emotional and learning vulnerabilities,
And all the exacerbated insecurity in me..
What it would do to me,
Might be worse than most of everybody..?
I wish,
for no autism,
In my future present reality,
So,
The reality is,
I MUST sustain awareness,
To make it more likely,
That I’ll stay as safe as my present ability allows me to,
In this reality,
The reality is that most probably will..,
probably put insufficient to no effort,
into understanding and emphasizing with this,
Yet will just instead conveniently dismiss this,
due to the pernicious unconsciousness forces of harmful insecurity and low-confidence creating hopelessness, discouragement and resulting in laziness.. and/or whatever form to whatever extent(s) of individual or group craziness,
The reality is,
It’s just how,
There’s always more understanding beyond the walls of judgment,
I don’t intend judgment,
Just trying to somewhat explain what I believe,
What I think I feel,
In this present,
I wish for feeling less locked in obsessive compulsiveness,
which is what dominant unconscious bullying ego energy gave me,
..
I wish cleansing didn’t feel as painfully challenging and/or painfully unattainable and/or painfully unreachable for me,
I wish I felt more others shared a similar intention,
So I’d feel less alone in my attempt at self/spiritual improvement/awareness cultivation,
I wish,
Although life could be way worse,
I wish,
That others we’ll realize,
We’re capable of way more,
I wish,
Regardless of whatever extent(s) my belief(s) are wrong or right,
I wish,
To feel that more was functioning with continual less and less suffering,
I don’t always feel sure,
if most,
if not all what I say is too confusing and/or misleading..
Just another passing feeling..
And/or feelings..
Zach Dana Writing 