Words I Need

If I didn’t have the words,
The cruel energy would kill me,
Far more painfully,

If I didn’t have the words,
To make myself clear,
So others will more likely dismiss less,
Yet be more LIKELY,
more willing,
To hear more of the rest,
Of what I have to say,
..
I’d harmfully compress and suppress,
Less,

If I didn’t have the words,
I’d be less likely to clearly remember what I need to,
Such as the word “breathe”,
To increase my chances of regaining focus,
And not becoming dangerously unaware and unconscious,

If didn’t know the word “notice”,
I might more likely NOT notice,
Getting sucked into toxic energy,
Instead of reminding myself to NOTICE,
It passing through me (instead of filling me),
And detach from it consciously,
So “Noticing”,
To me,
Is the first step,
Towards cleansing,

Today while driving the flat bed at work,
When yelling “Excuse me!”
To an old man shopper so he could hear me,
He turned around and sarcastically yelled,
“That was so polite!!”,
And I said,
Essentially,
“No one is polite to me”, (referring to people who act like he was in that moment obviously.. Since of course that has felt often, yet NOT always the case..)
And however that made him feel,
To whatever extent he heard it or not..,
As I expected,
He then didn’t respond to me..

But if I didn’t have the words to describe that,
I’d be less likely to inwardly cleanse it,
Whether by reminding myself to write about it,
And I’d be less likely,
To notice my breath,
And the inward gradual detachment from the toxic energy,
So it won’t make me blind,
So it won’t control my inner feelings and mind,

And I’ve had so much meanness thrown at me,
And since for most of my life I didn’t have the words to remind me,
Of what to remember to prevent the energy from overtaking me,
I’ve developed brutal insecurity,
That’s been built up unconsciously,
So.. so much,
That..
Well,
It really bothers me,
And makes it harder for me to not conveniently block it out in ways that’s harmful for me,
Like recreational self-quick-fix-medicating,
Which when sober,
Will make,
And has made,
balancing the exacerbated insecure emotions,
EVEN HARDER..

Although I can’t possibly write everything bad that’s happened to me,
Every act of cruelness others did to me,
If I didn’t have the words,
To explain at least some of what I see as the big picture,
As for me it would more likely be inner torture,

(Or if I “could write everything painful others did to me”, my descriptions won’t likely be clear.. and I wouldn’t want to do that obsessively, because I want to focus on creating a bigger and bigger, clearer and clearer picture when writing, evidently..),

Well,
Although in my belief,
Words exist on the surface,
since they’re not the actual experience,

Although I believe that words can,
If used properly,
Be an opening to understanding,
if not emphasizing with,
Deeper and Deeper,
Clearer and Clearer,
experience,
Or however they make present experience a more meaningfully felt experience..,
?

So.. in other words,
To me,
It seems that,
Feelings in response to experience,
exist below the surface of words,

So although,
words,
still,
may remind me,
Of what I NEED to (or could) experience more deeply,

Of course,
In my belief,
Words can’t describe perfectly,

But if I didn’t have words,
Well,
As of where I’m at now,
I don’t know where I’d be,
Or may have done,

So aside from all the other creative outlets,
And inner healing methods,
Etc, etc..,
Although writing doesn’t completely and/or permanently heal me,
Although painful experiences I write about,
May still subsequently come back and cause pain in me,

Still..,

If I did not have words,
to express what I felt a need,
to write,
I believe I would less likely feel alright,

Aside from all the options of alleviating our pain through the hard moments,
Although I can always learn clearer and clearer words to describe experiences I feel a need to describe,
Or take a deeper and clearer look at,
For a clearer and deeper understanding,

Well,
For me,
Finding the words to share how I’m presently struggling,
Although it doesn’t guarantee and or any extent of a permanent alleviation to the pain and frustration,
Well..,
Having words,
Makes helps make me feel in control,
Because it helps me understand and remember,
To stay safe,
And cleanse as much as I can,

The ways I suffer

4 thoughts on “Words I Need

  1. Your writings, Zach, are very good at expressing your experiences and I congratulate you on doing a very good job of finding the words. I think your writings will help both you and others to understand the experiences of daily life.

    Like

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