Wishing I was one of Them

According to me..

Just because others have the same type of atypical (autistic) condition as me,
Does NOT guarantee their company is good for me,
It does NOT guarantee they’re like-minded and seek the same vision as me..
Such as because we all have different life experiences that shape us uniquely,
Etc, etc..
Obviously..

Just because others warn me,
That I’ll become “like my friends who I’m around”,
So I therefore must “choose friends wisely”,
Does NOT mean that they themselves are good for me,

Just because others may teach me profound life lessons,
Does NOT mean I should trust their actions towards me,
It does NOT mean they can do what they say enough to NOT be toxic for me,

Of course..
If they say they are “bad”,
Maybe to make me think they’re joking.. or whatever..
Then I must also stay away,
Since,
(In my present belief..),
Remaining aligned with good morals is harder,
Requires MORE consistent discipline on a deeper level,
Instead of (for example) insatiably seeking for one’s own personal gains on the convenient closed-minded judgmental surface level..,

And of course people will excuse what they do,
Like saying they just can’t control it,
And will go on and on about it..
So I must protect myself from all forms of it that I notice..,

I sometimes,
if not often,
feel that people’s bad side(s) are too much for me to handle,

Regardless of how many “heart to hearts” we have,
No matter how many experiences we have that are profoundly meaningful..
Sometimes.. if not often..,
Their bad sides they have,
Jeopardize my sanity..
And make me fear I’ll emotionally break eventually,
..
And to be honest,
I feel this has occurred more than once already,

I wish I felt on the same page as others,
In addition,
To sharing the same inner development,
Personal and spiritual continual betterment vision,

I’ve been in support groups and/or around supportive people,
Yet..
With all that is harmful that surrounds me,
It just does not feel frequent enough,
Constantly..

And I don’t trust remote communities,
Largely due to a great fear of horror stories..

I fear manipulation,
Which..
Of course could be in infinite forms of infinite depths,
..
And the manipulation could be unconscious,
Since the manipulator may not be aware of their narcissistic impulses..

Or if they’re aware,
They may feel their unconscious built up insecurity feels too strong,
And they may feel that even if they can’t align with what they say..,
Well,
They may still believe they’re teaching a “truthful way”..,

So..

Point is,
I don’t trust so.. so many..

I’m on medical leave from work at the moment,
Since my insecurity,
OCD,
and all my built up pain,
In addition to the other customer and/or work-related bullshit,
Even though practically it has good benefits..
Still..
Felt just too much to emotionally sustain, Like I said.. due to all my inner weight and hypersensitivity which can make what it supposed to be easy too much for me..

Yes,
Yes I’m accountable to contribute to society even though I have a confidence inhibiting label (autism),
in addition to all the unhealed inner bullshit resulting from bad experiences..,
Yet..
I hope to make it work in a way that’s more suitable for me,

I wish to find a way that’s more suitable,
And quitting is a risk I’m taking that I feel is just and reasonable,
Because.. yes.. I do struggle in a way that’s atypical,

It’s damn hard for me to find an environment that I feel to be sufficiently suitable,

In most environments,
I don’t share,
Nor am I on the same page with,
Those that are not autistic,
Yet,
Typical,

To whatever extent they do or don’t see each other outside of work,
Their non-learning challenged,
Non-emotional hypersensitivity,
Non-obsessive compulsiveness,
Yet,
Their typical functioning,
(Regardless of however they may be struggling),
Makes it work easier for them,
It makes it easier to connect with whatever they struggle with at work,
Easier for them,

I wish I was one of them..

Still..
I feel I have a right,
To make what I feel will work for me,
Work for me,
Instead of conforming and shutting myself down,
To what does NOT feel truthful to me,

That’s part of how I can describe how I’m feeling..

To the best of my awareness,

Presently

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