Reasonably Less Painful

I appreciate it,
When people compliment me,
By telling me that they,
Sincerely,
Think I’m,
“Smart”,

Sometimes,
as a result,
I may put pressure on myself,
Worry and become insecure,
Which just makes me,
Less clear,

And in addition,
To all my atypical learning adversity,
My higher than usual,
Emotional hypersensitivity,
Which got exacerbated by others being mean to me,
As a failed attempt to feel more secure about themselves by having “power” over me evidently..

So with my,
“unusually gifted memory”,
Is a lot of painful memories,
And resulting,
inner,
Among whatever form(s) of suffering,
Which I’m tempted to block out,
Instead of making the most out of,
As blessings..

Yes..
Although I don’t agree that I could ever be defined by a “test”,
The tests did say essentially,
As I agree,
That I have a “very good”,
Memory,

But there’s so,
So much pain in me,
That I’m tempted to quickly block out,
Even if the easy way to do it,
Entails,
Also blocking out the “gifts given to me”,
Such as my “gifted”,
Memory,

It is a tragedy, (to me),
Feeling that I have to,
Give up,
What I could have experienced,
What I could have done,
For myself,
And others..

But I still,
Want to be happy,
Want to have a good time,
And I often have a hard time,
Doing that,
In a way that’s,
(For however long of a future term),
NOT harmful,
But,
Most beneficial,

Of course,
I want to experience more and discover more of,
How I am capable,

Regardless of how truly “successful”,
I am or become,

It’s just a struggle,

So..

Sometimes (if not often),
I’d want to have more than I “should” drink,
But,
I often have so much pain,
Due to the way I think..

So,
I want to think when it’s most needed,
Yet,
I don’t want to think too little,
Since,
I want to utilize at least some ways in which I am capable,

Yes..

It’s a struggle,
And.. hopefully,
Becomes reasonably,
Less,
Painful