Am I working?
Where am I inwardly, externally.. Stationed.. ?
Closer to the top?
Down below the surface?
In the dark trenches?
Both literally and figuratively at once..
I do believe,
Since I’m practicing paying attention,
Noticing and making connections,
Such as untangling inner inhibitions such as insecure tension,
Wherever I physically feel the emotion,
I HOPE to sufficiently clear,
To elaborately connect in more and more detailed ways,
To put into words,
From on the surface of how I perceive,
Or (put into words the best I can) what I realize I have been perceiving,
(initially without noticing..),
Below the surface..
I can ask,
How am I developing myself?
Being in the..
“Here” and “Now”?
Where am I here?
What is happening,
Any path I am following..?
Even though I’m “here”,
And working towards arriving wherever,
Where am I here??
As for what I’m working on,
What could I ALSO work on..?
To help me MORE truthfully,
Where do my decisions come from..?
Like I said in my post “not controlling control”,
I can’t control,
Underneath the deepest levels of controlling control,
Seems to be some point of control (choices and decisions),
That is just happening as whatever else is that is,
What we cannot totally control..?
What are the present states of my inner behavior navigating roots?
That I guess..
May have been differently grown..?
And/or are now..
How am I really..
I believe I can always obtain clearer and clearer words for describing..
There’s always processing,
Such as the continual cleansing of the process,
Of clearer and clearer conscious experiencing,
Recently I been locked in severe OCD,
resulting from insecurity,
resulting from bullying,
resulting from autism,
resulting from the medication the insurance companies gave my mom instead of an IV..
because their insatiable egos wanted to save money..,
And yes I know what I write and process so often leads back to that same story,
Because it largely sums up causes of my atypical adversity..,
And as I believe and what can be researched on Google/safari if real journalism still sufficiently exists (if it EVER SUFFICIENTLY existed)..
medication doesn’t get to the source of it,
It may TEMPORARILY give me a HIGH and/or cloud it BUT THEN give me side-effects,
However SHORT or LONG term..,
And I haven’t had the confidence,
Nor ADEQUATE support for consistent proper meditation practice..
And if I did,
If something worked,
I wouldn’t be dominated by these obsessive compulsive irrational dark forces..,
I feel a NEED to FURTHER clear the energy,
So it doesn’t destroy,
Or overly cloud my awareness,
That is crucially needed for decisions that are most beneficial,
On whatever internal,
physical and/or emotional level..
Or whichever way I may describe this clearer and clearer..
I’m always processing,
With awareness or non awareness,
And if I forget what I processed,
(Assuming I don’t develop a terminal neurological or terminal/inevitable degenerative awareness condition),
I’ll more likely regress,
Into those previous states of unprocessed unconsciousness,
So I must,
To remind myself of what I learned from processing that I need to remember,
To keep learning and discovering more advanced and fulfilling ways of doing whatever I’m doing..,
And obviously I must sufficiently consistently remember,
For understanding and continual practicing of..
toxic energy cleansing,
For more clearness and less distractions,
For processing anything,
Such as work-related procedures,
To do my part,
The best I can for myself and whoever..,
And SOMETIMES IF NOT OFTEN..,
the POINTLESS BULLSHIT,
just goes on and on,
As long as our consciousness,
in whatever changing forms,