Still Wishing

If anything I’m not looking to be the next world renowned,
Or famous,
“Most Important Intellectual”,
Spiritual teacher,
Or whatever amazing inspiration………..

So I ask for others to go easy,
and have empathy,
as well as thoughts on HOW I can do better,
In addition to CRITICIZING me..,
Even though MOST probably won’t do this..,
I’m faced with the challenge,
Of how to NOT get catastrophically emotionally DERAILED by this..,
For reasons such as that I’m hypersensitive,
And carry a lot internally that may illuminate many imperfections,
therefore providing many the opportunity to try to feel better about themselves by making me feel like shit..,

As for all our unconsciously unintentionally developed pain and insecurity..,
I find it sad that more are NOT doing more to address,
and learn from it..,

People’s states of unconsciousness would rather escalate,
Destruction such as violence and hate,
People would rather meaninglessly talk shit,
Instead of addressing and healing the pain,
Underneath it,
Instead of healing the inner pain that perpetuates all of it,
All the pain that emanates out of the sources of the deeper unhealed causes of pain..,

I am,
As we all are no matter how famous,
Just another person,
Looking for others to understand,
To listen,
To open,
To be there for me,
(And I’ll try to reciprocate obviously..),
Even if I’m derailed,
Sliding down a DESTRUCTIVE path into being painfully shut down on excessive medication,
A tragic unconscious sadistic prison,
or as a result of however any excessively unconsciously fearful institution or group,
Tries to address my desperate behavior and/or situation,
Aside from all I’m looking for,
Aside from all the thoughts on internal healing or consciousness expansion I may ever discuss,
Which I continually fail to sufficiently develop by putting into practice myself as I try to considerately acknowledge,
Aside from whatever I try to continue practicing to help myself,
I’m just looking for..,
Others to be there the way I need them to,
And of course help them alleviate their pain too..,

I think I understand enough of what I must do,
So it’s NOT advice,
Primarily good company and helpful energy,
To help assist me,
Which would also be terrific if I return to a TRULY HELPFUL inner journey,
Of internally cleansing most of my unconsciously cultivated obsessive insecurity,
Largely resulting from emotional hypersensitivity and learning disabilities,
which made me an easy target for others to dump their insecurity on,
Initially resulting from insurance companies or whoever NOT doing research on what the effects of the cheaply purchased morning sickness drug “Phenergan” would have on me,
Instead of just spending extra money on an IV to alleviate my mom’s morning sickness..
And increase the likelihood of me not having the condition I NOW grapple with (regardless of other’s experiences with the condition) didn’t happen to help me yet made experience(s) tremendously UNNECESSARILY challenging for me..,
Yet (as I would guess) the insurance companies didn’t regard,
For whatever personal reasons..,
looking into or considering possible effects of their cheaply purchased drug might PROBABLY have on me,
largely due to the unconsciously perpetuated cultural materialistic sickness,
of insatiable external material gratification instead of healing internal insecure pain and desperation (for example),
Therefore I became as I said,
An EASY target,
And therefore got bullied a lot,
As I’ve repeated A LOT,

I feel to be becoming more and more aware,
Yet the insecure pain,
That distracts me from all I could increasingly deeply appreciate,
Is still there,

And I must just keep doing my best with whatever present state of awareness,
And I ongoingly wish for,
A happier,
More peaceful,
Gratifying experience..


I must not harmfully dismiss the present root causes of my issues,
Or else they’ll MORE LIKELY continue or worsen as more and more painful issues,
So as I often discuss,
As for my lack of self-control..
What is causing my lack of self-control?
What are the internal sources that need to be healed and addressed?
Where can I find ENOUGH people who want and feel a NEED to sincerely join me in this effort?
To prepare ourselves for whatever bullshit that comes our way,
Even if that entails human extinction,

How can we prepare ourselves to the best of our abilities,
As we open new doors down new paths on this infinite varying life energy manifestation journey?

As for me,

I think there may always be a new discovery

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