I believe that,
If I’m NOT or insufficiently emotionally aware,
And if I’m emotionally hypersensitive/hyper-reactive and vulnerable,
My emotions are much more likely,
To contaminate my clear inner rationality,
To cause me to make decisions that destroy me..
Such as desperate unconscious impulsive blocking out any forms of pain,
endangering me of more of it in the future without confidence to address and heal the inner root sources of it..,
..
And it’s the unchecked internally exacerbated present painful resistance that creates the desperation to block out the pain that my unregulated emotions cause me..,
(Without foresight obviously..),
UNLESS..,
I find the root sources,
And..,
Cleanse them and clear myself to prepare myself for whatever else life throws at me,
And I haven’t been sufficiently succeeding at this sadly..,
..
It’s too bad most other’s presence doesn’t encourage me to do what’s better for me,
And what would be better for themselves evidently..,
Because in my belief,
If we don’t put in the WORK needed to feel and function better,
We’ll feel WORSE because that inner pain we’ve unconsciously built up over the years,
Such as that excessive painful inner stress,
anger,
sadness,
Will remain in us,
And may get worse and worse,
Partly due to the toxic energy that surrounds us,
Partly due to the ego emphasized culture that judges people as “winners, losers, snowflakes, bitches, dumbfucks,”
whatever unhelpful painful critical judgments..,
INSTEAD of emphasizing working together,
Consciously offering new ways,
techniques,
and paths,
such as viable ways of inwardly clearing and strengthening ourselves to function even better..
..
INSTEAD of emphasizing appreciating all there is to appreciate that makes us feel better since we’ll be focusing our attention on something that’s REAL yet NOT negative,
Something that’s REAL yet HELPFUL for feeling and therefore functioning better,
And therefore,
More practical,
Well.. why is it that we don’t do what’ll make us feel better?
(Assuming we know how to properly do that..?)
Or to just speak for myself..
Why is it that I’m NOT doing enough of what I know will make me feel and function better?
Based on my belief I’d say it’s partly if not largely,
Because like I said in the first stanza,
That we’re not encouraged to,
Because it’s not the dominant culture that developed over time,
Instead of cleansing what makes me painfully insecure internally,
My ego tells me,
“I must fix it externally”,
And it’s been doing this painfully obsessively..,
Such as pointless goals that don’t properly inwardly address how I suffer,
So I’ll obsessively achieve goal after goal,
While my internal pain gets worse or remains the same,
I guess,
Viewing doing the work I need to do to feel better,
To feel clearer,
To appreciate experiencing each moment deeper,
To feel more aware,
To feel emotionally,
cognitively,
or however,
Smarter,
Appears too often,
Too hard,
..
Too hard to attain,
(Or obtain..),
Not attained frequent enough,
Yet if I do NOT work in ways I know I must to feel better,
NOT working will therefore feel MORE painful,
NOT working to inwardly cleanse and consciously respond to what is causing me suffering will remain painful in me,
Will grow if I continue with the unconscious unchecked pain feeding mentality,
And even though I know this,
My unconscious cultivated hypersensitivity,
Has me locked in painfully impulsively,
Through various forms of obsessive compulsive painful behavior that you won’t feel unless you experienced/experience it like me,
Just as I won’t sufficiently emphasize with you if I haven’t been through or if I’m not suffering the way you are,
At least speaking for where my awareness is at presently,
So no..
I do NOT believe that NOT working the way most helpful to us is equally or more likely to be “heaven”,
No..
If I’m not working,
If I’m being “lazy”,
Inside,
I very likely might be suffering,
I very likely might be in excessive pain more often than not,
Such as feeling trapped in hopeless obsessive insecurity,
And painfully watching the privileged/blessed life I COULD be experiencing,
Continually passing,
So if I want to experience more states of awareness that feel like “heaven”,
Or that at least feel more calm,
peacefully clear and stable,
(For example..),
I must do the proper inner development WORK on myself,
So I MORE LIKELY succeed at cleansing the pain in me,
So I MORE LIKELY consciously respond in ways that don’t let others’ bullshit,
toxic energy,
or whatever type of painful cruelness they carry in themselves and blast at me,
Create even more insecure,
anxious,
fearful,
sad,
obsessive..
PAIN than what I’m experiencing already,
So evidently,
I really,
Really must remind myself,
That if I do the work I need to,
To improve my present experience,
I’ll experience LESS pain,
Than I would if I do NOT put in the work,
Yet since aside from those I’m sometimes around who share a similar vision,
Still..
I still feel too ALONE in my vision,
Such as continuing on a helpful path to make beneficial consciously aware decision after decision,
…
IN MY BELIEF..,
Although not overthinking,
But critical thinking when needed,
..
Although clear awareness,
May take work,
It’ll be even more painful work if we don’t put in the work and then are forced to respond to inevitable painful experiences,
Whether internally,
Such as emotional derailing insecurity,
Or externally,
Whether it’s staying safe from any sentient others, weather..,
geography..,
Or whatever it may be..,
..
To emphasize what doesn’t seem to be sufficiently emphasized..,
If we work to feel and respond to whatever we’re faced with,
We’ll have an easier time dealing with whatever life throws at us,
And additionally,
As some say,
I feel it’s VERY important to remember that,
“Time catches up”,
Eventually,
In a nutshell,
Although nothing is guaranteed,
Not working on our individual functioning for ourselves and whatever we’re a part of is MORE LIKELY to lead us to hell,
While working to help us the most is therefore MORE LIKELY to increase heavenly experiences,
Or whatever feels increasingly more worth experiencing,
And once again,
And although to many this might feel very obvious..,
I felt a need to repeat and emphasize this,
Because I feel it’s something NOT repeated and emphasized nearly enough,
And of course I therefore feel it’s CRUCIAL to remember,
To make our existence LESS unnecessarily painful,
I hope what I had to say and repeat here feels somewhat helpful,
Instead of conveniently viewing the moment and acting without foresight,
In a way that’s destructively dismissive,
..
Endangering us of “this, that and the other” thing(s)..,
Well,
I feel a need to remind myself,
What is most practical,
What is most helpful?
So as for that,
I can now check in,
With the natural inhale,
exhale,
And present inner body sensations,
As continuing as part of,
All forms of solid and space
Zach Dana Writing 