Struggling to Communicate

For a long time I was even less able to communicate how I was in pain,
I knew the feelings,
And didn’t have the words,

Yet even with the words,
I still often feel to be insufficient at it,
And that many,
No matter how clear I am,
Will dismissively,
Judgmentally,
Not understand it,

Evidently,
My vocabulary is limited,
And so are the letters and words that were passed down to me,
Yet..
Still,
I feel there’s so,
So much more I feel,
That could be put into words,
Clearer and clearer..,

And of course,
Even though words always exist on the surface,
As I know I pretty much said I believe before,
I still feel a need,
For others to understand what I have to express,
Clearer and deeper,

Largely so I can have support in getting through the ongoing bullshit,
Largely so this present moment can feel,
Just..
More worth it,

..

Something I feel a need to say,
Is that I feel,
To many,
I’m very polite,
And most are UNNECESSARILY mean,
And don’t reciprocate,
So it’s very hard for me to be helpfully compassionate,
While inflicted by all this destructive hate,

Although I’m accountable,
Being compassionate and non-judgmental,
To those who aren’t compassionate,
Yet instead severely judgmental towards me,
Has often been a painful struggle for me,

Yet I’ll keep going,
Largely due to the hope,
Of the pain,
Eventually,
More continually,
Alleviating,

And if whatever I talk about “doesn’t sound that bad”,
Well..,
Whatever makes me feel bad due to any reasons,
To me..,
Must obviously be consciously addressed..,

What may seem hilarious to others,
Might be very painful to me,
I wish I didn’t develop severe OCD,
In reaction to all my painful adversity,
I wish less were mean to me,
And instead,
Knew more,
(Regardless of how well they could put it into words),
On how to help themselves and me,
Suffer less and move more and more centered and peacefully,
Through any of life’s immensely painful adversity

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