Part in It

Since letting go is very challenging for me and my hypersensitivity.. I just thought I’d write this evidently..,

Okay so after about a month and a half without revising this..
I’ll leave this next section in here..,
even though I already talked about it in “Status of What??” or some shit..,

My mom told me that,
The reason her and my dad,
Did not file a lawsuit against the insurance companies, and/or the drug company “Phenergan”,
(As a result of the insurance companies saving money,
instead of paying for an IV when my mom had morning sickness..
Instead of RESEARCHING the potential side effects the drug PHENERGAN could have had on me for my whole fucking life..),
At my expense..
Was because my mom and dad only had 2.5 years,
To sue the companies and that was BEFORE my level of AUTISM resulting from the drug PHENERGAN was spotted..

In a nutshell,
The time they had to sue,
Ended before what they could have sued for was spotted,
..
And my label has been giving me shit,
And I think it won’t be much cost for those who gave it to me,
If they could just help me out..,
Because I can fucking use it..,
And well that won’t heal the hypersensitivity and insecurity which they HELPED give me..,
Because they didn’t do the research of the possible effects the drug could’ve had on me..,
And sadly,
Even though like anyone else they’re just trying to get through the day..,
Well..,
I still believe they EASILY could have done the research of the effects of them wanting to save money would have on my whole fucking life,
Even to this day..,
Because the obsessive compulsiveness I painfully struggle with just still keeps getting more and more in the way..,
As I painfully watch the life I could be living continually pass my by..,
Their negligence and embracing of this NON-inward-developing,
Yet insatiable money/material gaining culture..,
worsened my experience..,
Which they MOST PROBABLY will never wake up to,
Which they will MOST PROBABLY never acknowledge,
including what they did to me..
All because they wanted to save money..,
And it’s not like they’re or others like them will care..,
When their out getting drunk in Miami..,
Or wherever they might be continually indulging materialistically..,
Instead of helping themselves and the world by consistently developing inner clarity..,
So fuck it..,
I just have to let go..,
That they may never know or acknowledge their part in it,
Their cause of all my UNNECESSARY (autistic) life bullshit,

So to further repeat what I said for further emphasis..,
In addition to realizing I also had this stanza here as I’m presently revising this..,
They..,
Never helpfully acknowledged THEIR PART IN what they did to me..
Due to them seeking (as I said) materialistic gain,
instead of seeking inner cleansing fulfillment within..
And of course..
They wouldn’t admit that inner cause(s) of behavior..
That being their desire to make and save money by not giving my mom an IV without any regard to my painful autistic future that awaited me..

And so essentially,
(Once again..),
My parents did NOT sue in the time the could,
Since the DAMAGE that was done TO ME was NOT YET KNOWN,
..
That being the damage that the drug (Phenergan) would have on me,
Such as how it gave me learning disabilities,
Hypersensitivity,
Making me so vulnerable,
In a world of pain and insecurity,
Which others would dump onto me,
Through bullying or whatever forms of abuse,
Instead of healing themselves within,
And sharing their internal realizations to help someone atypically challenged like me..,
And of course,
Sadly,
This was not the reality..,
So their unhealed unconscious cruelty that they inflicted onto me,
Gave me severe insecurity,
Which remains with me to this day,
Such as moments when I become sucked into obsessive compulsive behavior to try to “compensate” for how they made me feel so damn insecure..,
..
And even though I’m aware of my unhelpful irrational obsessive behavior,
Still..,
Sometimes the forces are too strong..,
So now I struggle to not get sucked into the surrounding unconscious forces that surround me..,
The forces are just so damn BACKWARDS..
The forces that are just so WRONG..,

..
Sometimes..,
With all that I have been challenged with..,
In moments..,
It just sometimes feels too hard..,
To remain,
consciously considerately sane..,
For others,
But especially for myself,
And my well-being..,
To make my present moment MORE LIKELY feel as worthwhile as it could be feeling,

…

When I keep it real by,
Even microly asserting myself,
in response to others disrespecting me..
Many still do NOT take it lightly..
Or show empathy,
Especially regarding how they were initially talking or coming across to me,

They feed me more damaging energy,
Putting my life in greater and greater jeopardy,
..
And to me..
As for all our unaccessed and unrealized capability,
This sometimes.. if not often,
Feels to be,
a tragedy,

Realizing and accepting the reality,
Sometimes if not often..,
Is just painfully hard for me,

..

When on the retail floor,
At the job I quit,
Due to people and their bullshit,
worsening my inner bullshit,
(in frequent recurring moments where I was NOT consciously aware of how to helpfully respond to it..),
A woman asked me,
“Excuse me sir, where are the napkins?”
And then before I answered she said,
“They’re not where they normally are!!”
And she said something like..
“Everything’s all messed up here!!”

Then I made a suggestion by asking,
“Did you check the website?”
Then instead of responding in a way that was polite,
She asked.. or mostly exclaimed by yelling,
“I’m supposed to check the website!!?”
As if she was frustrated that I couldn’t answer her entitled questions just right..

So due to my autistic and hypersensitive victim mentality,
She made me feel even worse than I already was,
So I gently asserted myself by saying,
“Well.. I guess it’s common sense”,
And as you may have guessed..
She responded by saying..
“Well.. just say ‘I don’t know!!?’, not.. “It’s common sense!!”,
Even though if I said “I don’t know”,
She and her unconscious angry overly-entitled energy may have gave be a bigger emotional blow,
And how I would’ve responded to that..
Well..
I just don’t exactly know..?

Then I said to her,
“When I tell them I don’t know they don’t like that”,
And she kinda understood and said “okay”,
And I said “good luck”,
Then she didn’t say “thank you”,
Nor did apologize or emphasize with me..
by bringing up her PART in the excessively difficult interaction adversity..
Instead,
she ignored me as she walked away,
Which to me evidently was just not okay..

Yet even though many of us “know”,
Or can learn and understand “our part in the situation”,
She (like so many others),
did NOT acknowledge her initial aggression,
Which made it even harder for me to diffuse my reaction..
and her frustration,

And even though I clearly know the customers in retail environments may “do this to everybody”,
And even though I have to try to “let go of my unhelpful victim mentality”,
Especially because that kind of bad energy will inwardly/consciously limit my capability..,
Like a coworker emphasized with me subsequently,
As I also said..
Well..
“It’s just hard”..
And it takes practice..
Evidently..

Such as two nights prior to this,
not reacting at the bar to seeing a guy again who used to bully me severely..
..
And..,
Back in summer 2017,
Although once he didn’t accept my newly created friend request after newly creating a Facebook..
(The guy who created my Facebook was another dickhead.. and of course.. there were numerous other unconscious inconsiderate fuckers..)

Yet as for this guy who I again happened to see..
After all the harm he did to me,
While having virtually 800 others friends,
I just emotionally broke and sent him a message on messenger regarding..
our type of “history”..

Of course he didn’t respond to me..
And if the guy just accepted the request..
I would have avoided the guy as I always tried to..
But since he couldn’t just accept that freakin friend request..
After not apologizing for the shit..
I just had to form the message and send it..

So due to that awkwardness at the bar..
Even though I was drunk to block out the pain and obsessive insecurity his bullying (aside from others) built in me..
Well..
Even if he does see,
HIS PART IN IT,
He did not apologize..
Did nothing to heal it..

The guy just ignored me as expected..
I actually saw the guy again..,
And the ignoring happened again..,
So I can’t change others and their opinions..,
Yet..,
I must accept that he didn’t awaken or apologize for all he did that was completely unnecessary..,
Such as on the basketball team,
When he’d constantly remind my of how bad I was,
When he made fun of me when the ball bounced off my head instead of asking if I was alright,
When he called my head “big”,
When he made fun of me for having a behaviorist that my parents fought for me to have instead of the school district trying to put me on medication to block out all the pain I felt from people bullying me like him..,
So when he saw I was in that separate room in the library..
He was like..,
“Why are you in there with that teacher..? Are you stupid or something?”
And I politely responded that I get extra help with school work..
Because it was implied that I learn differently..,
And in response to my sincere reply to his question his friend was then like..,
“You’re stupid”..,

And of course plenty others called me stupid,
and would mention how random the stuff I said was..,
And of course teachers and coaches got pissed with me as well..,
Such as reminding me the importance of paying attention like my fucking gym coach which was the other instructor in the same class as that guy I just talked about was in..,
And lucky for them they didn’t get affected by the drug PHENERGAN..,
No..,
Them fucks had an easy time paying attention..,
Same with another unconscious asshole from fifth grade who works on wall street,
Who told me when playing baseball,
“Don’t play for shit if you can’t pay attention”,
And then the time where my anxiety distracted me so I didn’t tag up and score on a fly out in left field..,
And a team player yelled at me in front of everybody..,
“Get your fucking head in the game!!”
..
And since I’d have to include more of the context in my book I’ll just throw out a few more examples of shit others have said to me for no reason..
With zero regard of the effects it would have on me..,
“Are you trying to kill me!?”,
..
“Mental stupidity I don’t tolerate”,
..
“Just give her the damn envelope!!” (from a teacher everyone admired..),
..
“You’re quieter than a mouse”,
..
“NOW PAY ATTENTION!!”,
..
“Did you not hear what my coach just said!!” (at a track meet),
..
“Fucking dunce!”
..
“Why would you send that to your parents!?” (because my parents at the time were my closest friends because I couldn’t rely the same on others..)
..
“I don’t understand a word you just said” (instead of politely asking me to repeat myself..)
..
“That’s not how you fucking walk”, (when I hurt my leg.. Instead of showing me the proper way to do it so it heals properly..),
..
“Shut up Zach” (heard this twice from this guy),
..
“He’s so creepy” (as I’ve heard from another regarding what one girl allegedly said about me more than once.. And what most probably others have said for no damn reason whatsoever..),
..
“Good luck finding someone who will care about you”,
..
“Zach what the fuck do you want!!?” (from the same prick who told me to shut up twice and got pissed at me for not walking correctly..),
Oh yeah.. And here’s more from that one asshole:

“I’ve been in more fights than people you talked to boy” (guy is three years younger than me as well..),
..
“If any of you snitch on us I will beat you up so bad that you’ll be drinking through a straw for the rest of your life” (said this out of fear that the school/fraternity administration would take out of context his “well intentioned” pledging process.. (yes I wrote a story about this) and they could’ve done some inner-developing character building challenges (like group projects/meditation) but that’s too “gay” and “untraditional” when it comes to greek life.. so instead of they did “the beer mile”,
“Edward Forty Hands” or whatever the fuck it’s called..,
The “case race” was fun but drinking worsens inner self-development..,
And of course being put in a fucking ice-bath and being verbally abused..,
Like how they referred to our pledge class as the “beta bitches”..,
And that one asshole..,
Who knew martial arts,
Who seemingly abused what he knew to go on power tricks instead of healing his personal trauma and insecurity..,
And when I got upset resulting from them doing what they did,
And refusing to acknowledge what could have went differently,
I was viewed as crazy from people like him,
Because people in their insecure ego irrational states of unconsciousness like him,
Did not want to admit,
Their PART,
In the bullshit..,

Here’s some more out of context examples of pointless harmful mean statements I’ve received from others.. Others who would not acknowledge their part in my mental health struggles to this day,
Others who may just conveniently dismissively say,
That my mental health problems result from a “Chemical Imbalance”,
..
“Just because you’re the new kid doesn’t mean we like you” (fourth grade),
..
“Uhhhhhhh!!” (This occurred multiple times in response to me saying stuff regarded as dumb..)
..
“We got geniuses working here” (a former work supervisor sarcastically calling me a “geniuses” and implying me being a dumbass)..,
..
“Oh man I don’t want to work with Zach” (sixth grade math class group projects.. One in which I struggled more than the rest in..),
..
There was that time playing basketball when my “friend” made fun of me for crying because I was upset with my performance and wasn’t getting passed the ball..,
Okay I’ll add a few more that are coming to mind..,
“You did NOT forget to do the homework, you CHOSE NOT to do it” (no.. I actually forgot to do it.. Yet my militaristic (and definitely non-autistic) sixth grade social studies teacher wasn’t compassionately regarding any of it..),
..
“Where the hell are ya!!?” (economics teacher when struggling to follow along with the assignment unlike the rest of the class)..,
..
“Are you kidding me!!? This is weak!” (social studies teacher regarding how I did on an in class assignment),
..
“I asked you to speak up and you didn’t!!” (same social studies teacher..),
..
“You’re not doing any of the work!!” (because due to my learning struggles I was struggling to figure out what we were supposed to be doing and my group partner who knew what to do wasn’t explaining it either.. And instead of being supportive he just got pissed at me as well, same as my biology teacher..)..,
..
“Did you get yelled at?”
I reply “no”,
My track coach replied to me “You’re lucky,”
(because I left a track meet without notifying a coach.. And the track team was flipping out at the moment as they should.. Yet even though I was at fault for that.. Well, at the end of the day, or during the next day at practice.. I was most probably feeling the worst about it)..
..
Maybe I’ll add more examples later as I revise this further..
Yet,
many points I feel to be clear enough..,

Such as..,
Aside from all the painful bullshit,
I have always received,
Others just add to it,
Often without regarding their part in it..
Making it much harder for me to handle..
Adding to what I already immensely struggle with..
Which is..
My part of it,
Or my part “in it”,
In all the bullshit,
That life throws at us,

It’s hard for me,
Handling..
And not exacerbating it,
Since I feel I must be very aware..
Of how to stay safe from it..

I know I have a lot of luck..
Yet still..
I feel a lot of it continues to fucking suck bigger balls than could be put into words..

I’m still waiting ..
For better luck ..
Especially .. with just how I’m feeling ,

Regardless of whatever it is I’m experiencing..

Knowing how bad it overall is for me..
At the job I now quit..,
People wonder why I’ve been drinking energy drinks everyday..
And they don’t see,
That they give off harmful energy such as all their judgmental negativity that does nothing beneficial to help us navigate through our negative reality,
And they (or whoever others) never invite me to join them on healing and bettering themselves internally..
Naturally,
For better and healthier energy..

Referring to any who severely “did me dirty”,
They don’t see,
their part,
In damaging energy,
And when they don’t help themselves and invite me,
To heal,
When I succumb to blocking out inner pain in a destructive.. “quick fix” way (or ways),
Instead of offering a practice..
Or when I have an emotional outburst..,
They just judge,
Give advice,
Nor act and do what they can to help cleanse the energy..,
Not only for myself,
But themselves among EVERYBODY,

As for the guy who created my Facebook and gave me shit because when creating my Tinder he said Tinder “required it”,
He didn’t understand..
After ordering me to give him my phone..
After looking at my personal messages to my parents,
about how he was mistreating me,
Such as constantly shaming me,
Instead of helping me with my level of anxiety..
Instead of acknowledging how he was mistreating me,
Or sincerely giving me an apology,
He got mad at me..
For “lying to him” about telling him I didn’t tell my parents about him..
Such as (regardless of what the messages said..),
All the times he LIED to me..
Like how he said,
a girl I liked,
“called the cops on me”,
Like how he would use what I said against me such as saying..
(as an example I already included) “you’re quieter than a mouse”,
..
“You’re too anxious”,
..
“You need to be more independent!” (which I’m well aware of but as for compassionate HELPFUL suggestions he didn’t care..)
..
“I think you handled the situation with ..” (name I will not include) “very poorly” (he was referring to the young woman I tried to go out with.., the same one, due to various misunderstandings I included in another story.. Falsely told everyone that I was “stalking her”.. Did not apologize after finding out I wasn’t, and yes.. As I said, that same asshole who I finally cut off from my life, did in fact make me believe for a moment that she “called the cops on me”..
..
And as for him criticizing me to my only close friends (my parents) regarding telling them how he was MEAN TO ME..
He said “ya know I don’t want to feel like you’re some kind of FBI agent”,
..
And when I snapped at him on messenger,
He said..
“I was just going to ask how your doing, but I see that you gone crazy”,
Yes..
People and their blind cruelty does sometimes makes me,
UNDERSTANDABLY,
go a little crazy..,

To add some more examples from this guy..,
I’ll include that he said how he felt that,
It was “my fault” for being too “sensitive” for asking him to stop bringing up that young woman I was trying to get over..
Yes.. there’s way,
way more..
But he just couldn’t acknowledge his PART in what he did to me..
And after he said “I’d gone crazy”,
Well..
I never replied to him ever again to this day..,
Even after he subscribed and unsubscribed to my YouTube channel twice,
Tried to contact me through my brother by saying..,
“Hey I had a falling out with Zach three years ago and since I see that you’re his brother I was just wondering if you’d ask him if he wants to come to my wedding?”
And with all the lying he’d do,
I just didn’t know what to believe,
Which of course is largely why as for him being in my presence
I needed him to leave,
..
Which is why I needed to take care of myself by cutting him off,
So the days of me being a pushover,
The days of being someone for him to step on,
Are hopefully more over,
Are hopefully,
At least as for being around people like him,
Are long gone,
And although the struggle of having autism due to Phenergan continues..
From that friendship,
I needed to move on,

As for my baseball coach constantly getting pissed at me for bad form instead of focusing on my root cause of anxiety to learn more clearly..
As for the bosses,
supervisors,
teachers,
who would just get pissed at me,
instead of helping develop confidence in me..
And not blindly reprimanding me,
..
Like my baseball coach for criticizing me for not remembering a drill we did in camp regarding holding the baseball bat behind our back to emphasize swinging the hips for power,
When I looked at him in confusion after he said WITHOUT demonstrating..
To..,
“Put your bat behind your back”,
He then said as I didn’t remember what he meant..,
“Are you freaking kidding me!!? What could I possibly mean when I say ‘put the bat behind your back!!?’”

Yep.. there’s so many more examples.. And although these are what I’m presently remembering at the moment,
Well..,
There’s just so,
So many more examples..,
Many of which I may have forgotten..,
Because well..,
Even though I remember what has produced in me “a lot of emotion”,
Well..,
There were just too many..,
Too damn many..,

..

As for those who just criticize and give advice without offering support as for how to actually embody what they preach..,
As for all the times people immensely,
disproportionately laughed at me profusely as compared to others,
As for those who felt I needed to be punished instead of clearly instructed and supported,
As for those who judge and exclude me since they believe in stereotypes,
Especially negative ones regarding those atypically faced with learning and social difficulty,
As for those who take what I say out of context.. make assumptions.. then want to go on a power trip to prove to their egos that they’re “more secure since they’re better than me” (as I’ve mentioned constantly..),
As for those who don’t understand why I struggle with what most can do..
without knowing how and why I carry so much,
distracting inhibitions in me..
As for those who don’t understand why I struggle to understand what they can quickly understand since they have NOT been emotionally and/or cognitively challenged like me..
who didn’t have atypical weakness used against them..
worsening instead of healing their atypicalness..
constantly..
causing them to be more and more vulnerable of bad,
impatient,
power hungry energy..
As for those who gave me death threats..
They still don’t understand,
or acknowledge,
The reasons why I struggle or get upset..

I’ll just include that..,
Yes online a guy who I confronted for making a joke about autism said constantly how I have a “deformed head”,
Then said in response to me standing up for myself,
“If I get locked in a room for 5 minutes with you just watch what’ll happen to you kid”..
(I’d have to double check the wording but the point is additionally clear.. That so many are so tragically damaged and unclear..),

As for the guy from the third grade YMCA who excluded me from the “bubblegum” club..
and all that other shit he and so many others did to me..
And one time when seeing him again at Rockland lake,
To suck up to the asshole I said,
“I used to be a faggot”,
And he said,
“You still are”,
(not to be homophobic.. Yet clearly that guy was another fucking prick.. And one of the worse ones..),
..
As for my Rockland lake supervisor who said it’s “no surprise” I have “Asperger’s syndrome”,
And her constantly telling me and others that we “suck as a crew”,
And then when she yelled at me (among others) after I accidentally didn’t pick up the garbage where she was referring to precisely and said..
“This is so special Ed!!”
Got even more upset when I got upset and yelled..
Without admitting her part..
Instead just acting like it was me who had “no heart”..
(So to speak..)
And when she continued to talk shit to us..
especially me..
Like when I went on my break and when she was like..
“Did you even do what I just said!!?”
And I said..
“I was going to get it after break”,
Then.. when she was like to my coworkers when I walked in the bathroom to wash my hands..
“Is he fucking serious?”
After I was like..
“Forget it! I won’t go on my break! I’ll go pick it up now!”
And when I left to go get the garbage,
When one of my coworkers told me to come back..
Of course..
She just didn’t seem to get it,
Or apologize to me,
For her part in it..
She just criticized me for standing up for myself/expressing and/or asserting myself,

And oh yeah..
Many other patrons treated me like shit..
Many my other job (which I recently quit) including instances in the one before that..,
And still.. aside from those few moments with her and others in only that environment..
there was way.. way more to it..

As for that girl on the middle school bus who’d talk mad shit,
And made fun of me such as saying how I’m..
“So quiet”,
Well I didn’t talk..
since I didn’t want to be the next and WORSE victim (especially since I had autism),
So of course she had no clue of her part in it..
Nor did the others,
Including the school administration wanting to conveniently put me on medication..
Due to my depression largely resulting because of people like her many among others (as I’ve mentioned),
..
Instead of acknowledging the actual causes of my socially disadvantaged situation..
Instead of there being enough guidance from school teachers and officials regarding consistently cleansing energy for a clearer,
more learning environment,
The bullshit went largely unaccessed and unprocessed,
So plenty of students, teacher, and everyone in addition to myself,
Seemingly continued to EXCESSIVELY, UNNECESSARILY,
Suffer from it..,

Instead of healing the inner damaged causes of it..,

And of course due to all the elementary,
middle and high school dysfunction,
Bullying,
judgment and exclusion..
Even from baseball coaches,
teachers,
whoever..
I chose juggling,
An unusual activity I pursued in isolation..
Then as the years went by,
I got too afraid,
In my head,
Lost sleep..
Had a delusional crisis,
Which luckily due to my mom and a good psychiatrist,
Protected me from hospitalization,
Prevented me from winding up on heavy medication,
And instead..
since my psychiatrist was forced to give me a label,
to prescribe me,
a safe dosage of medication..
She was very considerate and careful,
So I got a label in addition to autism that was,
Less “stigmatized”,
Called “adjustment disorder”,

But as for why I had that crisis,
If my psychiatrist was mainstream..
Due to the lucrative drug companies,
There would’ve likely been a disregard of the effects that mainstream bullying culture on me,
Such as,
Exacerbating my learning disabilities,
anxiety..
leading to sleep deprivation and delusion eventually,
And of course that PART of it,
The mainstream would not acknowledge,
Especially since that would highlight dysfunction in society..
So it’s easy,
Less challenging to comforting closed-minded world views,
If most people did not acknowledge my crisis..
Or of course the world crisis,
Yet merely,
conveniently,
make themselves believe..
That I’m just..
“Crazy”..
..
Instead of..
Sadly..,
Trying to discover how we all could be experiencing life way more gratifyingly..,

I just want to say,
Such as a coworker acknowledged,
That even though I have many atypical forms of pain and struggle,
I’m still grateful,
Because if this was back in the day,
What they would have done to me,
Due to their fear,
judgment,
misunderstanding and treatment of those who offer “nothing of benefit to society”,
So they would just put me away..
Possibly give me a “lobotomy” against my freedom to choose..

Regardless of “benefit to society”,
I want to also include my belief that,
We’re all sentient beings..
With.. aside from accountability..
rights obviously,
So instead of punishment,
Or killing or physically and/or cognitively and/or emotionally maiming anyone..
We can further empathically acknowledge that an individual’s environmental experience(s),
whether natural and/or interpersonal,
In combination with innate emotional response tendencies, etc..,
Influenced their ability to make internal decisions on how to cultivate internal clearness for clearer,
and healthier decisions,
shaping them morally,
Such as their actions,
And energy, they offer to themselves and everybody..
Hence,
As for what people do,
What they can control or not,
There’s always at least a,
Part of it,
That explains more about them,
Why they do what they do,
Why they did what they did,
Why,
They come across the way they do..,
That we can understand,
If we need to prevent any harmful (or brutal, etc.) behavior (to themselves and/or others) from occurring,

So (based on my belief) we can realize that the geographical,
natural..,
and/or social environment we are born into,
has an effect,
And shapes us,
Starting from our innate reaction tendencies to experiences,
In combination from level of support (like teaching),
That shapes our development throughout living..

Hence,
To me..
There’s many parts,
Worth acknowledging,
To better understand how to heal dysfunction,
And therefore,
Increase our present capabilities,
And increase our ability to experience more of our capabilities,
For ourselves,
And all sentient others,
To more likely feel more peaceful,
Appreciative,
And for existence to be more adventurous,
profound,
full of the same and more experiences that are more,
Wonderful,

Aside from what I just wrote..
As for bullying,
As for people NOT acknowledging their part in their own and other’s suffering,
Regardless of why we do what we do,
And became who we become,
Many.. seemingly.. unfortunately,
Don’t admit their part in it,
And all they have to offer for others,
Is brutal criticism,
Or whatever form of pain,
That does not facilitate any meaningful,
Existential,
Present experience,
Gain,

As for all those who have wronged me,
And who deny their part in my messed up history,
That largely shaped me,
There’s tons of other examples (as I already repeated),
So I guess..,
I’m not ready to disclose and/or go into way further with more examples or more elaborate contexts/stories yet..
Yes I have..,
And I can’t promise anything but hopefully I or anyone else,
May someday share it,
With the obvious hope that they will be of some life benefit(s),

Although I believe various forms of life experience,
Uniquely influence our decisions,
and awareness,
To me..
We must recognize our part in it,
To heal ourselves,
For better spirit,
For more awareness for discovering further advancement..

Although I believe decisions we make on any level,
Just happen,
With infinitely new ways of understanding,
That could be understood,
infinitely clearer and/or deeper,
As for why the decisions we make,
That affect ourselves and others,
Occur..

And just..
As for existing,
With regard to whatever may be occurring,
In this present form we’re in..
Those are some brief parts of my experiences,
And ideas I wanted to share,
Regarding how I feel,
About,
Our part in it,

With what I know,
and my ability,
To clearly decide,
I do my best,
To respond to what happens to me,
My best..

I’ll say it again..
Regardless of the infinite new reasons and/or explanations,
that could be infinitely clearly and deeply understood,
as for why I make my decisions such as responding the way I do,
(including others..),
Regarding to how others treat me,
We all have,
Many parts,
Or..
At least some..
Or..
As the title says,
A part in it,

Based on the present way,
I understand,
Believe,
And/or,
Feel,

It

I got a second write up for being late..
(And yes now I quit the job on the best note I could at the time (almost a month ago)..),
Yet..
That work environment (co-worker, customers or not) had such bad spirit,
(Yes.. some were cool and everyone had different sides to them.. That fluctuated differently),
It makes it harder to find the inner strength to correct it..
So my environment..
Has a part in it,

And although this may be obvious,
I feel many of us,
Including myself,
NEED to do a better job,

At,

Remembering it