Continuing On

Although they say you “learn from pain”..
Especially since I have learning “disabilities”,
And emotional hypersensitivity,
That’s been exacerbated as I mentioned (or implied) in posts repeatedly..,
I must watch out for types of pain that makes my functioning worse,

Such as making sure I stay away from people who are toxic for me,
Such as avoiding those who criticize (without showing me ways of improving) constantly,
Therefore merely adding more UNHELPFUL yet HARMFUL pain in me,
Therefore further damaging me,
Making self-improvement less and less easy..,
Instead of helping me or joining me,
In my efforts to try to ongoingly attain inner awareness discovery,
For improvement at whatever I’m committed to improve to make the present moment in which my life happens more worthwhile and therefore as they say and as I repeated,
“Get more out of life”..,
Since life occurs in the present,
So the more I appreciate or “get” from the present,
The more I “get out of life”,

Even though I try to wish everyone well,
I still must distance myself from those who just cause excessive harmful pain in me,
And I guess this mostly occurs when I’m in states of unconsciousness in which I can NOT respond to the pain helpfully,
For my own safety,

Such as by NOT taking their unconsciousness personally (Source: Eckhart Tolle, “A New Earth” (2005) pages 62-76..),

Of course passing through some types of pain may further “awaken” me,
Yet if I do NOT CONSCIOUSLY respond correctly,
The pain may WORSEN me,
It may DAMAGE confidence and prevent inner strength from EVER being discovered in me..,


Some (if not many) may say the more pain I pass through,
The more “successful” and “stronger” I’ll become,
But thinking that’s ALWAYS the case,
Or thinking that’s the “guarantee”,
to me..,
Is judgmental and dumb..,
For reasons such as,
All the insecure bullshit I carry with me,
That painfully inhibits me,
that pain has given me..,

So if I struggle to do whatever more,
It does NOT mean I experienced less pain,
Yet the results of the pain,
For me,
Were unfortunately,
Just not the same,

It’s hard with all my hypersensitivity,
Learning disability,
And damaged confidence largely due to how others who were less challenged (in those ways) have harmfully mistreated me..,
And how serious I tend to take reality,
And how much it hurts me,
When others act mean to me..,
(Because as I say.. they unconsciously seek security in trying to have control over others who are weaker easy targets like ME.. because they haven’t learned nor have had experiences that inspired them to awaken themselves which (in my belief) starts by healing the internal roots of our unconsciously built-up inner insecurity, so their egos (unconsciousness) conveniently tries to feel better about themselves by being mean to those like me, which never sufficiently helps them feel more secure because they remain unaware internally, and then instead of learning to feel better or more fulfilled inwardly, their egos act even more mean to me to try to attain that sense of “security”),

I wish I let go of my painful autistic history,
I wish it wasn’t so painful,
I wish I could just let it go,

I try to accept as much (of what I can’t presently change) as I can,
My ego wants to but doesn’t feel like a man,
I know I must let go of those expectations that distract me from the moment,
And I been struggling with proper awareness expansion practice consistency..,
And many will continue to hurtfully judge me,
Even though in my belief,
As for what I’ve been through and still struggle with..,
They just haven’t experienced it,
Yet I know they also have their history and present painful bullshit..,
And I guess their inner pain is what externally emanates hurtful judgment,
So I guess to some extent I somewhat “get it”..?

I’d say I’m not alone in the bullshit..

Since that,
Whatever we experience internally,
We emanate externally,
If we feel inwardly clearer,
Our presence and the awareness we give off,
May even help others suffer less..,
But yes..,
It’s not easy yet I guess could become easier and easier the more we empathically support ourselves to inwardly develop healing energy,
Instead of not inwardly processing and/or healing our inner painful bullshit,
Then uncontrollably treat each other like shit and therefore just add to more of it..,

And even though (as I said) it isn’t easy..,
(Regardless of however much I’ve been blessed with that I struggle to appreciate to try to feel better),
And although I don’t know and it’s not guaranteed wherever I’ll go,

I’m continuing on my journey,

Happy St. Patrick’s day,
I wish I could remain consciously fulfilled and aware of detail more often without getting inebriated,
I have and I still can..,

I just have to continue on, And not get discouraged when it seems harder, Yet truthfully doing it will still more likely make life easier than if I were to not inwardly prepare myself for whatever I presently encounter,

I would guess ?

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s