Easy Target

Because I lack confidence in myself,
I’ll believe I’m the one whose not alright,
When others gaslight,

They’ll make me doubt how right I am,
Because I’m trying to please them,
Because I want to fit in,
Because I’ve had enough mistreatment and isolation…..
And of course,
Because they’re power hungry,
Sometimes blood thirsty,
Egos,
Clearly know,
I’m an easy target,

I have trouble staying centered in a chaotic world..,

When I’m not taking a type of medication,
In recreation,
It’s then,
through prescription..,

Man….

I try,
try and fucking TRY..
Yet no matter how hard I try,
I’m just a silly autistic white guy,

Why should I not mention race?
I’m AUTISTIC..,
I’m going to lose no matter what,
IN THIS CASE..,

You either find me hilarious,
or impossible to stand,
No matter how well I express myself,
You experienced different so..,
You won’t understand..,

Whether or NOT I’m being laughed at to an extent, that confuses me and is harmful for my development..,
I assume others often keep me in their hostile projection,
Then I somehow fall victim to their dangerous assumption(s),
And I once again lose trust in people,
Then go back to isolation..,

I want to be free of this painful repetition,
Yet my lack of confidence always assumes I’ll fall victim to dangerous unconsciousness,
Such as manipulation,

I know it’s my mind,
Such as..,
My innate emotional hypersensitivity,
My learning disabilities,
That makes me an easy target,
Tells others to “come bully me”,
..
Yet if I don’t control myself,
It could escalate horrifically,

It’s a painful obstacle,

Too frequently..

Huhh..

I can’t tell when I’m being evaluated,
Emphasized with or both?
Which I guess makes me an easy target for gaslighting?

Yet due to my damaged confidence,
Among many atypical characteristics,
I’m an easy target in all sorts of ways,
Which sucks,
In all sorts of ways,

At least as of now,
If I didn’t write this or anything I might’ve been feeling way worse,
?
Regardless,
I must consistently detach my awareness,
From any forms of dangerous unconscious,
Force,
Or current,
Or whatever is the clearest way to describe it

?

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