Increasing Tolerance of Pain, Steady and Sane

If I was buried,
Infinitely alive,
In an oven casket,

I presently doubt,
I would inwardly detach myself,
From the pain,
Enough to ever find acceptance of it,
I hope it doesn’t stay like that,

The less I know,
How to alleviate pain,
The more,
Pain I feel,
While experiencing,
Whatever is regarded as,
“Pain”,

Even if I came,
From nothing,
And will return to,
Nothing,
I’ll still have hope,
In something,

As Mark Manson talks about,
In a book of his,
Based on one of my interpretations,
Hope,
Keeps us going?

I don’t know??

(Source: Mark Manson, “Everything is F*cked”, (2019), (page 19, or I guess, just read all pages.. there, I gave him credit, so I won’t get accused of plagiarism, if I coincidentally quoted him.. Riiiight??)),

I feel more comfortable,
When I believe people,
Are taking what I say,
Literally,
Yet,
I worry,
That my mannerisms will,
Make others who can’t stand me,
lose control emotionally,
Dangerously,

I guess,
it’s hope that,
keeps me going,
Inevitably,

Yet to paraphrase something else,
Which hope is,
Real,
And,
Which,
hope,
Is,
False?

I worry,
That I’ll become too focused,
Then lose focus,
On safety,

Video “thumbnails”,
And different,
Personalities,
Looks,
Usually what I find confusing,
I fear,
Make assumptions about me,

And I fear,
Losing focus,
On what any other sentient being,
May be planning,

Yet I guess,
In addition to hope,
I hope,
For better and better cause and effect,

I don’t know how to end this,
Stanza sequence,

?

I’d guess,
We can always,
Ask,
Why?

Yet,
Why,
Is it,
That I’m always feeling,
That others,
Can’t focus,
On,
How their focusing,
Feels to be,
Causing ME,
Suffering?

Is it possible,
For EVERYONE to know,
Right from wrong,
And NOT experience pain?

Is being “sensitive”,
Always “bad”?

If we’re COMPLETELY,
Not sensitive,
Then how will we know how to,
Prevent suffering?

So don’t you agree,
That saying,
“DON’T BE SENSITIVE”,
Can be,
Painfully confusing??

Another platitude,
I’d say this comes back to,
Is the importance of,
Moderation??
But when?
I currently,
Can not,
Spot,
Deception,

My,
Ego,
To varying degrees,
Seems to feel a need,
To overcompensate,
To prove to others,
Who don’t believe,
I been through shit,
By reliving,
YET,
filming all of it,

So,
That what,
Causes me pain,
That I do NOT want to relive,
Yet,
Feel a NEED to PROVE,
Seems to be,
My victim mentality,
Feeding into,
A surveillance hierarchy!?

So,
It seems to me,
The more I focus on MYSELF,
The more DISTANT I am,
Regardless of how close they are,

It also seems to me,
The more the thought of being “PERFECT”,
Distracts me,
The more I forget about my rights,
And the rights of others,

So I also,
Really,
Really hope,
That any NEEDED changes for my own,
And EVERYONE’s survival,
Remains,
Physically,
and,
Emotionally,
Peaceful,

I’m not ready,
For more pain,
I want the step by step process,
To be steady,
And sane,

To build pain tolerance,
I want it to be,
Slow,
STEADY,
And,
Sane,

So presently,
I’m not ready,
For your judgment,
Of how much pain you wish to give me

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