Yet

I try to open up,
Yet,
I feel,
Many prefer,
I shut the fuck up,

I want to chill,
Yet,
I want to look clearly,
I want to experience deeply,
I want to discover profound capability,
I want to be honest about how I feel,
As a result of how others treat me,
Regardless of what their intentions may be,

I want kindness and sensitivity,
Yet,
I don’t want anyone,
Including myself,
Getting overly offended,
or derailed,
Too easily,

If I could be less sensitive,
I would,
Yet,
I have a history,
Of being an easy target for bullying,
Which is why I feel,
I sometimes make too big of a deal,
Over very small things,

I want honesty,
Yet,
I do NOT want others to say,
Nor do what harms me,
Then further damages me,

I try to be myself around others,
Yet,
I don’t expect them to like me,
Even when I am myself,
Yet,
Less truthfully,
And more conformingly,

I want to be around,
Those who are honest and expressive,
Yet,
I don’t want to get too offended,
I don’t want,
worse mental health issues,
Or whatever the issues,

I want to be around others,
Yet,
I don’t want them,
To make stuff feel harder for me,
In a way that does NOT help,
Yet,
Harms me,

I like to be around people,
Yet,
Instead of getting to know me,
I thought I heard others looking and saying mean things about me,
To get attention from their friends insatiably,
Like when I was by myself at the bar,
And people were like,
“Who’s that kid over there!!?”
And it was hard,
Not blocking out feeling rejected,
Negatively judged,
Dismissed and excluded,
While,
Remaining sober,

And that day was the end of another painful one,
YET,
When I went to be around the only available social environment,
As I generally expect,
I felt,
Even more like,
Another weirdo,
Another reject,

I want to feel less isolated,
YET,
I don’t want to end up becoming more hurt,
Damaged,
And upset,

I want to work hard and make better choices,
That lead to happier experiences,
Yet,
My confidence in a desired result,
I feel to be damaged,
As a result,
Of being labeled,
Bullied,
And emotionally,
Spiritually,
Damaged,

I want to be around those who have good powerful spirit,
Yet,
I fear that they may abuse it,
And I feel that I am still,
An easy,

Target