How I let Go

I feel that,
I always struggle with my ability,
To let go,

Am I harmfully suppressing it?
Am I harmfully self-medicating?
Am I harmfully being overly prescribed?
Am I being sucked into a belief system,
Am I being sucked into an institution that’s a harmful fit?
Am I properly breathing and detaching from it?
Am I consciously clearing it?
As of now,
I just,
Don’t feel I’ll ever be that good at it,

I wish I was NOT neurodivergent,
I wish my experiences,
Have felt to be,
A better fit,
I wish I could,
Just let it go as I go,
I wish I FELT more that I could,
“Just do” and “stick to it”,

I feel like,
Many people blame me,
For all that’s wrong with me,

And I know I make decisions,
Yet,
If they could just see,
That having autism in combination with the pressure I feel from society,
My bullying history,
My victim mentality that I fail at LETTING GO of incessantly,
And that I just feel,
That,
(Unlike I assume many others who were labeled like me feel),
That,
For ME,
My labels,
My conditions,
Has NOT often felt,
To be a blessing,

And I still doubt that many will,
Sufficiently,
Continually empathize,
With what I’m saying,

Aside from all other struggles,
Apparently,
Having a good memory,
Being predisposed to hypersensitivity and therefore,
Memorable emotional (and/or physical) pain,
I feel,
Has NOT made letting go feel easy,

I just feel,
Sometimes (if not often),
That it’s impossible,
Even when I harm myself like self-medicating,
To block out the toxic pain I feel to be carrying,

With a good memory,
A lot of what I feel a need to let go,
Just,

Sticks with me,

Yet,
I feel,
There’s always more to it,

To speak for myself,
It just feels rough,
In this present,

Moment