Living in the Past

Sometimes it just really hurts me,
When someone appears to be empathizing with me,
Then out of nowhere,
And just,
Turns against me,
And I’m like in my mind asking myself,
“Were they ever there for me when I thought they were?”,
“Did they relate to me how I thought they did?”,
Did they just lose patience with me?
And/Or were they,
Always inwardly hurtfully judging me,
And were just hiding it superbly?
And whenever someone does appear to empathize with me,
I’m like,
“Are they really feeling me the way it appears to be?”,
I wish I felt a bit more certainty..,

As for what I feel to be many,

They’ll tell me to stop “living in the past”,
As if it’s that easy,

They’ll tell me (or imply) to stop “living in the past”,
Without knowing nor experiencing,
How my past has affected me,
And how stuff,
Just so easily,
Sticks with me,

They’ll tell me to stop “living in the past”,
Instead of acknowledging how hard I tried,
And how far I came,
And what I overcame,
In my past,

They’ll tell me to stop “living in the past”,
Instead of empathizing with all my ability,
To get past,
My painful past,
And the empathy,
I would guess could be something that may also help me,
Clear and/or heal my inner past pain,
Due to the healing energy of someone being there for me..,
Uncompassionate advice,
(Even with ZERO signs of emergency (from me)),
Is what I feel many give me,

They’ll tell me to stop “living in the past”,
Instead of joining me in an effort to let it go,

They’ll tell me to stop “living in the past”,
Then they’ll give me unasked for criticism,
Without showing me how,
Without joining me in my efforts,
being nearly as nice,
As I been to them,

They’ll tell me to stop “living in the past”,
Without acknowledging,
That what I feel is worth sharing in writing,
Entails revisiting my past,
And sharing understanding,
That I intend,
To be helpful,

They’ll tell me to stop “living in the past”,
Because I “can’t improve myself if I do”,
I learn how to keep moving forward,
From trying to do stuff differently,
Take people and their meanness towards me,
Less personally,
And instead realize that they’re,
Just trying to help me,
Such as by saying,
“You can’t move forward if you ‘live in the past’”,

Yet although I agree,
Too often I feel,
That they’re shaming me for something I’m struggling to do,
Instead of empathizing with my frustration with failing to let go,
Of my past,

(To further emphasize..),
Even though some might be trying to help me,
It often feels,
They’re adding criticism,
Instead of empathizing with how easily stuff sticks with me due to my hyper-emotional reactivity in combination with learning disabilities all making me an easy target,
Etc, etc, etc..,
And due to my good memory,
Sometimes my past just sticks with me,

And maybe sometimes,
Instead of trying to help me,
They’ll want to try to compensate for their insecurity by shaming me for failing to do what is hard for me,
And I just wish their actual intentions were more clear to me,

And I wish it was that easy,
And (assuming they have hurtful intent) I wish they did NOT displace their anger,
Or whatever bad feelings onto me,
To feel better that (in my belief) only lasts briefly,
Because it does NOT get to the source,

And I’ll take a step in a good direction,
And maybe because others were too hard on them,
They’ll be hard on me,
Instead of breaking the cycle..,

Instead of trying to help and learn how to feel better inwardly,
And therefore act nice,
Many seem to just perpetuate,
Unasked for,

And if I try to tell them this,
I feel they’ll dismissively take it the wrong way,
And they’ll respond with cruel energy,
That’ll make it harder for ourselves to make it through the day,
Since the bad energy,
May limit and harm us (?),
While we’re trying to stay strong,
And continue,
In whatever way,


I know it’s not easy,
I do NOT mean to be hard on them for being hard on me..,

It’s just hard,
Having to get used to people,
Treating me (in my belief) so much harder than necessary,

And I feel it’s been hard,
Feeling there’s so many assholes,
Who will NOT empathize,
And still will NOT when I’m in those dark emotional holes,
And that their hurtful angry advice,
(Instead of feeling supportive),
Will make me feel to be sinking even deeper,
And darker,
Into hopeless negativity,
And painful obsessive isolating insecurity..,


Guess it goes back to my inner warrior,
Or however one may put it..,


I know I can stick with it!!
I will NOT get derailed,
By people and their bullshit!


I’ll keep at it!!

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