Lightened Mood

I’m at a Taco Bell drive-through:

Guy on speaker: Welcome to Taco Bell.
Me: Hi.. uh.. I’ll have two chicken crunchwraps. And uh.. hot sauce please.
Guy on speaker: Two chicken crunchwraps, hot sauce.
Me: Yes.
Guy on speaker: Anything to drink?
Me: Uh.. I’ll get a large diet Pepsi. Thanks.
Guy on speaker: Large Diet Pepsi.. Okay..

He tells me the total..,

Guy on speaker: Please pull up to the window.

While at the window,
I see the same guy,
Who another time asked in a really goofy voice..,
Even though I said the sauce I wanted on the speaker..,
Yet,
He was still like:
“Would yuh like sauce with thaaaat??”
And that time I didn’t laugh,
And just said “yes” seriously,
..,
And this time,
Once I saw him again at the window,
I’m like (in my mind..),
“Here we go”,
My busted balls were ready to be busted..
once again..,

At the window I say:

Me: Sup dude.

I hand him my debit card..,

Guy at window: We don’t have tomatoes.
Me: What?
Guy at window: We don’t have tomatoes.
Me: What are you talking about?
Guy at window: You asked if we had tomatoes, and we don’t have tomatoes.
Me: I never asked if you have tomatoes.
Guy at window: Yes you did.

He hands me back my debit card,

We both quietly stare at each other,
And even though he knows that I know he’s joking around,
He keeps doing it anyway,

Me: I never asked if you have tomatoes.
Guy at window: Are you good?
Me: I’m fine. I’m wondering if you’re good?
Guy at window: Well.., I’m wondering if you’re good because you asked if we have tomatoes?
Me: Huhhhhh.

I smile to myself as he puts the food in the bag..,
And a coworker of his seems to laugh at me..,
And although I don’t say anything,
Although I assume they’re overworked,
Dealing with whatever,
And although he still is trying to lighten the mood,
I just..,
don’t take it lightly..,
Yet I try to keep playing along..,

He then keeps putting the food in the bag..,

Hands me my drink..,

Guy at window: Sorry, we don’t have any tomatoes.
Me: Huhhh..,

He then hands me the food..,

Me: Thank you for your service.
Guy at window: Yep, have a nice night alright.
Me: Same to you.

I head on home..,
Think about writing about this encounter while (of course) focusing on driving..,

..,

Huhh,
Yeah,
Even when I know it,
..,
Even when OTHERS know I know it,
People just keep busting my balls,

I try to take the jokes,
But sometimes,
I just,
Don’t have the best feeling,

..,
I can’t always tell their intentions behind the joking,
Are they just,
Tryna lighten my mood?
And/Or focused on raising their ego’s self-esteem by humoring their friends by trying to give me a hard time?
Or whatever it may be..,
Sometimes I..,
Just don’t take it lightly,

Like I said,
He knew,
That I knew,
That he was busting my balls practically the whole time,
Yet,
I just haven’t been having a good time,
Yet,
I couldn’t exactly tell if he was trying to cheer me up,
Or see if he could make me lose emotional control of myself??
Or whatever..?

Ayiiiii,
Yes,
What a funny guy,

Yet,
It’s just been hard,
After all my balls being busted,
And continually busted,
And many people continually NOT taking it lightly,
When I peacefully express when I (now or then (or whenever)) feel offended..,

Of course,
For one,
I think I could tell he was mostly joking,
Yet,
Sometimes I could tell,
When the energy,
Felt to be harmfully against me..,

And well,
Regardless if this guy,
Would actually be cool with being friends with someone like me..,
Well,

Like many,
People may mess with me,
Yet,
Still NOT prefer to be around me,
And sure,
SOMETIMES,
They may consider how they treat me to be “light-hearted”,
In addition to whatever else are there intention(s),
For whatever valid and/or irrational reason(s),
Huhhh..,

But I’m just like..,
My balls have been busted hard enough already,
So,
As for anyone who wants to “toy with me”,
Huhhh..,

As for anyone who wants to toy with my autistic neurodivergence,
I get it,
I’m a fun goofy-ass target,

Yet,
Having fun is something I get,
And yet,
Going crazy with customers is something I felt,
Even though it was with supermarket “Wholesale” retail (and I know maybe there’s some (if not a lot of) stuff for safety reasons I must (on my blog) keep confidential..) and I’ve never worked in fast food..,
Well,
If possible,
And since I view myself as one of the nicer customers,
How about,
Just,
For me,
How about,
Here and there,
As for those who can TELL I struggle to take stuff lightly,
How about..,
just..,
taking it easy,
??

Will it make it less fun,
Well,
I’m also working on my inner reactions,
So instead of always blaming the external about how we feel,
What if we also cleared and healed ourselves externally,
So we can (yes improve functioning),
Yet also,
Just,
Take stuff,
More LIGHTLY,
So they do NOT limit,
Damage,
And/or,
DESTROY US,
Inwardly..,

??

Yes,
There’s a chill part of me..,

And..,
I know I can’t change how others treat me,
After all that isolation,
And due to wanting to briefly run out of the house,
This just happened to be the interaction,

Huhh,
Yes,
Regardless of the guy’s intentions,
I try not to get derailed by my inner hyper-emotional reactions,

I believe I,
Just gotta,
Keep flowing through in my best way,
And expect,
Since I can NOT seem to avoid,
Being treated and/or mistreated,
All sorts of ways,

I Just,
(As I believe),
Gotta keep breathing,
And consciously detaching and witnessing,
My emotions,
So I don’t get pulled in and lose myself,
..,
I gotta,
Take stuff less seriously,
Even if people are actually trying to feel better by being mean to me..,
Even when the “benefit of the doubt”,
Just does NOT feel easy..,
Even in moments when not reacting angrily feels to be of great difficulty,

I’ll just (keep trying to) notice,
And let be,
And keep trying,
Even when,
It’s not easy,

And of course,
Due to my history,
And hypersensitivity,
Hyper-emotional-alertness and/or hyper-inner/emotional-reactivity..,
I struggle giving others (like this guy) the “benefit of the doubt”,
Yet,
The dude seemed chill,
Well adjusted,
Didn’t appear to need any emotional relaxation pills,
Prescriptions..,
(With side-effects..),
..,
Although OF COURSE I NEVER completely know,
Even though,
The guy appeared very sociable,
likeable,
And well adjusted,
And seemed to have a bunch of other admirable qualities..,
And still,
My balls just had to get busted..,

And as I drove back,
I let more tailgating cars pass,
And as for whatever the guy’s intentions really were,

I’ll,
Try,
To,
Let it pass..,

Yes,
I also could have talked about eating meat,
The suffering of animals (assuming this is the case (assuming they weren’t killed in a humane way)),
Due to addictive convenience,
..,
And well,
I haven’t had fast food in awhile,
Writing is at least one way I hope to spread better,
And/or more honest,
And/or,
Helpful energy..,
Regardless of the extents if what I post is actually helpful or not..,
Of course..,

And regardless of all else I could’ve discussed,
Such as reckless driving,
Feeling ghosted,
Feeling once again socially rejected,
Once again isolated..,

After assuming Burger King was open,
Driving all the way to that town (New City),
Then finding out it was closed,,
Then driving to Taco Bell in another town.. (Haverstraw),
Then back to my hometown (which at least in this post is confidential),

Well,
Apparently I found some more stuff to talk about,
From another boring ride,
To Taco Bell,

Regardless..,
If the man was intending to bust my balls or not,
Well..,
(As I try to for anyone regardless of their intentions),
I wish him well

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