When it comes down to It

I presently feel that:

I do NOT want an excessive painful,
Nor any immensely painful,
Struggle,

Yet I often wish my struggle(s),
Felt more meaningful,

Instead of silly autistic OCD shit,
Resulting from insecurity,
Resulting from bullying,
Resulting from,
Being a vulnerable easy target..,
This,
That,
and whatever else..,
(In whatever order..),

How about,
I struggle to survive,
Then go through tremendous obstacles,
Then by society’s standards,
“Arrive”,

??

Oh yes,
They could make a movie about it,
Of course my insatiable ego may never get to the inner source(s) of its perpetual dissatisfaction,
Yet,

I could then write a book,
Go on talk shows,
Get profound amounts of attention for my personal irrelevant bullshit,
While knowing,
That while knowing it,
Others will still succumb to focus on it..,

Anyway,
It’s like,
I struggle,
And I feel many do NOT see it,
And I can NOT tell how much,
Others understand it,
When I struggle to explain it..,
??

And I feel that many just keep making,
And solidifying,
Negative,
Hurtful judgment(s)..,
??

Yet..,

I just wish,
That I felt,
Less alone,
In my neurodivergent,
Bullshit,

And NO,
Just because others are also “on the spectrum”,
In the same autistic way,
Does NOT guarantee we’ll connect in some “deeper” way,
..,
And I additionally would say,
No matter what our labels are,
No matter our skin color,
Gender,
Sexuality,
IQ scores,
Test results..,
Or however we may be placed in a “category”,
Or however many different “categories”..,

I’d say,
There’s always some varying levels of uniqueness in all of us,
Including (of course),
In our experience(s),
And I hope you may positively BROADLY interpret this..,

??

And well,

I just keep wishing,
For (healthy) increasing feelings,
Of worthwhile,
Existing,

Yes..,
I could exchange my struggles for what I regard as more “meaningful” struggles,
Yet,
When it comes down to it,
I mostly prefer,
To not,
Pointlessly,
Excessively,

Struggle,

And I hope to experience,
More,
Of what I feel as,
Deeply,
Meaningful