Deeper part(s) of Me

Guess I can still work on using more figures,
That describe speech,
Or whatever can be indirectly used to describe a feeling and/or experience (for example) that is not direct words..,
And may evoke deeper feeling(s) that are deeper than direct literal words and/or literal (non-figurative) analysis..?
Assuming the literal words don’t lead to deepened understanding,
Deeper than literal,
And/or deeper than any type of external conveying can express,
And because feelings themself are literally deeper as for that,
Since feelings and expressions (although related) are literally separate (yes they may be deeply interconnected in a different sense as for solid and space..),
I would guess..?

As for today,
On July 26th, 2022:

Later after running errands with my mom,
While driving alongside a strip mall,
I told my mom to stop for an old man waiting to crossover to the parking lot,
As she stopped the car he gave us a dirty look while crossing (seemingly) due to her stopping slightly abruptly,

Yet his mean glare stuck with me,
So right after dropping me off to go to Chipotle (before our drive home),
I decided to walk over..,

As I did this and as I expected..,
My mom was calling my name..,

Mom: Zach! Zach!

I had my eye on the old man,

Right as he was getting into his car,
As I felt anxiety arise in me,
In a shaking/broken voice which I largely feel is due to not normally confronting people like this,
I exclaimed..,

Me: Sir! Don’t look at my mom like that!

He then began to respond with much greater, neurotypical and well-developed confidence in himself..,

Old man: What are you talking about!?

Me: When we let you cross the street you gave my mom a dirty look.

(Although it was both of us..)

Old man: What are you talking about!!?

Me: You gave my mom a look.

Old man: I was just crossing the street minding my own business! You got the wrong guy!

So then I just got intimidated and stared at the old white man..,
Then his ego,
continuing in its strong Hudson Valley tri-state accent,
Used that as an opportunity to further emotionally overpower me instead of providing empathy..,

Old man: You’re crazy!!

I continued to stare at him.

Old man: You got the wrong guy! You’re crazy!

So then I tried to just continually reduce the upsetting interaction by saying..,

Me: Have a nice day.

Old man: You’re crazy.

He shut his car door and took off with his stoic, stone cold energy..,

(And yes I then went to Chipotle right after..),

And yes,
A part of me got mad for not justifying why I felt he was the crazy one..,
And yeah,
I know I should’ve just shrugged it off,
but the disrespect I (including my mom (as I feel)) often receive in response to our kindness sometimes PISSES ME OFF,

Although this may not precisely parallel what I’m referring to,
One time in NYC when my mom was just standing still waiting to cross a woman walked right into her,
And as my mom anxiously looked up,
The woman gave her a nasty look and was like “Uhhhhhh”,
And just kept on walking probably to keep chasing her selfish career..,
And I know I shouldn’t make bad projections (regardless of the actual case)..,
And no matter how accurate I may be,
(In my belief),
It does NOT help with compassionate energy..,
Aside from all the examples I can NOT keep up with..,

As I expected after this interaction..,

My mom got into protective lecture mode,
Then of course reminded me of the risk factor(s) of confronting strangers,
She gave me many important lectures regarding the dangers,
And aside from all the lectures I was ready to receive,
Even though I did NOT handle it safely,
Even though I should have left the old man alone and not have scared him for even his own wellness OBVIOUSLY,
(Since he appeared old and/or in poor health),
And although his emotions overpowered me,
I could’ve and luckily did NOT scare the man into (something like) a heart attack..,
Yet (in my belief) it would’ve been better for him as well if he empathized with my frustration instead of going on the attack,
Since due to his kind of energy..,
Yes it’s okay to vent,
Yet too much of that bad energy that raises blood pressure may (in my belief) increase chances of bad health and/or a heart attack..,
Especially if many do NOT know and/or struggle to consciously return to their inner body to heal the emotional/physical toxins that have built up in them..,


Aside from how foolish and irrational my behavior was,
Aside from the consciousness I must cultivate so I do NOT respond that way to a mean stranger..,

One time,
A long time ago,
I remember,
A man driving very slow,
Yet TOO CLOSE to me and my siblings in the ShopRite parking lot by the Palisades mall,
And (due to seeing this) my dad got so mad,
He turned,
The woman in the passenger’s seat got startled,
Then my dad walked up to the window and confronted the man,
And UNLIKE the man I confronted,
The man seemed to know what he did,
Yet I felt bad for the man (who my dad confronted) for feeling bad,
Yet as for protective instincts,
I understand,

Yet as for this man in that Nanuet parking lot today,
Instead of empathizing with me wanting to protect my mom,
Instead of saying after “you got the wrong guy”,
Something like “I understand why you felt the need to confront me”,
He just took his remaining insecurity out on my building anxiety,
(He just tried to make me feel more bad by just getting additionally emotionally distant and mad so his insatiable insecure ego would have a (although temporary) “quick fix”),
And therefore decided to repeatedly call me,
Instead of empathy,
Instead of acknowledging my consideration and clear (as they say) “benefit of the doubt”,
He just decided to call me,

And (regardless if saying this makes me look unconsciously crazy..) well,
I feel I wasn’t crazy,
Or my craziness (although foolish) was still VALID..,
As we let him cross..,
He did CLEARLY seem to give me and my mom a look that was quite dirty,
And since he did NOT appear to be in a conscious place to take the criticism,
He decided to unconsciously gaslight me,
Him being a grumpy old man,
Who made it through life,
Wanted to try to emotionally step on a far less confident young struggling bullied autistic man (and/or troubled manchild (?)) trying to stand up for his mom while knowing the risks,

Of course I have my assumptions..,
Of course this grumpy old man seemed rather harmless,
Yet of course,
There was no certainty..,

My mom once told me,
(NOT TO SHITTALK my dad..),
Just to point out that (it’s not only me who struggles with this kind of self-control essentially..),
Because apparently..,
While I was a baby,
My dad confronted these young kids who cut him off driving in a parking lot,
I think another time (before I was born),
My mom told me that..,
(NOT TO SHITTALK my dad..),
After a biker yelled at my dad by saying to him something like (?),
“Do you know how to read!!?”,
My dad responded by exclaiming,
“I have a masters!!”

And there was the time as we were,
In January 2015,
With me and my brother in the car while going to see the film “Selma” (at the Palisades mall),
With the guy who ran the red light,
By making an illegal right,
In the pickup truck,
And then my dad exclaimed,
“Are you drunk!!?”
And the man replied by exclaiming,
“Shut up!!”

(Not sure if I shared that one before..? Anyway..),

And well,
Aside from all the funny instances with my old man,
Which I made in short stories,
Which also occurred before his head injury (while running to the Subway, falling and hitting his head on stairs yet still catching the train (and thankfully they stopped his inner bleeding!!)),
Which may be less excusable..,
And yes..,
I’ll try NOT to speak for him..,
Yet anyway,

I also,
Wanted to thank him for all he’s done for me,
Including for teachers and their rights,
Because (in my present belief) they try and succeed to varying degrees,
At helping sustain the future of humanity,

I’ll just also say,
There was that time when he generously drove me to the juggling convention out in Purdue University in Indiana,
And that time (driving out there) in Youngstown Ohio (before his head injury) when they stopped serving breakfast (at McDonald’s) and he was like “Shit!! Shit!!”
And yes there was way more to that yet just thought I’d additionally briefly mention it..,

And yes,
I could say more and more,
Instead of “crazy”,
I want to say,
That we are human,
And we may experience hard to control emotion(s),
And we may struggle in our efforts (especially if we feel alone with them) at inner alleviation,

So yes,
I was acting crazy by confronting the guy,
As for him not having empathy to consciously respond with towards me,
That did NOT help contribute to less crazy energy,
And yes,
I’ll try to let it go and not react to it,
Like water,
Under the,
(not Cuomo),
Tappan Zee bridge..,
Hence I feel,
It’s as they say “water under the bridge”,
Same with the road rage incident I discussed due to being tailgated by that guy approaching the New Tappan Zee bridge (which I then referred to as the “Cuomo Bridge”.. in my post “Tailgated” (when it occurred and when I posted it in March 2021)),
But anyway,
It’s all,
“Water under the freakin bridge”,
And I try,
To not get thrown off the bridge and drown in the current and/or undertow of bad energy including my history,
And yeah,
Staying focused on the road (figuratively speaking) has NOT always felt easy,
(And well.., sometimes literally.., yet I’m staying as safe as I can, and when I appear as emotionally worked up my mom does NOT let me drive for obvious safety and (therefore) valid reasons..),
So if I don’t drive safe on any road it could be hazardous for obvious reasons,

And yeah,
Still working on inner emotional settling,
And preparing myself for not destructively reacting,
Nor destructively handling them (such as self-medicating and/or being forced harmfully excessively prescribed medications or whatever (which may be insatiably excessively profiting those (or some of those) doing the prescribing(?))..),

So yes,
Figuratively AND/OR literally,
If our emotional pain,
Does not remain,
As just,
Water that runs under the bridge,
(If it evaporates into us or however one would bridge together that figurative connection..?),
Me and someone else may fly off the bridge and drown in the (unevaporated and remaining (?)) deadly currents/undertow,
Unless we know how to consciously,
Especially in the most needed moments,
Handle it,

And yep,
I still struggle to sustain in society,
As for many who do NOT know me,
Who dismissively assume I’m crazy,
Instead of consciously giving me the fair benefit of the doubt,
And considering (such as what I frequently talk about),
That I’m a guy,
Who has had a lot of struggle and continues to struggle,
Especially in ways that are with learning/attention/information processing,
Emotional balancing and of course socializing,
Among whatever else..,

So it makes sense that many may assume I’m “crazy”,
Especially with the (in my belief) mainstream convenient dismissive judgmental mentality,

And I will therefore once again,
Work on controlling my emotional reaction,
So it does NOT lead to a dangerous explosion with others (such as the old man who called me “crazy”) who also struggle to control their inner chemical emotional reaction(s),
(And I’ll speak for him to express anger towards him, even though I know I do NOT know the guy..),
And so instead of medication creating suppression by shutting me down,
I will try to,
Once again,
Return to my inner body,
To consciously detach,
To cultivate healing energy,
To cultivate less intense emotional reactivity,
And more peace in me,


And of course to make it more likely that I’ll recognize when I’m crazy or about to be,
So I do NOT let the crazy unconsciousness take hold of me,
Because I feel,
Like that guy,
Many who feel I’m crazy,
Are just,
NOT saying it to help me..,

So when it comes down to it,

I’d say that a,

Deeper part of me,

Is NOT crazy

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