Okay so here’s a section that I omitted that was initially part of my last post titled “Remains of Me” that as for today (July 27th, 2022) remains public..,
And I guess as for how the “dark clouds” would obliterate me..,
As for how I’d literally connect that figure of written expression..,
Well..,
Maybe they’d create powerful lightning that zaps me?
Maybe they could..,
Rain fire and/or lava onto me?
Or whichever figure of speech connection(s) work..,
Works..,
And maybe this stanza is OCD??
But yeah,
I feel,
As for (an example of) PROBABILITY,
The more alone I am with my feelings,
The more vulnerable I am to the feelings destroying me,
(Not saying I can’t be vulnerable elsewhere),
Yet..,
When I’m by myself,
In isolation,
Without help,
For one the lack of connection and/or lack of attention distraction may open more attention for bad feelings/memories,
Hence more likely increasing their power and/or control over me,
So I may sink into inner emotional darkness quite deeply..,
So yeah,
Not saying being around others is always helpful,
Yet when I am alone with bad memories and don’t know how to alleviate them,
I could be quite vulnerable,
For example..,
??
And here is how the rest of that post initially went:
And I had it initially titled “Alone with it”.. or “When Alone with it”..,
I forget but I’d guess you (or many of you) clearly get it..,
??
But yeah..,
Sometimes it really bothers me,
When I’m alone with bad memories such as of people acting hurtful towards me..,
..,
Oh..,
Was it really as bad as my isolated mind makes it (later on) to be?
Guess there may always REMAIN that uncertainty..?
Okay okay..,
Here is how the rest of the initial post actually finished reading:
And yes I may include revising..,
Here it is:
I’d say I feel that,
Feeling so much pain,
In isolation,
Ohhh,
Sometimes instead of detaching and witnessing the energy,
It takes control of my awareness,
Sometimes it,
Distracts my attention from not only knowing,
Yet (as a result) NOT feeling what I INSTEAD could be appreciating with my being..,
Instead of being alone with these dark feelings..,
If I find a viable way to direct my attention in a (also) real yet POSITIVE way..,
I may be functioning a much better way,
And I may be developing myself in a way that’ll increase the LIKELIHOOD of experiencing better days..,
??
Okay so a lot of the above had newly created sections.. and now.. as I re-read and/or possibly revise this,
Here’s the rest of what remained as the initial draft of this:
Huhhhh..,
My innate AND traumatically exacerbated hyper-alertness,
Takes away from relaxed appreciation of my present experience(s),
Oh..
There’s so much,
I miss..,
Huhhh,
The emotions arise at various times,
And I try to yet STRUGGLE to remain aware all the time,
So their toxic currents do NOT kill me..,
I try to do all I know,
To stay afloat,
So I do not painfully sink,
And drown,
Deeply,
I feel I first must sufficiently remind myself,
How I first must handle it,
However I see fit,
So I don’t sink,
So I don’t become to lost,
In the pain and darkness of it,
Yep,
That’s what I had initially wrote (or typed),
And I hope that sufficiently expresses it
Zach Dana Writing 