My Whole Life

My whole life,
I feel that the challenges I always had,
And some in which I may try to share here (or below),
Continue to varying frequencies,
Throughout my life,
And may likely remain similar,
For the rest of my life,
?

My whole life,
I felt most others,
Instead of helping me,
Would impulsively,
Use my weaknesses against me,

My whole life,
I felt I struggled to communicate,
How I felt,
And I felt that others would deal with that,
By responding (or unconsciously reacting) in ways,
(Regardless of their intentions and causes of their intentions..),
That were aggressively mean,
Condescending,
Belittling..,
Emotionally and literally distancing,
Which made me sink even deeper into the immense painful feelings I felt to be by myself grappling with,
And continually also carrying,
Such as while in whatever direction I tried aspiring,

My whole life,
I felt that others would provide me,
Without my permission,
Mean advice, feedback and/or criticism,
Instead of needed compassion,
To help me continue to do,
A lot of what I have been struggling to do,
Such as letting go of my past,
In order for it to decreasingly,
Hold me back,

My whole life,
Others have (often angrily and impatiently),
Told me what to do,
Without telling me HOW to do it,
Nor helpfully empathetically joining with me in my great efforts,
With pursuing it..,
..,
Regardless of whatever they may have truly meant..,
They’d just give me mean unasked-for advice,
Instead of helping me cultivate the strong inner spirit I needed,
And regardless of what they said,
Many would remain emotionally distant,
And would just leave me too it..,
Sometimes (if not often (?)) I’d refer to it as emotional abandonment..,
??
And regardless of their true intent..,
Well,
I feel many of my deep needs,
Went and remained deeply,
Unmet..,
Huhhh,

My whole life,
I have felt incompatible,
And equally incompatible with those who had the same label(s),
On (seemingly) the same part(s) of “the autism spectrum”,
Or whatever neurodivergent “spectrum(s)”..,

My whole life,
I felt the mainstream to NOT be a good fit,
And my whole life,
I viewed many non-mainstream/alternative option environment(s) to be JUST AS BAD (in different ways),
If not..,
WORSE..,
In however and/or who knows what ways..,
??

My whole life,
I struggled to socially fit in,
And I still struggle to manage my emotion(s),
In isolation,
Such as deepening sadness and frustration resulting from experiencing recurring rejection,

My whole life,
(Or most of it),
I felt that many people who act friendly to me,
Do NOT truthfully want to be around me..,
And if they invite me..,
I often feel their egos get a high by stepping on me and feeling a sense of dominance over me..,

My whole life,
I seeked validation,
From those (seemingly) regarded as “neurotypical”,
And therefore without a condition,
That I felt to be harmful,
And,
Incompatible with..,
..,
Yes,
I have often felt INCOMPATIBLE,
With my LABEL(s)..,
Such as it has felt to NOT serve,
Nor provide me with a “like-minded” community of those labeled “like me”,
..,
And I feel since we (those “on the spectrum” like me) may emotionally gravitate away from others..,
We just may also remain EQUALLY distant (if not MORE distant) from each other..?
Regardless..,
As for my whole life..,
I feel to have had a lot I just did NOT prefer..,
And/or,
Of course,
Far WORSE..,

My whole life,
I wanted to feel on the same page,
On the same wavelength,
And/or however in sync..,

My whole life,
I struggled to pay attention,
And that has opened my emotional hyper-awareness,
To absorb others’ mean painful energy..,
That they’d exude when lecturing me,
And/or however being dark and crude to me,
..,
I may have often missed out on what they’re saying,
Yet their dark energy,
I felt to be absorbing,
I felt it to be damaging me,
Continually..,

My whole life,
I excessively worried,
About what I could NOT control,
Such as how others would respond,
And of course,
What they’d think,
And I felt those worrisome thoughts and/or energy have overcasted (in my mind and/or whatever part(s) of my physiology..),
And/or GREATLY inhibited my ability to think clearly..,

My whole life,
I have had similar struggles that would come and go,
And experiences and struggles that I wish others would understand,
Although my whole life,
Even if I could NOT clearly put it into words for others to somewhat understand,
My whole life I have often felt that others,
Would just never seem to really understand..,

My whole life,
I have had recurring moments,
Of wishing for,
Of impatiently waiting for,
Of desperately hoping for,
A different,
Life,
In another life if NOT this life,

My whole life,
I struggled to pay attention,
To what could consciously help me,
Such as reducing inner painful limitation(s),

My whole life,
I have struggled with compassion,
And struggled to understand it..,
And properly inwardly gradually cultivate it,
And I feel that failure and/or unawareness of how to do that,
Has made it so much harder for me to make it through the moment,
Throughout my present life,
..,
And recently I feel to have been obsessively analyzing the present..,
Instead of expanding my awareness to deeply consistently appreciate the present,

My whole life,
I feel to have,
Missed out,
On (a lot of (or most of)) what I could have benefited from,
Throughout my life,
??

My whole life,
My states have changed,
From bad,
To another type of bad,
(However different and/or nuanced that may have been and can be clearly described in deep conscious (or whatever type of..) detail(s)..),

My whole life,
My ego would remain unsatisfied,
Would then meet an expectation,
Then would have another unexpected expectation,
And would remain,
More insecure,
More unsatisfied,
And would continually cause me,
To miss out on,
All that could help me feel,
More often,
Gratified,
And therefore,
Fulfillingly presently,
Alive,

My whole life,
I feel there to always have been,
A deeper truth that was always there,
Even if I was however,
To whatever degree,
If not,
Completely unaware,

My whole life,
I believe to have been existing as a physical manifestation,
As part of an underlying source,
Or interconnected WHOLE,
Of consciousness that happens to be the source of all there is,
That manifests on the surface..,
That is infinitely deeper than however anyone can infinitely deeply describe,
??

My whole life,
Or maybe..,
Due to living my whole life (?),
I feel I’ve come to realize deeper and deeper,
That new and clearer examples of how and what I can express,
That I somehow interpret from my life experience,
Is infinite..,
So to me it seems,
There’s always something new to list,
And there’s always a clearer/newer way to express (such as in writing),
Any number of experience(s),
?

My whole life,
I’ve had changing experiences,
That I could NOT precisely predict,
Nor precisely depict,
As they occur,
And/or however they recur,
Throughout my life