Below the “Neck Up”

If I’m just “neck up”,
Will I blow up?

If I’m just “neck up”,
What will happen to me?
If my innate and exacerbated hyper-alert emotional energy grows in me?
Will it (somehow) DESTROY me?
Will I ALWAYS be able to SUPPRESS the increasing pain in me just perfectly so I can conform to the mainstream way(s) of handling ourselves,
Or I guess “staying strong” internally?
I’m NOT even sure if many will truly understand me..(?),
Especially since (I feel) they’ll just remain “neck up” perpetually.. oh I like this “neck up” phrase my therapist helped inform me (among other stuff) of..,
Although I do NOT like the reality (I feel) it reminds me of..,
Will it safely work for someone like me?
To (try to) somewhat (in my own way) use a Pink Floyd metaphor..,
Will I become just another MAINSTREAM “brick in the wall”,
That fits in and hardens just perfectly(?),
In alignment with the other “bricks” precisely?
Oh Roger Waters although sides of me may side with you politically(?),
Although I just may deeply remember seeing you perform in (the presently named “‘MVP’ Arena” in..) Albany..,
Would you understand how it’s been hard for an autistic person with experiences like me..?
(And as you, or whoever may agree(?).., NOT all “autists” (you can look up the term on Urban Dictionary(?)) are the same EVIDENTLY.. US “autists” are DIFFERENT from each other AS WELL),
Will I be able to remain as “hard as a brick”?
With no emotions,
Or perfectly permanently suppressed emotions?
And regardless..,
Would my deeper awareness deeply prefer this?
And yes..,
I’d say Roger Waters would NOT (either)..,
And I know I can NOT speak for him among any others (either)..,
And IF the metaphor I’m trying to use is regarded as “plagiarism”..,
For one,
Is creativity about sharing or the EGO?
I’d say we do NOT want to be another unconscious egotistic “brick in the wall”,
And two,
And regardless of all else..,
If there’s just nothing I can do..,
Yes if I would get in trouble for making money off of this then yes you (whoever that may be) may disregard this stanza(?),
Yet I’ll add that evidently,
Even when I try to remain as a “brick in the wall”,
I either,
Do NOT fit in,
I either,
(Or “and/or”),
Fall out..,
And/or it however just does not end up,
Working out..,
(Okay here’s a link (if it is and remains as the right one) and I’ll just try to NOT get derailed by what Roger Waters and/or whoever else may think(?).., and of course SPOILER ALERT:,

If I’m just “neck up”,
Will it harm me physiologically?
Will the anger?
Will the stress?
That I fail to heal,
Kill me more instantly?
To be real..,
Whether that’s just from the “neck up”,
Or from a deeper,
More peaceful,

If I’m just “neck up”,
If I do NOT check in to how I feel within..,
Especially in the incompatible system(s) I often feel trapped in..,
What will it do to me?
If I do NOT check in within,
Below the neck,
And how will it MOSTLY affect me(?),
If I’m ALONE in my efforts repeatedly!!?
How will it affect me(?),
If those who appear to be “like-minded”,
End up being more like-a-cult in REALITY..,
Where are those who can TRULY be there for me..,
And no..,
I do NOT feel the answer is just the “Sierra Club”,
Nor just some bird watching community..,
I do NOT mean to just throw away the possibility..,
Even among those,
Who may just be nicer to me..,
Too many (as I feel) only see from the “neck up”,
And no matter how wrong and/or right I may be(?)..,
I feel I just have to express how I feel,
Yet I’m sure many will just have more and more unasked-for advice to give me..,
And their advice may(?) just come from the “neck up”,

If I’m just “neck up”,
Will I express myself to the guy whose jokes offended me?
Causing me to become more PHYSICALLY neck up?
(After attacking me due to him getting offended by me getting offended by his jokes (and/or whatever else regardless of true intent..)),
Or just head up and more LITERALLY and PHYSICALLY paralyzed below any of that??
I’ll have more conditions in addition to the autism..,
In addition to WHATEVER else..,
My mind keeps making feel,
As if I..,
Just can NOT stop f*cking up,
And maybe it’s time,
Paralyzed or not,
To look more deeply,
Than my,
(as they say(?)) “neck up”,

If I’m just “neck up”,
I feel that my OCD,
Will interfere with my written creativity,
Such as by obsessively feeling a need to title a new post (kinda (or mostly) how this one began) called and/or including the saying “neck up”,
INSTEAD of really sharing how I feel to be interpreting,
In my body BELOW my neck,
And therefore from a deeper place of experiencing,
Intended to (hopefully) help with just about anything,
Including inner/external organized efficiency increasing,

If I’m just “neck up”,
I would say that it would be quite damaging,
And/or OF COURSE limiting,
To whatever I’m presently experiencing,

If I’m just “neck up”,
I would say,
That just also may,
Severely SCREW me up(!?)..,
So as for,
Being deeper “in my body”,
Even though for someone like me it may not come AS easy..(?),
Well I feel I must keep at it repeatedly..,
So yeah,
As for being less “neck up”,
And more deeply in my body,
I feel I’m more likely to be overall,
And/or presently rewarded if I,
Give up,

If I’m just “neck up”,
And if I realize this,
I’ll try to keep my head up,
And go to a deeper place,
To hopefully,
Attain LESS damaging pain yet,
Deeper appreciation,
Of whatever happens to be my inner sensations,
Regardless of any,
Surrounding unavoidable situations,
So yes,
I think it’s in more of my present-self-manifestation-internal interests,
To inwardly build myself up,
FAR below just the,
“Neck up”

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