I feel that:
Like I said in my post “In whatever Surroundings”,
Instead of those on the spectrum,
Socially connecting by shared social struggles with social connections,
They’re just.. Not going to connect at all (since they presently can NOT and/or struggle to in the first place)..,
There will even more be just,
Whether “on the spectrum” or not,
However people developed themselves socially or not..,
Sometimes one person is in place to connect socially,
And the other person just isn’t,
And sometimes neither can,
And sometimes when both can’t they just TOTALLY miss each other,
Yet of course there’s not one guaranteed case,
Yet as for me,
I feel I’ve worked hard to develop myself socially among other ways,
And when I feel others just want to distance themselves from me in whatever ways,
It upsets me in various ways,
Here’s something that occurred the other day:
I’m sitting in the car while my dad walks inside a building to check if it’s where we’re expected to arrive, I then send my friend a voicetext, the one friend I’d see in person, who I now have been having a falling out with..,
Me: Hey man, not sure if you received my messages, yet I just wanted to be real. You have your valid points and I have mine.
After I hang up I talk in the car to the son of my dad’s new significant other who, like me, is also (as I’ve heard from my dad) somewhere on the “autism spectrum”..,
Me: Man, I try to be such a kind person. And I am, and I feel so many just are not to me in return.
While the son of my dad’s new significant other remains in the back seat, whether or not he was listening to music, after I vent, he doesn’t respond..,
Me: Hey man sorry if I’m coming across negative, I just don’t feel well.
Other guy on the spectrum: Just don’t be a dickhead alright? If you are I’ll tell you.
Me: Why did I say something?
I turn and look.
Other guy on the spectrum: No you’re good don’t worry.
Then, after my dad returns to the car, then after driving to and arriving at the correct building.., While both moving a box.., I start to shake it to try moving it across the carpet faster..,
Other guy on the spectrum: You don’t need to shake it!
Then, when the other guy “on the spectrum” (my dad’s significant other’s son) are looking around to see where stuff is located and with what to start doing, I help them move the boxes of desks to lean against the wall and then while my dad and the guy move another one I’m then told..,
Other guy on the spectrum: Zach, please move!
Then I move without saying anything, and then I decided to say..,
Me: You know you can say “excuse me”!?
Me: I’m just being real.
Dad: Zach he meant it in good spirits!
Me: No he didn’t!
I look at the other guy, he appears to roll his eyes as he apologizes..,
Other guy on the spectrum: Sorry.
Me: No you’re not!
Dad: Zach stop!!
And then later on while me and my dad are assembling office chairs in one room while my dad’s significant other’s son assembles a desk in a different room, I bring it up..,
Me: You know I try to be a nice guy and that just wasn’t cool..
Dad: You make valid points Zach but I just want to focus on this okay??
Me: Well I’m just—
Dad: Zach! Let’s just get this done please!?
I message one guy I know yet don’t really see, regarding the falling out with that other “friend”.., He reminds me to not keep going back to the guy I sent the voice message to.., and I’m like “the guy is my only friend”.., and he understands.., and he reminds me that even though he understands my frustration it’s best I don’t keep reaching out to the guy after I (at least once) said (or clearly implied that) I wanted him “out of my life”.., and I understand.., and well we message then I message my sister and my dad is like..,
Dad: Zach get off your phone!
Me: Yeah well I’m just upset about—
Dad: Zach you can’t let this take on a life of its own!
Me: We can work and vent at the same time!
Me: I let you vent!!
Dad: Zach, let’s talk about it later. I’m just tryna focus on this.
So we keep assembling office chairs for my dad’s new significant other’s company..,
And then later while on a break I try to “break the ice”.. (or reduce the tension/mean energy(?)), by asking..,
Me: How ya doing?
And he ignores me.., then I say his name to regard my question, then without making eye contact he says..,
Other guy on the spectrum: Good.
Me: We gotta have good spirit right?
He keeps looking down and remaining emotionally distant from me..,
Other guy on the spectrum: Yes..
I then return to working..,
Me: You guys are both assholes I’m calling mom!
Dad: Oh so you’re gonna leave me in the loo?
Me: Are you serious right now?
Dad: Zach, I’m counting on you. Please stop with this!
Me: Yeah well after what just happened you won’t let me vent and when I feel that my emotional needs aren’t being met and therefore want to leave due to you just making me feel worse by criticizing me instead of empathizing with me while we work you say I’m “leaving you ‘in the loo’”!!? Well if it’s gonna be like that then maybe I just will “leave you in the loo”.. I’m calling mom.
Dad: Zach! I don’t wanna be here till 4 in the morning!
Me: You think it’ll take you that long!!? We’re only doing 18 chairs today!?
Dad: Well I need your help!
Then later on.. And throughout the day, the plans on what to build slightly change as two (of the twelve (if I remember correctly(?)) desks get built and some chairs are left in boxes to be assembled for the next day..,
Me: Man I’m just like what’s his deal!?
Dad: Zach! Water under the bridge!
Me: Look I treat people with respect.
Dad: Zach! I’m trying to finish this so we can get home!
Me: Well I don’t mind staying and working on this.
My dad doesn’t say anything..,
Me: You know? The less we stress ourselves out, the less inwardly inhibited or weighed down we are in order to work faster. And if we don’t rush and if we instead take it slow we’re less likely to make as many mistakes.
Me: And just so you know, if you did empathize with me, that’ll make me feel better and work better, so it’s all about morale!
My dad doesn’t say anything..,
Me: You seriously think you’re going to be here until 4am if I leave?
Dad: Zach I was just being dramatic..
Me: Sounds like double standards.. And well, I’m cutting off my only friend because if I treated him the way he treated me he wouldn’t like it.
Dad: That’s it I’m calling your mom.
Me: So you’re choosing to leave yourself, as you said, “in the loo”. Well keep in mind I’m willing to stick around but I’m going to be myself.
My dad decides to message my mom telling her how my day is going..
He then gets a call..
Dad: Hi hello?
He listens to the person on the phone..,
Dad: What was the request?
He listens to the person on the phone..,
Dad: Okay got it.
Eventually he hangs up.
Me: Who was that, mom?
Dad: No it was Verizon.
We keep working..,
Me: Where’d that bag of screws go?
Dad: Don’t know.
Me: Oh I see them..,
I keep assembling..,
Me: Man screw him.
Dad: Zach I don’t like that you’re not letting this go!
Me: And I don’t like that you’re angrily dismissing what I feel a need to get off my chest!
Dad: Yes Zach I know, but can you please honor my request to talk about this later?
Me: Yes.. and it just goes to show that us “on the spectrum” don’t like each other any more than the “neurotypicals”.. Not you.. but others want to pair us together and I’m like they need to get their heads OUT of their ass!
My dad keeps working on the chair assembling and I continue..
Dad: Shit!! I put the armrests backwards now I gotta unscrew everything! Fuck! God fucking dammit!
Me: All good.
Me: And you see, I didn’t use it against you.
Me: Oh and the people I worked for would have used that against me..
Me: There’s a bunch of fucks out there just trying to shut me down! But I have to remember I’m a free MAN!
Dad: Okay Zach..
Then later after working awhile..
Me: Ya know..? I try to open up to people.. I try to be a nice guy.. and I just don’t like what happened.
Dad: Zach you have to give people more chances! You can’t just give up on people that easily!
Me: I’m not “giving up” on the guy! I’m just upset about what happened!
Dad: Zach I’m not talking with you about this! Let’s stay focused please!
Later on, another worker arrives who my dad talks to and who then tells me some of his stuff pertaining to his interactions with an office manager..,
Other worker: I met all his other requests and the guy is now complaining about a ceiling tile and I’m like “what else are you gonna complain about!?”
Me: Yeah I know, people and their egos.
Other worker: I’m just like “come on man!!”
Me: Yeah I feel like the ego always has something new to complain about.
Other worker: I’m going to tell him that the other office was nicer and he should’ve decided to choose that one.
Me: Yeah, you can be like “well this was your choice”.
Other worker: Pretty much.
The other worker heads away to come back another time.. As he walks down the stairs he says bye to me and my dad while the other guy (on the spectrum) remains quiet in the other room assembling an office desk..
Other worker: Have a nice day guys!
Dad: Thanks, same to you!
Me: Thanks man you too!
And then later on while having another break, I then told my dad’s partner’s significant other that I’m “also on the spectrum”.. And okay I’ll just write it in the play dialogue form without the part of me saying his name to keep it somewhat anonymous.. Or should I just give him a name like “Bob?”.. Okay I won’t but just thought I’d regard the possibility.. So I was like “Hey ….” (name remains anonymous) and (although I don’t exactly remember) he might’ve quietly said “what’s up?” or said nothing at all. Then it was quiet for a few seconds, and then I asked if I could tell him something, then (I think) he was like “sure” if I accurately remember(?), so yes, as for making this in a play (or theatrical(?)) dialogue form it went like..,
Me: So you know I’m also on the spectrum?
Other guy on the spectrum: You mean ASD?
(AKA: “Autistic spectrum ‘disorder’”)
Then he (seemingly to me(?)) tried to dismiss the conversation..,
Other guy on the spectrum: I just want to get this done.
Me: Well I just wanted to tell you.
Other guy on the spectrum: Okay.
Me: Aren’t you also “on the spectrum”?
Even though (as I mentioned in the beginning) I already know he is due to my dad telling me, yet I just tried to once again make conversation..
Other guy on the spectrum: I guess..? I kinda think everyone has it though.
And then he walked downstairs to meet up with my dad..
And then I felt dismissed..
Yes I was quite pissed..
I guess we’re all “on the spectrum” to some degree,
So I give him credit for saying that..,
Am I plagiarizing?
I don’t know..(?),
And well I’m pretty sure I had the same thought before..(?),
I gave him credit (for those who care)..,
I just wish more people were more often NICER..,
I feel we can all be labeled,
And just because two people have the same label,
Does NOT mean they’ll be any more friendly NOR compatible..,
And yes I do NOT want to make my dad,
Yet as for today,
(And to start and/or keep rhyming (again or) more),
I was just mad,
(And well, in my posts such as “Words Can’t Describe” and “Happy Holidays”, well, I share some positive stuff of his..),
And I do NOT mean to make my dad’s new significant other’s son look bad either,
I just feel bad that as of now we don’t like each other..,
And on top of this I lost the only friend I recently been seeing..,
As time went on,
So did my dad’s stress level..,
(If me saying that makes sense and/or is appropriate(?)),
Dad: Fuck this fucking shit!
Me: You alright?
Dad: This is just fucking annoying!
And later on while he was in the hallway..,
Me: You alright?
Dad: No! I’m exhausted..
And then later on while my dad was in another room assembling desks with his significant other’s son, and while hearing a banging noise..,
Other guy on the spectrum: Are you alright!?
Then I rush down the hall through the common area to the room.
Me: What happened!?
Other guy on the spectrum: Everything’s fine.
And eventually my dad had to take a break because his left hand cramped up..,
(I wonder if it was dehydration(?) but I didn’t ask and (of course) that’s not what this is mostly about (although his well-being is ALSO important (just to point it out))..),
Me: You good?
Dad: My hand is cramped. I have to wait a few minutes until I can move it again.
Me: Have you considered stretching it?
Dad: No but that might not be a bad idea..?
Me: Okay, yeah I would say do that before though.
He remained seated there..,
And at some point on another break while my dad’s significant other’s son was remaining distant from me, I also said..,
Me: I just don’t like people wanting to avoid me.
Dad: I know he could have said it differently but I don’t think he meant it like that.
Me: I’m not sure to be honest. And it’s not only him. Whether they’re “on the spectrum” or not, there’s so many others who just don’t like me. I would say if I were to somehow interact with everyone, a majority of the human population wouldn’t like me, maybe 99 percent..? Who knows..? Yet it’s just, I try to be so respectful and people just end up not liking me.. It’s just so fucking frustrating.. And after all that previous rejection, and instead of empathizing with my struggles, the only other person who’d come to hang out with me ended up telling me that I “make people not want to be around me”. And even though there was more to the context.. I’m like how about a less hurtful choice of words!? Huhh.. People just piss me off man!!
Dad: I know..
And later on towards the end of the day, while the son of my dad’s significant other was politely talking and joking with my dad while COMPLETELY ignoring me while I was right there with them, and when my dad’s significant other’s son walked into another room, I said:
Me: You know? I try so hard to be a kind and peaceful guy, and I just don’t want to have to resort to violence.
Me: Man I’m just being expressive.
Dad: Zach it stresses me out when you get like this.
Then I looked him in the eye, and I honestly said that..
Me: And you know what?
Me: You know what!?
Dad: What Zach??
Me: It stresses me out TOO.
Then he sighed and said.
Dad: I know.
When I shared my decision regarding NOT working the next day (so therefore deciding) to NOT help them complete assembling the chairs and desks,
My dad said not to worry,
and even though my sister initially (through a text message) said it could be an “opportunity” to work with someone I don’t like..,
which I understand,
Yet luckily she also understood my points about NOT putting myself in “harms way” unless it was actually necessary such as needing to keep a job to feed kids (which I of course do NOT have and of course is NOT the case with me)..,
So in order to properly develop myself,
I’m going to AVOID what I do NOT feel ready for..,
And my sister did point out,
How I “talk about compassion”,
And I decided to mention,
That I feel,
It’s a “step by step process”,
And that I have to “let go of the hurt” of what someone did to me BEFORE I cultivate compassion to them,
Which just may (although not necessarily) yet CAN include venting (when appropriate) as a first step..(?),
Not all of the dialogue may have been “exactly” how it went down,
The narration format (also) changes and/or does NOT remain consistent (evidently)..,
I’d say you get the idea of my experience(?),
Thanks as always for reading this,
And as for how whoever may react to reading this..,
I write what I feel a need to,
Regardless of how whichever others think and respond..,
I try to write and share what I feel a need to..,
And I guess I can NOT (as I heard Kermit the frog say pretty much(?)) rhyme “all the time”..(?),
And I guess there’s always something additional and deeper that could be included..(?),
No matter how much and how deeply what it is I included(?),
I’ll also say again,
Like my dad’s new significant other’s son said(?),
I feel that in some way,
When it comes down to it,
We’re all somehow,
“On the ‘spectrum’”,
Or on “a ‘spectrum’”,
And thanks again,
And as always,