Building Community

Before I get into it,
I want to say that,
Even though I may regret how I word stuff in certain ways,
Even though I may regret,
In whatever ways,
Writing I made public in whatever ways..,
Well..,
Just thought I’d say,
I hope this is in some way relatable,
Understandable,
I try speaking deeply yet (I guess(?)) in general,
And I do NOT intend to get divisively political,
And I do NOT intend to say stuff that creates and/or exacerbates a damaging effect,
Such as increasing the likelihood of others becoming more destructively emotional..(?),
(If (and only if) it’s ever a possibility..(?)),
And I hope what I just said there is logical..(?),
Even if what I share does not read well (such as) however figurative and/or literal..,
Well,
My intentions are to try to be helpful,

And well,
Others may (as they say) “nitpick”,
Other egos may nefariously scrutinize,
Other egos may dig deep to capitalize,
On my imperfections,
By making me feel bad,
So they can feel “superior”..,
?
And well,
As for building a community,
I feel I must remain as SAFE as I can,
I feel I must respond as properly as I can (if I can NOT avoid it),
I feel I must be as consciously aware as I can,
To find,
To build,
To add to,
The (as they say(?)) “conscious community”,
That’ll,
Most profoundly,
Support me,

Whatever I may be doing,
With whoever else in the community,
Well,
I wish for helpful energy..,
For myself among all of the community..,

I additionally feel:

If I do NOT find the right tools,
To build a steady community..?
Well..,
What will the effects MORE likely be?
And when will time likely catch up to me?

Does being around those who just give me advice and criticism (without showing me how)..,
Help me,
Build inner peace and equanimity?

As for me..,
Is feeling alone in inner peace development work,
Really going to work?

Is feeling a need,
To fake positivity,
To suppress what I feel a need to express,
Going to one day,
Cause me to emotionally explode violently?
Causing destruction to the community?
And myself,
Especially?

I feel,
It’s felt hard,
Feeling stuck in,
While not trusting the mainstream,
NOR several “better” alternatives..,

Instead of finding peace in the present..,
I often worry,
I may get more vulnerable,
Desperate and delusional,
Then sign up for something that goes against EVERYTHING my parents taught me,

Then the authority I signed for,
May then show up at the door,
And force me away,
??
..,
And that’ll be it,
And I’ll have to let go,
Of all I been through,
To make it somewhere else..,
..,
And I just may wonder here and there,
If and when,
I’ll ever again,
Manifest as a human(?),

I feel,
I’ll really,
Must have to let go,
So I do NOT add inner painful resistance,
To the inevitable present experience,
Of them forcing me to survive until I die in training or as a fully developed killing machine..,

Oh having more ethical peaceful power is something I dream..,
Yet..,
The reality..,
Just presently seems to be,
That I’m struggling to build community,
That feels truest to me,
That feels satisfyingly in alignment with what I often see,
As my integrity,

Huhh..,
I feel,
I need more and more safety and survival focus,
To build,
To find,
Deeper and deeper,
The community,
That most deeply,
Serves me,
In this present manifestation I’m in,

Ohhh..,
I feel,
It just RARELY feels to come,
Fairly,
easy,

It’s felt hard excessively,
And of course,
I feel I must remind myself,
Once again,
And again after that,
That,
Wherever I’m at,
Externally..,
I can still,
Develop my search,
For at least,
Some peace,
Within me