More Toxic Snowball Effects

I’m feeling distracted..,
So even if there’s typos and/or whatever I didn’t mean to say..,
Just thought I’d post this:

I perpetually fail at conforming,
I perpetually wind up back in isolation,
While isolated in my efforts..,
I perpetually struggle then get discouraged at properly meditating,
Then my inner pain begins worsening,
Causing my desire for more self-medicating increasing..,

Ohhh it’s so hard for me,
To be chill internally,
In a way that’s healthy,
Without developing a damaging dependency,
On some external entity,
Such as a prescribed or recreational medication,
Why can’t I just chill,
In my natural state and situation!!?
Why does my mind,
Always have to get me deeper and deeper in inner pain!!?
I just wish to chill..,

So then,
I medicate my emotions in a more relaxed direction,
When I sober up,
They eventually swing back even harder in another direction,
Causing deeper sadness among any more painful emotions that are deeper and more painful than the previous time I was sober,
Causing a greater desire to self-medicate into that peaceful state even harder,
Causing a greater and greater emotional dependency,
A shorter and shorter life expectancy,

And well,
I just wish that others would more often include me,
I wish being chill while sober came far easier,

I wish inner peaceful cultivation,
To block out that brutal inner tension,
More easily went,
In a far more self-beneficial direction,

If I stay STRONG and clear the tension,
I just may increase my life expectancy..(?),
Yet I happen to fail repeatedly..,

And well,
I just hope I sustain NEEDED inner development,
Such as for a longer and more meaningful survival,
So of course..,
I hope finding inner peace in a healthy developmental way,
Becomes more,
And more,

I just NEED doing what’s practical,
To feel less painful,
I hope to let go more and more of my past,
Clear and avoid more and more worsening painful feelings,
Including bad memories with others that have been festering,
Including healing whatever has been inwardly exacerbating,
And as for the figure(s) of speech(?),
Hopefully the toxic snowball(s) will STOP growing and START melting..,

Speaking for myself especially..,
Inner peace,
Or however I see fit,
To meet foundational survival needs such as conscious awareness inner development,
Must remain as one of my deepest,
Most important,
Sufficiently consistent,


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