Instead of Being Trapped in my Head

I feel I must,
Get better at socially connecting,
In a healthy way,
Without harmful medication..,
Okay here’s what I additionally have to say:

If I don’t catch the conversation wave,
I won’t be brought to a shore of deeper social connection,
And if I miss too many,
If I don’t know how to catch a wave,
To become socially on the same wavelength..,
I may be left stranded out at sea on my surfboard..,
Or whatever is the best figure of speech..(??),


A wave of irritation and insults may topple me over,
Others may act mean,
To try to get a power trip,
To try to make me hate them so I don’t want to be around them and/or so they’ll get a sense of power over me..(??),
And as for these figures of speech,
They may start to splash after I said “stop”,
They may try to push me over,
They may try to keep me under the water..,

And therefore I’ll try to conform by surfing with them..,
Okay I won’t use this metaphor anymore just for this stanza..,
Essentially (I feel)..,
Sometimes conforming is worse than isolation..,
Of course I prefer neither..,
And well,
It depends on the type of conforming and isolation..,
Yet well..,
I’ll conform out of a fear of isolation,
Yet end up finding myself in an equally bad (if not worse) situation,
And the alternatives may be just as bad..,
If not worse..(?),

So yeah,
(As for the surfing figures of speech),
I’ll be out at sea,
Trying to surf to participate socially..,
And they’ll be drowning me..,
Or just making it no better,
If not worse for me..,

They won’t let me come to the surface,
And when I try to join them on their surface level ways,
They’ll exclude and shut me down in whichever other ways..,

Even when I find a way to somewhat balance myself,
Other insecure egos might sense an imbalance,
So they may try to push me over,
So they can feel a high sense of power?
Such as by feeling as..,
As in this figurative context..,
The “better” surfer..(?),

I’m not even sure if I painted a clear enough picture..(?),
Yet as for most of them,
Learning comes easier,
They’ll see the big picture instantly clearer,

And many may use it to their advantage..(?),
Instead of giving be a hand they’ll try to push me down,
They’ll try to make me drown,
Because the developed ego culture still surrounds..,
And suits them so much better..,
And as for me they’re like “whatever”..,

And even if some egos miss an opportunity,
To use my struggles against me,
Another wave will come,
To topple me,

I’ll never catch a wave,
And they’ll be like,
“You gotta do it like this”,
And they’ll take off on the wavelength with their friends..,
And those who may try to teach me,
May end up getting sick of me,
After all the criticism they give me,

Even they may tell me “how”,
Yet they will NOT address WHY I’m struggling the way I am,
So they still won’t teach me,
What I needed to learn,
Such as how to relax,
And go with it initially,

And well,
I may keep on failing,
And drowning in memories of failures and criticism..?
And get sucked into whirlpools of overthinking and discouragement..,
Such as always getting too anxious,
And therefore engaging in damaging self-limiting behavior due to thinking I’ll “always be too anxious”,
Or I’ll always be “too much” of whatever for being able to do whatever..,

Yet instead,
Of getting to stuck in my head,
I can dive deep,
And find the inner strength in me,
And emerge as king of the ocean,

INSTEAD of just giving up in submission,

Damn right,
F*ck all them who want to hold me back,
I just feel I must remember,
The inner warrior,
May always,

Come back

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