Deeper Beingness under Cruelness

I guess(?) to always remind myself when needed,
I’ll title this,
“Deeper beingness under Cruelness”,

Similar to how I talked about in my last post titled:
“Another opportunity to take stuff LESS personally”,
I feel,
I must always remind myself,
That under any degree of cruelness,
Is deeper beingness,
And if I know while staying in touch with that deeper inner awareness,
I just may(?),
Feel less inner pain,

I’ll add how I feel,
That unfortunately,
I still immensely struggle with,

To keep this as anonymous as possible so anyone I may know who reads this and assumes I’m referring to them,
Does not as a result become harmfully confrontational..(?),
To be real,
I often feel:
I’m told (well I was at least once told..) that I get treated “the same way” as everyone else by the same people,
Yet I’ve made repeatedly clear,
Of how those who act nice to others,
I often feel,
Act mean to me,

And yeah,
Not getting emotionally derailed by the unfair energy,
Ain’t often easy,
Including when certain friends gaslight me when I express frustration of what I clearly feel as the reality,
Of me getting treated unfairly,
More frequently..,

They may be like..(?),
“What are you talking about!?”
“You blow it way out of proportion”..,
And even if this is not always exactly what they’ll say,
I think the point is clear,
Such as that,
Many challenge me,
Instead of emotionally being there..,

And yeah,
As I definitely posted about,
Even the slightest meanness,
Can trigger lots of worse memories in me,
Such as..,
Plenty of times I was bullied and did NOT stand up for myself,

So if I respond with similar energy,
To even a much more minor incident that happens to trigger me,
I’m criticized,
For “escalating the situation”,
Like a time when working for a home good store,
When a box fell over,
And a guy (who was a customer) was like,
“What the fuck!!?”
Then (later on) the woman accompanying him was like,
“What happened?”
And he was aggressively like,
“He just pushed it over!”
When it just happened to fall over (due to hitting a piece of metal at the bottom of the door frame..),
Then me,
Him, the woman accompanying him, and my coworker unpackaged it..,
Then while realizing there was nothing wrong with what he and the woman were trying to buy,
I’m like,
“Ya know I didn’t like how you cursed at me?”,
And he was like,
“Don’t get smart”,
Even though it was clear I was advocating for my right to be respected..,
And later on I was like,
“I don’t see how me saying ‘I wish you didn’t curse at me’ is getting ‘smart with you’?”,
And instead of briefly politely empathizing with my frustration,
The woman accompanying the man exclaimed to me by saying,
“Shut up!! Don’t bring it up again! You’re going to make it worse!!”
So yeah..,
There’s been so many instances that I won’t get into,
Yet the point is,
Many people’s insecure egos have no regard for THEIR part in the situation,
They just instead,
(To feel more secure about themselves),
Completely disregard their part in it,
And instead prefer to focus on,
How I “handled it”,
Even though I completely was NOT the cause of it..,

Such as all the times I have got bullied disproportionately,
And well,
As for one small example,
Instead of being invited into the conversation,
I get judged,
Such as..,
For being quiet,

Such as,
While struggling to feel and get included in the conversation,
Instead of politely WELCOMING me into the conversation such as by asking “how’s it going man?”
One guy while politely talking to my friends was like,
“He doesn’t talk too much, does he?”
So (in addition to other times others indicated how quiet I was (such as at two parties (yet I’ll try giving them the “BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT” (such as one being the sister of a friend/social function acquaintance from college, and the other time being my dad’s friend/former colleague (who hosted his house at the lake party)..)))) that just happened to trigger,
Times on the bus in sixth grade when a girl who’d talk mad shit to most who chose to talk made fun of me for being quiet..,
So yeah,
People would (especially then) verbally hurt me for what I tried to say and would be mean to me for not saying anything..,
So yeah,
When that guy in his early 50s (as he told us) at the bar,
Made fun of me for being quiet,
While I was with my friends VISITING me in my HOMETOWN..,
I’m like to myself..,
“Are you kidding me!?”
So therefore,
I gave him a nasty stare,
And then my friend gave me a nasty stare for giving the other guy a nasty stare WITHOUT acknowledging that I just got insulted..,
And (of course) I was the one who LIVED in that town and out of me and my two other friends visiting the town..,
Oh yes..,
Even though I just got insulted,
My friend got mad at me for being socially negative..,
Giving him another reason to one day say I “make people not want to be around me..”,
So yes..,
Instead of considerately acknowledging my frustration like a real friend would,
I got criticized through a mean stare due to not keeping a positive vibe right after being insulted in a way that triggered painful memories in addition to NOT compassionately helping welcome me in my HOMETOWN!!
And yeah..,
When I gave the man the stare he said “I don’t mean it personally”,
YET it just did NOT seem that way to me..,
So yeah,
I think he just said that because I just did NOT take it lightly,
And well,
He went on politely chatting with my friends WITHOUT including me..,
Just as he initially,
Never planned to..,

And well to include another example..,
And yes I’ll still try keeping this reasonably anonymous..,
Although I just can NOT promise this..,
At a ski resort when buying gloves,
When I was innocently standing at the counter,
The woman at the register rudely instructed me by essentially saying,
“Don’t go anywhere!”,
And politely smiled and laughed to my friend essentially while kindly asking “Oh you’re paying?”
(the same friend who looked at me nasty in response to me looking at that other guy nasty who said that mean thing to me..)
(And I paid my friend through Venmo later (when able to) anyway..),
Yet the energy many others give me I feel to be a lot LESS friendly as compared to what many others seemingly often receive EVIDENTLY,
Yet I’m told (and I happen to assume that others assume that) I’m “treated equally”,
The way(s) in which I struggle..,
I feel that many just do NOT see..,
(Yet I appreciate my mom’s friend empathizing and/or indicating (during a Broadway intermission) that YES it is hard feeling that many others COMPLETELY do NOT see the pain I inwardly carry frequently so SHOUT OUT and THANK YOU SO MUCH (person I know) for that and the Harry Potter broadway tickets (if you’re reading this), and THANK YOU to any of you for continuing reading this 🙏🙏 (and ohh yes.., (of course) without intending to spoil “Harry Potter and the Cursed Child” I just want to say that there’s just been some other stuff I witnessed in the city that day that I have not yet posted about (aside from that lady who literally ran into my mom in my post titled “Deeper Part(s) of Me”).. (yet maybe I will post that other stuff someday..? Yet regardless, I hope to appreciate what I have posted already.., ANYWAY..)),
And as for strangers (or whoever) I don’t feel I ask for much,
Except to work on kind inner energy,
That may just help them be more at peace internally,
In addition..,
To ME..,

And well,
As for those who feel I’m always “treated equally”,
Including those who will cruelly bluntly tell me what they see as the “reality”..,
I see it differently,
And yes,
I try NOT getting offended..,
Yet sometimes I try suppressing it,
Then I feel it weighing in me,
I feel it perpetually depleting strength in me,

And yeah,
As for my friend who gave me the nasty look,
(In response to me giving the other guy a nasty look for making fun of me for being quiet..),
And as for that “friend” saying..,
“People treat me the same way they treat everyone else”,
Yeah I feel for most people,

And I know that friend of mine is not always perfect,
I know it’s best not to escalate a situation,
Yet I’m like..,
Instead of getting mad,
At me for being mad at others who SOCIALLY mistreat me..,
How about at least some empathy!?

And my friend went on politely chatting with that guy who made fun of me for being quiet (since (the guy at the bar) kinda had fun laughing when judgmentally indicating how I’m “quiet”..),
And when the guy left,
He said “bye” to two of my friends WITHOUT acknowledging me,
Yet my friend blamed ME for my “general” negativity..,
Without regarding the CLEAR fact that my social negativity was,
In response to others being mean to me,
In response to others having EXCLUSIVE energy towards me,
Like that incident,
And yes..,

I just carry a lot with me,
I’m just criticized repeatedly,
I can use some empathy,
And yeah,
Seeing other’s deeper kind beingness,
Underneath their cruel dominant unconsciousness,
To me,
It just,
Does NOT,
Come easy..,

And I hope my friend does NOT read this,
And well if he does I..,
Hope he understands that this was NOT nearly like my other post called “Separate Ways” which I removed..,
I hope he keeps his commitment of NEVER hacking my blog..,
Because I’ll just once again might LIKELY be criticized for “how I handled it”,
Such as writing and sharing WHAT I FEEL A NEED TO SHARE..,
I need to find more friends who are sufficiently there,

And yeah he has,
Like I said in my post “Someone who has been There”,
I just need to share here and there what makes me upset,
And I hope it is CLEAR to my friend (if he reads this),
Even though I may wish certain stuff would be different..,
That truthfully,
He’s been WAY better than so many others towards me,

And I’ll just go on to share (and (of course) revise..),
What I,
Initially wrote here:

Aside from all my examples of mistreatment,
I’ll get laughed at,
Called names,
Given nasty looks,

People will have fun amongst others,
While excluding me,
So no,
I feel I often get treated WORSE,
NOT equally,

And with my struggles to let go of what I carry with me,
Such as,
My exacerbated emotional hypersensitivity (due to getting bullied),
My exacerbated struggles with autism,
Then sleep deprivation and going (to varying degrees) “over the edge”,

Then instead of being there for me,
Certain people criticize me for my behavior..,
And I’m like..?
Are these “friends”?

Do friends empathize and help me grow?
Or do friends (as they say) “kick me when I’m down”?
Such as saying it’s “all my fault”,
Among whatever other criticism..?
So yeah,
I hope to find more REAL and more LIKE-MINDED friends who stick around..,

Of course friends must NOT “kick me when I’m down”,
Of course friends must show each other empathy,
And well..,
Due to how I view the mainstream mentality,
As for people who I would trust to act friendly to me,
There just does NOT feel to be many..,

Yet of course,
Since I can NOT change (what I feel to be) the dominant toxic EXTERNAL reality,
As always,
I’ll just keep trying to consistently do my best,
To find,
To sustain,
Step by step,
More and more,
Within me,

And even though it may be VERY hard,
And RARELY easy,
I’ll just keep (as they say),
“Hanging in there”,

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s