It Just Got to Me

Okay so I’m determined to keep this new job..,
And since getting treated like shit I felt will just be,
An INEVITABLY..,
I (of course) on my first day (that I spent the first part of being trained) got triggered by something relatively minor,
And after my first shift,
While (of course) mainly focusing on driving home in my mom’s car,
And after..,
There was a background voice that was like..,
“I’m NOT gonna let this get to me!”
..,
“I’m NOT gonna let this get to me!”
..,
And well..,
I guess(?) because thinking did NOT help me find inner peace..,
It just got to me..,
And that just may be a reason why I’m writing about this..(?),
..,
Yet I also hope to (in general) share what (if anything) I may have been reminded of due to any experience(s)..,
Such as any lesson(s) I feel as important,
?

Sometimes..,
As the difficult experience occurs and/or afterwards..,
The most minute instance(s) of disrespect triggers pain from my past that I struggle to let go of..,
Or the minute instance ends up being the “straw that breaks my back”..,
So yeah..,
Finding,
And sufficiently sustaining the inner peace I need to succeed..,
Has just been so hard..,
And well..,
At least I’m using my remaining sensitivity,
To share what I feel others and myself may just need to remember..(?),

So yes,
Instead of my inner sensitivity emotionally derailing me,
I hope to use it properly,
Such as sharing what I learned,
That may just help me..(?),
Such as using inner sensitive awareness,
For..,
Building stronger inner peacefulness,

And although this instance on my first day was NOT that bad,
Well..,
As for OTHER past instances where the customers have been VERY disrespectful..,
My ego often wishes it could have arrested them..,
Yet (for example) even if I could arrest those who are verbally nasty towards me..,
Will more of that negative ego energy..,
Help me attain more inner peace that’ll give me the strength to be,
As clear and strong as my present ability allows me?
Especially for whenever that may be quite NECESSARY..(?),

Okay so..,

This random woman asks about something that’s usually “on sale”,
I tell her it’s my first day,
She politely says,
“Good luck”,
Then while offering to get a coworker,
And then while returning the woman then says,
Referring to me,
“Oh it’s the guy who didn’t know!”

And I’m like..,
Damn..,

I go out of my way to bring someone back to help her out,
And she all of a sudden insults me while knowing it was my first day..,

And later on I ask the lady,
“Were they able to help you?”,
She responds by essentially saying “yes”,
And assuming she forgot that I helped her by getting someone else to help her..,
I’m like..,
“Oh because I got that person to help you out that’s why”..,
And she looks at me as if I’m crazy and insincerely says,
“Thank you”..,

And (at some point) I was like too myself..,
Well..,
F*CK YOU!!

And well..,
For obvious reasons such as remaining peaceful and civilized.. and that I NEED a job..,
I just had to be polite,
And unfortunately,
Even though this was such a minor instance,
Well..,
It just still stuck with me,
And maybe just,
“Blew itself out of proportion” within me..,

Yeah..,
I would guess that..(?),
This MOST LIKELY if not worse,
May very likely still occur EVEN in FAR less hectic retail environments than that other place I quit working at TWICE (Costco)..,
And well..,
I’m back at the struggle of NOT letting others’ bad energy derail me,

I just hope I can remain in alignment with my integrity..,
In this case,
By staying strong and keeping a job,
Even if others do NOT fairly reciprocate the respect I give them,
Even if many (if not all) are (or become) straight up NASTY..,
I’ll just keep trying to find and remain with any level of peace within me,
..,
And ohh it has NOT been NOR remains easy..,

Even if I just hate the job,
Even if I’m having OCD juggling goals..,
I feel I still MUST play my part to at least try to help make organized society NOT fall apart NOR become worse than it is..,
Well..,
I need,
A job,

And too keep that job,
And do my part with helping the work run easier,
I’d say..,
I really need more inner peace,
And I hope to just keep trying,
To let go of more and more of (what I often consider as) my painful past,
And I (of course) hope to NOT get emotionally triggered then derailed as easily,

And I hope for it to one day,
Feel easy