Behind Closed Doors

I presently feel that:

My emotional hyper-reactive reaction(s) to what others did to me behind closed doors is what’s uncontrollably publicly displayed,
The pain just builds,
Then builds and erupts again and again,
Ohh how I thought they would be the group of friends they said they’d be,
I thought they’d be the first group that I’d deeply connect with,
And I thought the emotional chemical connection would give me light in my darkest of times to come,
I realized it was NOT what I initially saw it to be,
And what they done to me,
Is now eradicated,
Undocumented history,

To figuratively/literally continue:

All the proof got burned and was said to have “never happened”,
Ohh they had us turn off our phones and “pay attention”,
It’s now too late to report it,
And at the time I was too frightened to speak up about it,
I just was NOT as confident,
And if I tried to advocate,
They would’ve judged me as a “snitch”,
And tortured me as a witch,
And my ashes would’ve went back to the life energy they came from,
While they would have pursued their careers,
Took their medication and chugged their beers,

Okay and to slightly change the subject(?) I’ll add that:

It’s just that I feel that,
What they AND so many OTHERS did,
Had a different effect on me,
And I can NOT relate any more to those autistically labeled “like me”,
How will there be any deeper connection with those who ALSO struggle with social connection!!?
And I tried that,
I been there and ALSO tried that,

Too many will just,
NOT listen,

For whatever of their personal valid reasons,
They will not listen,

And I feel,
I just have to find peace with the fact that,
I tried so much of it,
So many,
Will NEVER empathetically understand it..,

They’ll assume the mainstream stereotype that I was born with “zero empathy”,
As they go on without me,

(Personal side note: I just can NOT perfectly capture my inhalations, exhalations NOR whichever natural/body sensations NOR word them “precisely”),

I just,
Feel I just..,
So much of it,
And so many others,
Will perpetually NOT believe me,

And so many out of touch unconscious egos,
Just will pass,
Endless convenient judgment,

They’ll force control over me,
And have me keep my mouth shut,
As it so often has been,
Throughout my history,

So I’ll once again,
Have to try inwardly clearing that past inner pain of being a victim,
I’ll have to just accept,
That I can NOT change the system,
That’s been passed down to me,

That started,
Devolved and got corrupted,

I just feel all I can find,
Is the inner roots,
To finding more peace,
While I let be,
All I can not change,
That surrounds me

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