When I repeatedly fail at controlling my impulses,
My inner discouragement lets my impulses do what they want to me (or what they want WITH me),
When my inner emotional reactivity clouds my awareness for clear/good decision making,
I (therefore) can NOT make as clear NOR as good of a choice/decision,
Sometimes (if not often) without me being aware of it,
The inner emotional reactivity takes over me..,
(Source: Eckhart Tolle, “The Choice to be Present”, September 13th, 2022, YouTube, https://youtu.be/URGhPYOEwv4),
Huhh,
..,
Survival of the fittest mentality has NOT felt sufficiently fit for me,
Yet the brutal energy surrounds and provokes me,
..,
The unaware mean energy I receive and perceive immensely triggers a very hard to control inner emotional reaction within me..,
..,
I feel I can get emotionally triggered then emotionally derailed quite easily,
Giving the insecure egos around me a “reason” to diagnose me as (however implicitly or explicitly) “crazy”,
Huhh..,
I feel they always want continual control over me..,
..,
It seems to me,
It’s just the unconscious perpetuating mentality..?
And well,
Sometimes I feel I see stuff too differently,
Causing me to fear excessively,
And that will inevitably end up making me become too in my head,
Too emotionally/socially/cognitively disconnected,
And therefore delusional,
..,
Hence,
In addition to my innate behavioral response (to my environment) tendencies that shaped my character over time (such as getting bullied exacerbating an innate tendency to get more anxious than typical),
Well,
Being labeled and/or having certain conditions that are said to make stuff harder than typical,
For me,
Remains a damn struggle,
And well,
If too many do NOT know how to clear inner toxic building emotions,
I guess too many will then suppress them..?
And if the suppressed inner building toxic forces become hatred of an “us” versus “them” dynamic,
Then well,
Looks like there will be another war..?
..,
Hence the unconscious pain unconsciously feeds off of itself however individually and/or collectively..,
However inclusively and/or brutally exclusively,
And since I’ve been born with a tendency to respond to emotionally provocative experiences with greater than typical emotional reactions or emotional “hyperreactivity”,
Suppressing my emotions has NOT felt to be a suitable path for me,
Hence,
I instead felt a survival need,
To try,
To clearly look deeply,
..,
Because if I lose too much control of my innately overly-reactive emotions,
Who knows what any powerful unconscious/uncompassionate insatiably egoistic authority may do to me..?
..,
Ohh I hope that NEVER becomes a court ordered reality..(for example),
..,
So the more inwardly balanced I remain,
The more externally I’ll appear (and literally function) as balanced and sane,
And of course,
I hope to find the inner peace WITHOUT any internal imbalancing deadly side-effects,
..,
I of course hope for LESS excessive pain,
And NOT an exchange of types of pain,
NOR worse pain obviously,
..,
Hence,
For my survival,
I really must remember to PROPERLY develop that needed inner peaceful/healthy awareness,
..,
And well,
As I feel I implied..,
If I never spot the inner causes of a lack of impulse control then I’ll never learn how to get a handle on my impulses,
..,
I just often feel I can NOT control my impulses IF I’m NOT taught NOR sufficiently supported with HOW to control them,
..,
If I NEVER learn NOR sufficiently remember how to inwardly clear the inner painful built-up bullshit,
I may (therefore) permanently lose it!?
I can evolve or devolve,
And I believe,
So can we all,
I may be more innately vulnerable(?),
Yet my life experiences may either DAMAGE,
OR,
Consciously BUILD me,
To access profound capability I never before saw possible within me,
I can find peace while going up the hill,
Or the pain I inevitably inwardly carry can psychologically dangerously spiral me into irreparable insanity..?
..,
Hence,
I really must remember inner awareness,
Of the awareness that underlies my decision making and/or present state of being and (therefore) in which direction it is mostly heading,
I can be aware of my awareness,
..,
I can be aware of my awareness that is aware of my awareness..,
Etc, etc..,
(Source: Mooji, Infinite Love Meditation Club, “Mooji – DO NOT WORRY – 3 Wisdom Messages”, September 16th, 2022, YouTube, https://youtu.be/ZqxqxIqlulg),
I often feel:
If I know what I must do,
Yet if I do not know how to do it,
I will never successfully do it,
..,
And (hypothetically speaking) if no one teaches me it,
Well..,
As any particular teaching may have somewhere first started(?),
Hopefully I then inwardly discover what I view as truth (that’ll truly help me)..,
Such as,
How to find healthy natural inner peaceful conscious balance,
To get myself through any work and/or any day,
In an increasingly deeply gratifying way..,
And of course,
The more my experience(s) damage my awareness,
The more damaging my decisions will be,
Since I will NOT have developed the inner foundational awareness I needed for good and clear decision making and/or good (and clear) impulse control..,
Huhh..,
My emotional hyperreactivity makes me feel vulnerable in a world of brutally uncompassionate “survival”,
(Or among unconscious forces that are brutally insatiable),
I hope this is reasonably making sense..(?),
Yet..,
Hence,
The LESS I find natural inner peace in the present,
The MORE susceptible I’ll be to toxically impulsively blocking out inner pain (such as through drug abuse as a hypothetical..(?)),
The external may tell me what I must do,
Yet IF I do NOT consciously identify MY inner causes of bad decision making,
I’ll just keep making bad decisions,
And well,
If I do NOT have sufficient inner awareness support NOR guidance NOR any needed inner realizations on how to develop clear awareness for clear and good decision making,
Then of course..,
As I also ended the above stanza with..,
I’ll just keep making bad decisions..,
So I feel,
Instead of unconsciously reacting to inner emotional pain by making unconscious impulsive bad decisions to block out the pain through excessive medication (recreational and/or prescribed..),
I feel I must INSTEAD (for example) witness my natural breathing and inner sensations,
The natural expansion and contraction of my chest,
The (unconsciously built up) painful present inner resistance CLEARING while peaceful inner conscious strength INCREASES,
Or whatever it is I may be deeply experiencing that helps develop my inner peaceful awareness and acceptance of inevitable external present circumstances..,
Yes..,
The LESS present inner stressful resistance I carry,
The MORE inner peacefulness I’ll more likely attain,
That’ll MORE likely help me additionally succeed externally,
..,
The more I have inner peacefulness,
The easier I feel it may be to do my part at emanating it externally,
So if I feel excessive inner pain,
I (therefore) feel I must remember HOW to NOT add to it by inner tense resistance NOR (or such as) negative thoughts pertaining to it,
Hence..,
I can just,
Witness it as it is,
And practice accepting that I can not instantly change it..,
Which may just most likely help it start and/or continue to settle..?
Since I’ll be letting it be within me,
?
And therefore NOT adding inner tension/inner bad energy such as negative thoughts and/or energy to what I can NOT change in the present moment,
And of course,
I hope to more successfully,
More continually,
Accept whatever I inevitably experience,
In any present moment,
..,
Yet (I feel) I must remind myself that it takes aware commitment,
And of course the LESS inner energy depleting negativity I carry within me,
The MORE clear inner peaceful strength I’ll have to complete any task(s) I must,
And hence,
The more likely I’ll make better decisions to reach more goals,
The more clear I am internally,
The more clear I can make decisions that may MORE likely benefit me externally,
Inwardly,
Or however the decisions may deeply and continually serve me (and others hopefully),
Because,
That unconscious inner toxic energy will NOT be excessively clouding my awareness NOR will be excessively holding me back..,
So I’ll have and sustain the inner clear awareness,
To keep making the decisions I must,
That’ll therefore give me a greater likelihood of feeling better and better,
Of however I feel is more worth feeling,
?
Awareness of my inner awareness,
I just must keep remembering,
To keep consciously developing
Zach Dana Writing 