True Family

Yuh know..,
I remember how some guy who hazed me in the fraternity forced me to give him my phone to see if I told anyone about how he was mistreating me,
(Well more than one did actually.. another guy from that same university who I also told you about and wrote about in my post titled: “More and More of It” (posted on August 31st, 2022)),
And that day,
He once told me “don’t tell anybody”,
“Don’t tell your sister”,
To me it seemed he’d feel the authority who’d bust his ass for busting my ass wouldn’t understand his ways of “helping me” essentially,
Or they’d “take it out of context”,
And I don’t think much context is required to see,
That he was among those in my life who were TOXIC,
And you as my sister have just been so.. so much better..,

And I do vaguely remember..,
Yet he still bullied me even though he was virtually three years younger than me..,
And who is he to think he can deprive me of my FREEDOM to tell others how he was wronging me!!?
May God,
May life energy,
And another fraternity “brother” once sent a direct message to me on SnapChat saying he was “really fucking sick” of me talking about what the other guy did to me and him..,
Unlike THEM,
Have been so,
So much MORE trustworthy,
To open up to..,
And even though what I’m writing here may be full of memories and feelings I have about certain people who hurt me,
I feel,
This is mostly,
About how deeply,
Been there for me,

Although a couple who are too busy may sometimes send me a deeply supportive message,
A significant amount of those fraternity “brothers” LIED about being “family”..,
Very few I’ll see rarely,
Some may send an occasional message reply to me,
Others have cut me off completely..,
And well..,
That one guy who got mad at me for not letting go of how the other guy hurt me does in fact sometimes (although barely) call me to check in on me,
Yet YOU,

I try letting go of what I can the best I presently can,
And being criticized for what I have not let go of does NOT help me let go of it,
It just makes me feel more like shit,
And I feel that you understand that and too many others just do NOT get it..,

And UNLIKE most others who can’t control and misdirect their anger,
You have been so much more understanding and nicer..,
Damn right,

I want to also thank you for being someone I can really trust and go to when my crazy autistic shit life throws at me hits the fan directly,
Unlike that other guy from college who called himself “real”,
To be real,
I feel that he turned out to be unhinged emotionally who’d abuse his skills in karate,

I just also want you to know,
Unlike all those scumbags like him,
You have been nice to me,
Especially when I was emotionally struggling and needed it deeply,
And as for that karate kid,
Who was smiling while I was in the ice bath suffering,
Who was laughing at me when throwing up and during other moments of “the beer mile”,
Would tell me to “shut up” in front of others,
Cursed at me a number of times,
Said to me and my “pledge brothers” that he’d beat any of us up so bad that we’d be “drinking through a straw” for the “rest of our life” if I (or whichever other) were to report how he was hazing us because the criminal record would make “his life over”, etc etc,
After I was so kind and polite all the damn time..,
For him I just presently have ZERO empathy,
So I will say,
Since ways he treated me were just so wrong including that he felt afterwards he “didn’t do shit to me”,
There’s still that dark part of me,
That hopes he gets his,
I did NOT cause his misery,
Yet because I was anxious,
His out of control ego would talk all this shit to me,
Fucking scumbag fuck,
Having you around has been way better luck,

Yeah I know I should be more “compassionate”,
Yet even if someone has been through “so much shit”,
I don’t like even feeling slightly blamed for it since I just did NOT cause it,
And thank you again,
For reminding me to NOT let scumbags like that guy who abused his karate limit me,
Ohh yes,
Those memories and the hurt are still with me,
Thank YOU for having deep empathy,
Unlike all the other bullies..,
Who even may have “pulled themselves up by their bootstraps” who had egos out to just strap me down..,
Yet UNLIKE them,
You have helped me up when I was down,
Those other fucks who picked themselves off the ground,
Just wanted to take out their insatiable ego’s anger by pushing me deeper and deeper into the ground,
They may have somewhat or completely achieved their “American Dream”,
Yet to me they just were so mean,

Yet UNLIKE them,
Had compassion,

Your encouragement to remind me to keep going,
Your support of my writing,
Has been so,
So much better,
Than all those other scumbags who tried to “break me down and build me up”..,
They just additionally fucked me up,
And when I would suppress so much shit and blow up,
They’d just want me to shut the fuck up,
Yet YOU,
That there were reasons I had to be so deeply mad,
You reminded me that it was NOT right of them to all call me “weird” and (as one told me later on) wonder if they should really give me a “bid” to go through all that bullshit to become a “brother for life”,
You reminded me how wrong it was what the karate kid among certain others did to me,
It would’ve been nice if I found a group of close friends who would not have put me through all that bullshit,
It mostly,
Taught me to not trust idiots like some of them..,

Yet since I was so desperate for friends,
I just put up with the bullshit,
And now I regret allowing anyone to have treated me like that,
And yes it could have been WAY worse,
Yet I feel that it was bad enough,
To be mad about,
It could’ve went so much differently..,
Maybe we could’ve done something that truly could have helped us spiritually..(?),
Deep inner body social connection expansion, etc, etc..,
But that’s just NOT fraternity tradition unfortunately,
That would be “wack”,
Of course to be real,
I feel the culture turned out damaging..,

And that only group of friends I found,
Just had to haze me..,
It’s not all but a few who I just can NOT and will NOT forgive..,
And they’re NOT asking for forgiveness because to them it just was NOT “wrong”..,
I will admit some were better,
Yet that karate scumbag,
Including that OTHER compulsive liar who told me a girl “called the cops on me” in the middle of April and still said “April fools”..,
Who’d get so frustrated with my anxiety,
Unlike THEM who “tried to help me” yet just made shit so much worse for me..,
I am happy that there are those like you in the world,
And although they may be a “needle in a haystack”,
I’m glad to have you as one in my life,
That has always been there,

Even though quite rarely you may lose patience with me,
Quite understandably,
You had deep patience,
And wisdom to offer and continue offering me,
Such as reminding me,
That there’s more to life,
Than memories of those who hurt me,
Whether to my face,
Or even in a YouTube comment section,
You remind me that I just must pull my awareness out of toxic tunnel vision,

You remind me,
There’s more to life,
Than all the scumbags I may have encountered,
And may have continued to encounter throughout my life,

Thank you for putting a smile on my face,
Thank you for having fun engaging energy that helped at least occasionally,
Pull my attention out of obsessive compulsive insecure misery,

Thank you for seeing me more than just surfacely,
Thank you for being among the few,
Who has also,
Truly been there for me,
While so many others would most probably misunderstand,
Get mad and try to “help” me while INSTEAD making shit worse for me..,

Today is March 15th, 2023,
And even though the day before yesterday just happened to be the day of that karate kid’s birthday,
I just won’t say it..

And instead even though yours is just over a week away,
Just as I eagerly have so much to say,
I also would like to right now,
Wish YOU,
A very,

Happy birthday

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