Can NOT have it that Way

Well..,
Even though our “energy fields” may have never been compatible..,
Even though I wanted you in my life so badly although for me sadly it maybe was just “NEVER meant to be”..,
Even though you considerately sent me that beautifully written email,
Which was probably more closure than ever fair of me to ask for..(?),
(And yes that did help me feel better and/or prevented me from feeling so much damn worse, such as times (like now) when I deeply miss you..),
Well..,
I even remember at that karaoke party when I initially thought “wow she’s crazy” and then two weeks later it just hit me so fucking unexpectedly intensely..,
And all those understandable misunderstandings..,
That you gave me closure for thankfully..,
And even though I got to hear from you that time on gmail over 5 years and after over 3 years since not seeing you..,
Well..,
Better that much later than never,

I just wish I could send you this..,
And well if I did maybe that’ll just make me look more bad,
MORE dismissed and MORE misunderstood and MORE hated than ever..,
So many just don’t fucking care..,
Fuck them,

Well..,
Even though a part of me clearly knows how irrational I’m being..,
Well..,
I once again just want to see you again,
..,
And..,
Yeah..,
Well..,
I just wish I wasn’t like this..,
I just wish I didn’t have autism..,
I wish I’d be the man you’re looking for,
I just wish I was not so fucking anxious..,
I wish I never felt like I need so many “special needs”..,
It fucking sucks.. it really does..,
..,
And,
..,
And I know I’m wining like a desperate codependent fuck up..,
Well..,
I guess I’ll say the obvious..,
That I just want your presence again,
I’m just really missing you again and I’m painfully bugging out from time and time again..,
My chest hurts..,
Whatever..,

And even though we’re all going to die someday..,
And even though I believe “nothing lasts forever”..,
And even though maybe this is coming from a place of my “ego” NOT letting go and therefore NOT just “finding peace in the present moment”..,
And even though this is NOT “real love” and just an irrational obsession (I fucking guess….(?))..,
I’ll just say that,
Well..,
Even if I never done that much well..,
Still..,
I’d just trade whatever it is I achieved and am aspiring towards..,
Just to have you in my life..,
Damn..,
You’re all I really want and I just can’t have you here with me,
And I wish you can hear this..,
But that’ll just be too fucking “creepy”,

..,
I hope this will pass again..,
Yes,
..,
Maybe I’ll feel better again while knowing I just may never see you again..(!?),
And well..,
Right now..,
Once again,
I just want you forever and ever,
I wish the words I’m trying to put together would just make it more clear..,
That well..,
I just want you here,
I just want you here,

AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

And I want you to know how badly I want you yet if I send this to you I’ll just regret it..,
And maybe you’ll be like “da fuck!?”..,
Huhhh..,
Or however you’ll react to it.. it’ll just not seem good..,

Huhhhhhhhhhhhh..,

Whatever,
Even if reading something like this would make you NOT want to see me ever again..,
And although I hope for this to pass..,
Well..,
As of now,
All I want,
Is you,
And well..,
I’ll just have to accept that,
I won’t get what I want the most..,

And well..,
Hopefully this feeling will pass again..,
Huhhh..,
I just want you here with me,

I just want you here with me..,
Ohh what a cliché..,
What an unoriginal feeling..,
All those damn love songs or whatever..,

Dammit..,
I..,
Just want you here,
Fuck..,
I just don’t know how to end this..,

I just want to be with you,
Forever..,

Shit.. I even remember that night I met you while the song “I Want It That Way” came on..,
(Source: The only fucking “Backstreet Boys” that like everyone knows.. okay since I’m having OCD here’s the freakin’ citation: Carter, Nick, et al. “I Want It That Way.” Millennium, 1999. (https://www.calvin.edu/library/knightcite/index.php)),
Wow..,
I just never thought I’d ever want you that way so bad..,
I just never thought that over six years later I’d be here missing you..,
I just wish I could send this to you..,
And I won’t because..,
Well..,
I guess it’s obvious..,

?

You’re just..,
Such an awesome woman,
And wish I had it that way,

I want you forever,
Damn right “I want it that way”,
Man like every time I hear that song on some commercial or wherever the fuck..,
Shiiit..,
I just,
As of now,
Want you forever and ever..,
I just..,
Or my clingy “ego” just..,
“Wants it that way”..,

I really,
Really,
Just “want it that way”,

But I can’t have it that way,

And well..,
As of now..,

I’m sad..,
Because..,
I just can NOT have it that way..,

And hopefully,
Once again,
It’ll feel,
At least,
Okay