Back at Yard House


Okay well..,
I guess I must try to honestly say that,
Even if there’s more than enough back up,
Even if I’m a total fuckup who’s NOT needed,
I still plan to stick around,
And keep trying my present best to express to try to release pain from within my mind and chest in addition to reminding whoever that they are NOT alone even if in a deep painfully down invisible situation,

And even if what I just tried to clearly say may never ever provide sufficient inner emotional alleviation..(?),
Even if I have nothing to offer,
Even if others insecure egos just want me around to bust my balls and try to feel more superior..,
I still have what I attempt to clearly piece together in writing,
Because well,
Even if however many of us can NOT avoid just going from one shithole to the next,
Aside from ever having each other in “spirit”,
I guess I’ll still try to offer,
My interpretation(s),
Of being in some kind of bullshit..,

And well,
Since I feel I always have struggled more than usual socially,
Since I struggle to let stuff go,
Since I carry so much with me and can get derailed emotionally so damn easily,
I just have NOT felt NOR feel I’ll ever access the confidence required to fulfill society’s expectations of successfully following along a typical career path..,

In addition to being diagnosed with “generalized anxiety”,
“ADHD” and “mild autism”,
And having experiences that have unconsciously filled me with deep discouragement,
I carry several deep inner doubts about my ability to live peacefully happily typically independently,

Maybe those who I’m in whatever career path with will just keep being mean to me,
Which may just further and further derail me,
Until I’m a babbling sidewalk homeless man,
In prison,
In the psych ward..,
Just shut down and chemically controlled more than ever before..,

When my parents leave,
Will those who said they’d be there have the inner peaceful strength I see as required to keep their word..?

Ohh I am scared,
Yet well,
When without my parents,
I don’t know..,
I just don’t..,

I presently feel:
If I’m correct..(?),
They’ve done and understood more than anyone has..,
And well,
I’ll keep hanging in there,
I do NOT plan to (for example) jump off the fourth floor of the Palisades mall..,
And well,
Would something like that really be the “easy way out”,
If you were to see the drop..,
I guess courageously sticking it out,
And/or I guess courageously hopping the railing while landing on the hard floor,
Are just hard to determine what will be worse,

Of course,
My warrior spirit tells me,
To stay strong and find peace in the bullshit until my time happens to come..,

I’ll just,
Straight up,
And strong,

It’s was nice being back at Yard House,
Away from the scumbags I cut out of my life such as the guy who made me feel worse about the anxiety I already felt bad about by saying “you’re as quiet as a mouse”..,
(Who I talked a lot about in my post titled “More and More of It” (uploaded here on my account on August 31st, 2022)),
And well,
It’s been nice tonight to have a break,
And be back,
With real brothers,
Among great kind supportive others

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