Blessings to All

(Disclaimer: Only read if preferred: For one,
I haven’t figured out how to do endnotes on WordPress.com..,
(When I copy and paste with or “without formatting” the endnotes have not seemed to paste properly..),
And if it’s obvious then welp that’s another reason why having learning disabilities frustrates me…
And the citations may not be necessary (nor be in the right spot, nor pertain to precisely what I’m trying to make clear, however I did include some sources in parentheses..)),

Also,
For one,
I can focus on comfortably pleasing the heavily solidified narrative of others,
Pretending stuff does not exist that I instead truly feel needs to be addressed and/or off my chest,
And even if whichever others I may receive an honest hurtful reaction from,
Well,
Just thought I’d try to do my best to word how a significant part of me feels to truly see this,
With the hope of us mutually compassionately understanding where we’re coming from:

Sometimes (if not often) I feel that what “works” for most has a bad affect on me,
And as for survival and emotional regulation,
well,
If I understand correctly..,
that puts me in far greater jeopardy,

Maybe others feel getting cursed at “builds them up”,
Yet for me,
It just makes me want to fuck up those who are criticizing me..,
Because instead of “awakening” me..,
Too often,
Popular forms of criticism increase obsessive insecurity that holds me back UNLIKE the others it “helps build up”..,

Huhh..,
There’s just so much that provokes me,
Last night someone (also “on the spectrum”) told me that he essentially has lost all patience for stupidity,
And that so many others he feels are “caricatures” of humans even though they are humans themselves..,
And well I can’t disagree,
Including with what a community college professor of mine said at the end of the semester that “stupid people make our life harder”,
And well..,
I also wish people (including myself) would be less resistant of the present and therefore more peaceful and LESS negatively judgmental..,

(I guess(?) the more I resist the moment,
The more I build and carry inner tension that weighs within me,
And may more likely add stress to those around me..?
And to be at peace,
Instead of fighting,
(ideally and/or most practically speaking),
I guess I can start by noticing my breathing even if I’m not sitting still “meditating”..),

And well,
For one,
Even if we intend to insult a person while knowing they won’t understand it,
Well,
Hearing another’s wish to insult whoever also makes me feel more negative and insecure about myself,
Especially since I would NOT be surprised if other highly aware and intelligent others often did and continue to do that to me,
Knowing I wouldn’t get offended because I would “not understand”..,
And/or if I did understand I’d be too anxious and intimidated to confront them..,
And well..,
Quite often I try NOT to understand what I feel will make me offended if I catch on..,
Which is another reason I shut myself down,
And often avoid eye contact so I don’t become more offended by someone’s aggressive frown..,
Oh how they just may see me as and just call me to my face a straight-up “clown”,
(Or whatever it is.. that word just happened to rhyme..),

Haaahh..,
I even remember,
Before this very author largely inspired me to write,
I remember (along with one other partner) screwing up a Sherman Alexie Jr.’s short story book class presentation,
And then blocking out a comment that same community college professor of mine made that got the class laughing,
Because if I heard what he said to me and my partner in front of everyone I just may have much more likely been more publicly humiliated through involuntarily displaying a panic attack..(!?),
And well,
Even though at the end of that same class he aggressively snatched the following group presentation response slip of paper out of my hand,
Even though on the very first day of the semester he handed back my learning disability paperwork and confidently told me to speak to him “after class” causing me to view him as an ass..,
Yet well,
I guess I must give credit to him,
For introducing me to a writer who’d later immensely help inspire me to attempt to become one myself,
And even if I’m failing miserably,
Been “socially promoted” academically,
Use my “generalized anxiety”,
“ADHD” and “mild autism” as a “crutch” immorally excessively..,
Well..,
I still feel that a lot of good can be found and came to me out of his class..,
(Including writing evidently..),

And well,
Him implicitly guilt-tripping our class (on the first day) by openly questioning,
“If you don’t like reading, then, why are you in college?”,
And even though my initial plan was to quit juggling once college started,
Yet the anxious obsessive compulsiveness was still troubling me..,
And luckily I did get the learning support I needed,
But even though I was first offended by his various forms of honesty,
At least it still just may have helped me set foot on a path more truly compatible for me..,
And no one is perfect obviously..,

And as I wrote here initially:
I feel that additionally:
Not everyone has the same gifted inclinations and/or inclusive supportive backgrounds to become deeply knowledgeable and/or “intellectual”,
So maybe the academic elite can also be less judgmental of the capable,
yet overworked and distracted majority..,

?

Like even if you’re factually correct about everything it might also be nice to come across more nice,
!?
And NOT to unjustifiably accuse anyone,
And NOT to discredit anyone,
But same goes for any highly regarded professor/intellectual..,

So..,
(Hypothetically speaking..),
Even if we’re vastly more articulate and knowledgeable about untold history such as secret brutal military interventions,
Training terrorists and/or whoever to overthrow democratically elected whoever immorally because of whatever..,
among whatever largely unknown important information,
And although the above I intended to be hypothetical(s).., well here’s a source:
(Source: Bensaid, Adam. “The Secret History of US Interventions in Latin America.” TRT WORLD, 24 Jan. 2019, http://www.trtworld.com/americas/the-secret-history-of-us-interventions-in-latin-america-23586. (https://www.calvin.edu/library/knightcite/index.php)),
Well,
I feel that we’re also STILL accountable to be kind (for example..),

Not intending to say anything bad about Chomsky,
Yet as for the capable yet struggling distracted majority,
Even if we’re deeply apathetic and misinformed,
And even if we’re perpetuating toxic tribalistic propaganda,
Well,
Maybe even if we’re immensely politically and/or spiritually ignorant of the life we could be living among various forms and/or deeply unaware NOR care of various locations of avoidable human suffering,
And EVEN if in many ways we’ve been fooled into perpetuating that..(such as a culture of fearfully obedient apathy),
Well,
Maybe being a kind person can also be something to offer,
Which just may help..(?),
With additionally..,
Finding the inner peaceful discipline necessary,
To remain informed,
And to also help reduce horrific levels of human oppression that are and have always been so avoidable,
Unnecessary and instead have been just straight up damaging,

And well, Blessings to Noam Chomsky, Sherman Alexie Jr., My community college professor, Other teachers, Professors and writers who’ve and may ever continue to inspire me, Among everybody,

And even if humanity will fall,
To a new unprecedented degree,
Once again,
And even though a part of me may struggle with this greatly,
For reasons such as it does infuriate a big part of me,
Feeling that other insecure egos STILL can NOT resist playing around with my anxious ALTHOUGH kind sincerity..,

Still,
Although it usually for me has NOT felt easy,
I will still..,
Like to keep TRYING to offer,
Blessings,
To all,

Always

(Source: Just thought I’d include this YouTube link citation, assuming it’s the right one and still public: Wintonick, Peter, and Mark Achbar. “Manufacturing Consent.” YouTube, Labour Heartlands, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qfSdLm8giyQ. (https://www.calvin.edu/library/knightcite/index.php))