If I’m taking everything personally,
What does that say about me?
Could it be..?
I haven’t let go of feelings largely resulting from people mistreating me..?
Maybe a deeper layer of a painful memory (or plenty of painful memories..) are back to presently bother me..?
Causing me to react to whatever I interpret as “disrespect” aggressively..?
To “make up for” all the times I “kept taking it”?
If I’m taking everything personally,
What does that say about me?
Could it be..?
I’m deeply insecure..?
Have low self-esteem..?
Egoic self-esteem that is painfully never satisfied..?
A painful psychologically damaging internal critic..?
And therefore can NOT stand to control myself when perceiving others as additionally mean and/or emotionally toxic for themselves and/or others (such as me) in their presence..?
If I’m taking everything personally,
Could it be since I’m so hard on myself already,
That I’m so used to and tired of criticism?
Therefore I always assume others are being toxically critical?
And since all that negative critical energy may be filling me,
I guess I may be more reactive to even a SLIGHT increase of it..?
NOR have the inner peaceful clearness necessary to realize that I just do NOT need to be so offended by what others have to tell me!!?
If I’m taking everything personally,
What does that say about me?
Could it be..?
That although I may have healed certain inner layers of certain painful memories,
That there may still be deeper unhealed layers,
That may strongly arise within me (even of the same memory such as of my baseball coach implicitly calling me “stupid” in front of everybody, and/or that other time when all of those others could not stop powerfully laughing at me when I didn’t find it funny..(?))..,
?
Whenever something even slightly reminds me of those types of hurtful memories during a time the memory is once again bothering me just be another reason I get triggered so personally..?
I guess,
There’s always a deeper layer to see (if not “heal”) clearer..,
And I guess..,
Inner processing goes on forever,
?
Yet,
May inner peaceful processing overall help us develop,
Stronger and stronger,
And I guess,
The more emotional painful layers we are able to clear and/or are able to clearly anticipate when they arise..,
I guess..(?),
The stronger we’ll be,
To truly NOT get emotionally derailed as easily..,
So I feel trying to continually developing clear conscious inner peaceful awareness,
Will really help me,
Take LESS and LESS stuff destructively emotionally personally,
Yet of course practicing may NOT come easy,
And I just may keep taking shit personally that more painfully deeply reminds me of that other painful memory..?
Yet if I at least try to notice my breath and inner sensations and NOT resist the present moment (and/or memories inevitably arising in me) by (therefore) adding present resistance inner tension..,
Overall (I guess?) I may still (more likely) feel better,
If I can just CHILL,
Just notice and peacefully accept inner emotional sensations and/or reactions I can NOT change..,
And hopefully as a result take stuff,
LESS,
Personally,
..,
Since I’ll (more likely) be more at peace and LESS likely to explosively resist painful emotions (through creating more unbearable inner resistance tension) that may have exploded due to taking something personally,
So essentially,
NOT resisting yet peacefully noticing my breath, inner sensations and emotions that inevitably pass through me may REDUCE my chances of reacting destructively..,
?
And instead of taking it personally,
Even when someone aggressively tells me to “STOP TAKING EVERYTHING SO PERSONALLY!!”,
Maybe I can eventually learn to NOT lose myself in their critical energy,
And INSTEAD truly take bullshit,
Less personally,
?
And although I just may keep taking shit personally..,
Well..,
I still feel more healthy inner peaceful social connection and/or whatever peaceful and clear internal sensations,
Remains for me a hopeful possibility,
Including more feeling more inner peacefulness and LESS crazy destructiveness,
I guess ?
Zach Dana Writing 