Stating Afloat

What did I screw up now..?
How did I again misunderstand..?
Who and how did I once again embarrass..?
How else will others judge me on the surface..?
What will I face as a result of this..?

I’m always starting somewhere,
Getting discouraged then winding up nowhere..,

Huhh..,
Must I go back into my reclusive juggling video filming shell..?
Must I always quit when social situations continue to go terrible..?
Must I view myself as others claim to view me..?
Must I only be around those labeled as autistically awkward as me..?
How will connecting with others who also struggle to connect really help us connect and/or plan out the blueprint for a beautiful friendship that’ll remain afloat!?

Welp..,
Sometimes the friendship wasn’t built invincible,
Sometimes hitting an iceberg becomes unavoidable..,
Sometimes turning against each other is all we see when stuff falls apart and sinks deeply..,
And although I can’t speak for everybody..,
Well..,
Sometimes,
I just must remind myself to lower my expectations in order to NOT be as disappointed when stuff once again does not work out,

And as for unfortunate inevitable present realities..,
Well..,
INSTEAD of adding to the misery by dwelling in negativity..,
INSTEAD of trying to fake positivity as all the negativity keeps building within me..,
Well..,
Maybe I can try to keep witnessing as whatever painful inner sensations inevitably pass..,
And instead of adding more pain through more resistance energy of what I can not change..,
Maybe I can increasingly find peace,
With peacefully noticing and accepting whatever pain happens to be passing,

And well,
I know this is NOT easy,
NOR have I been that inner peacefully successful evidently,
Yet,
Just thought I’d once again,
Try to share,
One attempt at understanding what I just may be experiencing,

And wherever I go,
However I put myself out there,
There just may always be a toxic energy thread that troubles me uniquely,
I just..,
Have to keep hanging in there..,
..,
Huhhhhhhhhh..,

And well,
For me..,
Various types of medication have exacerbated mood dysregulation,
And maybe I just need to chill and find peace,
Instead of always trying to come up with a deeper solution to whatever painful equation I feel I need to “solve”,

Huhh..,
Sometimes letting be,
Although it does NOT require I do anything other than notice..,
Still..,
Ain’t always easy,

Yet..,
I’ll keep trying to practice with techniques that I feel as most compatible for me,

And well,
I want to focus better on “being with” instead of “getting over with”,
Since if I’m always trying to “get stuff over with” throughout my whole life,
Will I really have obtained what I could have deeply attained and appreciated from it..?

So even if I often fail at it,
May I still at least can keep trying to find at least some inner peace in any moment,
And I guess the more clear and less weighed down I am internally,
The more I just may excel externally..,

?

And well,
I’ll keep going perpetually