Giving

Must I give in order to “get back”?
Must I give in order to feel a sense of “power” and have another “reason” to guilt-trip others..?

OR..,

Must I give in order to try having it feel good for me..?
Even if those more vulnerable cannot “repay” me,
?

What do I see as most needed and truth within me..?

Maybe..,
Just maybe..,
Giving,
May help me feel more gratified that I’m doing my best (in my own way) to contribute to healing those suffering..(?),

INSTEAD of verbally abusing those who I may ever be taking care of,
Well,
Maybe at least trying to find more inner peace,
Will further clear (or help me remain less lost in) that toxic inner deeply painful negativity,
So I more likely,
Remain LESS of a scumbag to those who may ever deeply depend on me,
?

I guess..(?),
May I become better at just letting the negative energy pass through me,
WITHOUT it becoming me,
WITHOUT it blinding me,
WITHOUT it building then blasting out of me..,

I ALSO feel strongly that,
Trying to force positivity will NOT help prevent toxic negativity from growing within me..,

May I just (for example) sufficiently remember to continue practicing witnessing inhaling,
Exhaling,
And (therefore hopefully) becoming more and more at peace as the negativity inevitably passes throughout me,
And/or may I (therefore) do a better job..,
At taking real steps to develop real positivity,
..,
So..,
Others may have an easier time who are forced to be around me..,

And same goes for them according to me,
And I feel that although we may need to express ourselves,
Constantly complaining about what we cannot change NOR avoid,
Just may (for example) make it additionally harder for those around us,
Nor will help inwardly heal us..(?),
Since we’re just,
Embracing negativity and emanating it externally instead of taking steps to find inner peaceful acceptance of our inevitable present reality,

I guess it’s “how we relate to it”..?

And even if I’m “full of shit”..?
Well,
At least I’m trying to helpfully form a clearer understanding of it..,

Sure,
I also feel that,
It’s okay to complain to a reasonable extent,
Of course we may all need to vent,
Yet,
How much and what’s the real effect(s) I’d guess we can ask..?

Hence,
What can really help stuff feel reasonably less painful..(?),
For all of us ?

How and what are we really “giving” ?