According to me,
Although it’s “never too late”,
Sometimes,
when we finally,
consciously,
rationally respond,
to our actions,
The damage may be done,
So..,
It might be,
too late..?

Because most people don’t like me,
And constantly use their non-learning challenged awareness to emotionally dump on me,
Exacerbating my obsessive thinking and hypersensitivity,
It’s very hard for me,
To sustain peaceful self-control,
For my own wellness and safety..,

And,
As for me,
No matter,
how much inner permanent damage,
that may have been done to me,
Which I may not presently see,
(If any is “permanent”.. at least in my current physical form in the infinitely, infinite present),
Still,
I try to,
REMEMBER,
There’s always,
A way,
to be with,
To accept more of,
whatever it is,
On whatever level(s)..
Wherever,

The way I practice my chosen practices,
May not,
instantly,
or even sufficiently (if practiced successfully),
clear it,
But I guess,
we can still..
At least somewhat,
Mitigate it..?
And,
Learn something,
rewarding,
from it,
Aside from,
however,
Regardless of reasons why,
We may,
Or may not,
Respond,
To it,
In some needed,
Constructive way(s)..

..

If it’s physical,
and/or emotional,
And/or any type of pain,
How do we,
resist less,
To experience,
less pain?

Although,
our attention,
May not have been,
focused on,
Our destructive reaction,
that was about to happen,

We’re still in some moment,
After whatever happened,
And if the pain,
has not passed,
Well..
We can..
I guess,
still,
Do whatever we can,
As our present experience(s),
pass,

And,
Aside from whatever we’re experiencing,
I guess,
As for,
whatever,
may be coming..?
May we,
see it coming,
So we,
can internally,
prepare ourselves,
To stay aware,
And alert,
To avoid as much suffering,
As we can..,

So,
In the,
“grand scheme of things”,
Reacting to anyone,
Such as..
(strangers who I see once and never again),
In a life-damaging,
life ending way,
Obviously,
would be additionally tragic..
Hence,
I must..
“See it coming”,
To AVOID,
pointless,
lifelong suffering..
To avoid,
Anything harmful,
Horrific or tragic..
That I could have avoided..,

But as for my second to last post,
Pertaining to,
Irrational forces,
blinding previous,
rational awareness,
Essentially,

Well..,
Although..,
I KNOW,
Not to dangerously escalate situations,
Especially small trivial ones,
Such as customers insulting me,
over their “champagne problems”,
Such as getting pissed at me for not knowing precisely,
where items as non-essential as champagne are located..
etc, etc..
To avoid a serious,
Life changing permanent,
Horrific,
problems,

I’d guess,
The more I practice awareness,
The more I,
Can PREPARE for NOT destructively, unconsciously reacting,
to their,
Or anyone’s,
goofiness..,

But although..
I KNOW..
I MUST..
SEE IT COMING,
Whether it’s through inwardly “checking in”,
Or whatever is needed,
So while my attention is focused on their aggressive complaint(s),
My attention will ALSO be aware,
Of the LIKELY results,
of my possible reaction(s)..,

They of course,
Do NOT know my history,
Of my hypersensitivity,
learning challenges,
and all other pain that got exacerbated by those being very mean to me..,
Which I must let go of to the extent,
required,
for it to stop weighing on me..,
obviously..

So I can be clear enough,
To see whatever is coming,
So I can react in the safest way I can,
To stay,
On the most beneficial conscious,
Existential way I can,
In this ongoing present,
As long as,
And/or,
As often as,

I can..

And,
Although I could be WAY WAY worse,
I’m still trapped in the bullshit,
Struggle to NOT destructively react to it,
So..
At least,
I’m still not as deep as I could be in it,
But I must remember,
To STAY peaceful, alert and aware,
To,
Stay as safe as I can,
From too much more pain,
Resulting from how I handle it

Aside from all the history I do NOT know..,

Still..

I can’t believe,
how bad it was,
before my present life form,
And I still can’t believe,
it took so long,
To come to this point..
Which still feels,
Overall,
So far from preferable..
Not even close to practical,
Not even close as compared to how capable,
we,
Truly,
Are,
And can always continually discover..

So even though,
our species of earth sentient beings,
came “far”,

Still..

I STRONGLY believe,
It could’ve been so much more..

And will humans go further..?
In the near future..?
I feel just too..
Unsure..,

??

I don’t want to sidetrack this post,
with excessive political issues,
It’s just..
So many,
No matter their level of power,
Seem to,
Have so many damn ISSUES..

Hence..

It’s just..
No surprise,
When we get thrown and stuck with, some kind of,
tragic issue(s),

So for me,
Therefore,
It’s definitely NOT “out of the blue”,
Since we’ve seen and heard enough of,
What others do,
And how they tragically fail to,
Follow through,
With what they’re capable of,

And aside from psychoanalyzing,
Or however understanding,
all the environmental reasons why..
it’s just..
As it often is..

More,
Avoidable,
Tragic,
unfortunate..
bullshit

Even though we may know,
The proper,
Ethical way(s),
That’s most practical to go,
…
Sometimes,
the pain is so bad,
We just go mad,

Maybe,
our irrationality,
is no more likely,
To be dangerous or bad,
As opposed the belief that,
people “need” treatment..
For stability,
Regardless if is or is NOT constitutional,
Or ethical..?

Hence,
in that case,
The lucrative pharmaceutical industry,
convinces people they,
“always” need medication to avoid,
catastrophic situations..
Would be the industry,
feeding off of fear..

And well,
Regardless,
As for me,
And the pain I carry,
When I try to make people hear me,
By saying,
Even though I believe violence,
does NOT,
internally cleanse and enlighten us,
Sometimes,
When my needs,
For being heard..
Are always ignored..,

When my rational awareness,
Is constantly dismissed,
By irrationality,
I’ll also develop irrationality,
And in my own ways,
Succumb to the toxic mentality,

And when I say something that I do NOT truly mean,
Like,
“I wish I had a gun”,
It’s a cry for help,
Due to not feeling close to sufficient,
If any helpful,
present,
Empathy,

Yet after hearing this,
Most others seem to,
STILL..
just lecture me,

..

Instead of acknowledging,
That I did NOT mean what I said,
But that,
I was in so much pain,
So I therefore,
expressed an unconscious reaction,
in order,
to be,
compassionately,
heard,

Yet from others,
I mostly receive,
unconscious,
Excessively fearful,
Emotional,
response(s),

So..
I wish,
Others will,
Empathetically,
HEAR ME,
When I say,
I wish,
We could,
Cleanse more,
The toxic forces of irrationality,
So it’ll consume,
LESS,
in society,

So we’ll,
further experience,
and newly discover,
new levels of capability,

And for one,
I would guess..
With MORE rational empathy,
We’ll MORE likely,
work together MORE CLEARLY,
For,
more true benefit and safety,
For always more,
And more,
of everybody..?

So,
As I’d guess,
we’ll be more likely,
To experience,
more fulfillingly,
And more likely,
To avoid,
Catastrophe

?

And even I feel I’m hopelessly dreaming..
?
Well,
I just thought,
These thoughts and feelings,
Are worth considering

What I learned from my parents,
was to question,
They taught me,
the importance of developing myself,
the way I see fit,
To be as fit,
in whatever ways that I most clearly,
As many of us seem to say,
“see fit”,

My parents taught me,
To seek my own truth,
Instead of trying to indoctrinate me into their beliefs,
Instead of trying so hard,
To make me into something I never gravitated towards,
My parents gave me,
Great additional freedom and privilege,
To the freedom and privilege,
I’ve already been granted,
Which has been fought for,
And passed down to me,
Regardless of any horrific imperfections..
Which must NOT be overlooked as well,
Which is ALSO why,
My parents taught me,
To QUESTION,
Quite well,

My parents taught me,
the importance of being kind to myself,
As a stepping stone for internally building,
and understanding how to be kind,
For also,
being kind to others,

My parents taught me,
the importance of being aware,
To avoid toxic systems of unawareness,

As for more emphasis,
My parents did their very best,
To make me equipped for protecting myself,
and stay my safest,
Instead of being what I view as a “victim”, a “sucker”,
Instead of being (as I say) a jerk,
Who just looks to join systems that kill, oppress,
torture and exploit others,

My parents taught me,
At least the importance,
Of being a sensitive,
peaceful person,
For myself,
and whichever sentient others,

My parents taught me,
That success,
Is so,
So much deeper,
Than my type of career,
Place of living,
Possessions,
Amount of material goods,
money,
Whatever harmful pseudo determinants of regarding ourselves as truly “worthy”,

My parents taught me,
Aside from their super-awesome supportive courage for me,
As opposed to what the school administration and pharmaceutical industry saw as “fit for me”,
That I’m instead,
a human being with real needs,
worthy of conscious consideration,
And,
If anything,
That my true essence,
Is far deeper,
Than my label level of “autism” (formally known as “Asperger’s Syndrome”),

Essentially,
As for some (if not all) of the the above stanzas,
My parents taught me,
That however I was judged,
categorized,
by whichever others or system,
My true nature,
As all ours are (according to me),
Is far deeper,
Far grander,
Than any institutional,
hierarchical,
Administrative,
Dismissive,
Categorization,

Although my parents,
are also human,
They taught me,
The importance,
Of staying safe,
in a dysfunctional system,
Of systems,
Of however more nuanced,
Interconnected different dysfunctional, individually limiting systems,

My parents taught me,
To have compassion,
To realize that,
although people may do evil,
When it comes down to it,
Underneath horrific evil behavior,
Somewhere,
Goodness,
Sentient oneness,
Can STILL be found,

My parents gave me,
Positive energy,
In a word dominated my suspicion, anger,
jealousy,
hate..
Whatever darkness others suffer from in themselves,
and inflict onto others,

My parents taught me,
To always be kind towards myself,
To remember,
That I’m also a human,
I’m also just AS important,
as any other,
“Very Important Person”,

As I said before in “words can’t describe”,
Words still cannot describe,
How grateful I am,
For the support, closeness, empathy and understanding my parents offered,
When most peers and whichever others,
judged,
dismissed,
excluded,
And did whatever harm towards me,

What my parents implicitly taught me,
WITHOUT TELLING ME,
Is how lucky,
I am to have them as parents,
Because if my parents were different,
(Similar to what I said in “Words Can’t Describe”),
Because I’m autistic,
I may have been shut down on medication,
Put in a special school,
Developed worse conditions,
and could have wound up,
in whichever very bad (however lucrative or not) institution(s),

Of course,
this,
Among any other potential horrifying misfortunes,
may still happen,
But regardless of my true success,
My parents,
really helped me,
And supported me,
In this experience,

What I learned,
from my parents,
Is how my behavior,
not only affects myself,
But all those around me,

Aside from all else that’s coming to me,
as I write this sincerely,
I’m grateful far beyond,
Any real,
Sincere,
Honest expression may clearly express,

To gratefully acknowledge,
The above stanzas,
are some of the many blessings my parents provided for me,
It’s what I’ve been blessed to have been taught to me,
AND,
The lessons I’ve been blessed,
I have took from their teaching, nurturing,
That may always help me,

And aside from my other post,
Regarding gratitude for my parents,
As you may have guessed,
This is another reason,
Why I feel,
To have been,

Profoundly,

Blessed,

Merry Christmas mom and dad,

Happy holidays,

To all

Are all our false selves,
Afraid of being judged by other,
false selves?

Are all our false selves,
Afraid of being manipulated and oppressed,
By other,
Unconscious,
Impulsive,
False selves?

Is the meaning of Christmas,
Being distorted and misinterpreted,
By our false selves?

Does the teachings of our true self,
Get distorted,
As they’re passed down,
From our false selves?

Must we be taking a clearer look,
at, Ourself?
True versus false..
Nihilistic versus realistic..?
Hedonistic versus pragmatic..?
Sadistic versus altruistic..?

Is our awareness of our actual selves..
Realistic?

What does this holiday really mean?
As for what we view and do,
With regard to,
Truer and truer,
Meaning?

Since it was not realized,
That..
I was damaged by,
what the insurance companies made my mom take (Phenergan),
to save themselves money instead of paying for the IV which would also (if not better) treated her morning sickness and would NOT have given me autism..

And since my condition..
Was not diagnosed or clearly realized until AFTER the 2.5 “Statute of limitations” period was over,
Since I STILL painfully struggle ongoingly with my condition..
Is it fair to me..
If I weren’t to sue to just get some kind financial assistance for survival..?

Since I have been contaminated by the mainstream fearful culture of apathy..
I still need,
To reread,
The US Constitution,
and then continue reading,
the next 17 amendments after the Bill of Rights,
But aside from the constitution,
Is “Statute of limitations”.. fair for ME!!?
Since I always suffer from this condition, whether it’s bullying, lack of support, resulting insecurity..

And since I’m honestly not out to judge or punish people,
Can those who damaged me,
To save money..
Still..
Help me..?
If ever I’m homeless.. In prison, a ward.. or wherever..?

Huh..

I still have often been feeling hopeless..

Incase I’m ever like freakin dying somewhere,
Can the insurance and I guess drug companies share,
Some monetary leftovers..?
Or for me,
Would it be over completely..?

Well..

Happy holidays,

My Christmas wish,
Is to have what I need,
Internally and/or externally,
To suffer less,
And I guess,
We could all use that?
Especially those who gave me this painful ongoing life mess..

Although if the inner roots of our problems go unchecked..
Well.. I’d guess..
we won’t solve them ever by seeking another check?
And well,
Although we probably know this,
I guess,
As for how we’re internally feeling,
Maybe most of us,
Especially myself,
Must,
do more checking??

As for advocating for myself,
I’ve been naturally conditioned by powerful mainstream unconscious impulsive forces,
To not investigate..

But regardless of what any law says,
I’ll still continue express myself,
Regardless of how well I advocate..

I’ll probably revise this,
Regardless,

Happy Holidays

Although I believe,
That we can,
Practice clearing ourselves internally,
To,
On whatever level,
clearly make proper,
clear,
Or clearer,
choices..
And/or,
Decisions,

Although I believe,
That even though I and I guess everyone,
No matter how distorted,
or misguided,
for “whatever reasons”,
Tries to make the best choices their present level of conscious awareness or unconscious awareness sees fit,

I believe that when it comes down to it,
Choices (or decisions),
Just happen,

So although we have control,
On a certain level,
On a deeper level,
We also,
Don’t have control,
Of our ability to choose our present level of control..

So I guess,
Although we can work on ourselves,
We can’t control,
Our control to continually cultivate what we can choose, decide, and/or control..
For example,

And
In my belief..
We can’t control,
what we decide,
to control,
To whatever level,
And therefore,
We can’t control,
What we decide to not control to whatever level,

Or I guess,
To use fewer,
Yet more implicitly deeper words,

In my belief,
We do have control,
And can’t control,
Whatever we happen to,
Or don’t,
Control

Although I’m not in a place of love,
And I guess I could start with myself,
?
At least..
I’m not in a place,
being tortured..

Although I’m in a dark place,
At least,
the place I’m in,
Is presently,
a nice sheltered,
Peaceful,
Civil,
Location..

And at least..
Although I’m feeling upset about my past,
At least..
It’s the past..

Although this is not what I prefer..
It could be..
WAY WORSE,

Although,
The anger,
judgment and disrespect,
people throw at me,
sometimes.. if not often.. everyday,
Makes it harder for me to not lose my shit,
And get in a deeper hole,
of horrifically painful bullshit,
Is NOT happening now,
Hasn’t happened in this life yet..
And..
Aside from my past,
Which may not have been as bad,
But was still pretty damn bad,
And even though I’m still mad,
And even though I’m around others who are also mad and sad,
Yet..
I would guess they haven’t had,
To overcome,
the same TYPE of obstacles as me,
And even though they STILL,
use my challenges against me..
It could be worse,
Evidently..

Although it sucks,
Although it’s far below preferable..
At least..
It could be..
way worse..

I still want to feel better,
But at least overall I’m feeling better than before,
At least,
I hope..
To experience more of what I prefer..

Too often than not,
I’m lacking the confidence,
For properly following a practice in a way I see fit,
as a viable way,
or practice..
To experience what I prefer to experience..
To arrive,
And sustain,
my preferred inner presence,
or..
feeling,
or..
clearness,
or..
satisfying awareness..

Although I can do this,
My autsistic history,
That has damaged my confidence,
Doesn’t help me sustain the confidence,
I NEED,
To experience,
more of what I PREFER,
to experience..

And even though,
I guess I must say that,
It could be worse,
Well,
I do NOT prefer this either,
Of course..

Still..

Could be worse..

Every day,
In whatever level of predictable to unpredictable way,
No team spirit,
And bad energy comes my way,

On worse than typical days,
I struggle to NOT react in life-threatening ways..
Maybe that’s hyperbole?
But honestly..
The bad energy just gets me..

And although I got my second write up for being late,
The lack of morale,
The lack of support to make what’s hard,
At least a little less hard.. I sometimes,
Just,
Freakin..
hate..

It’s a challenge,
For me,
Not being able to change,
The aggression, negativity,
Whatever levels and forms of bad energy,
Which I,
encounter..

Every..

Day..

Maybe my posts are “not good”,
Or.. “Not good enough”,

?

Yet,
As for saying,
writing,
Or expressing myself,
“clear enough”,
It never feels to be “enough”,

Sometimes I accept this feeling enough,
Other times it feels painfully rough,

My feelings and awareness will,
(Seemingly),
Always change,

So whatever I prefer to say,
Or rephrase differently,
Or more clearly,

May always change,

Regardless of how expected,

Or unexpectedly..

Even if anyone barely reads this..
At least I’m trying my best as I see fit,
In the physical form I’m in,
That of course,
Manifested from this energy of existence