I guess I must keep checking in,
With how I’m interpreting others various impressions,

How is this affecting me..?
What are they really trying to tell me..?

And am I really receiving that openly..?
Am I really looking that deeply..?
Or am I getting aggressive out of remaining insecurity..?

I guess,
I can always see more clearly ?

Although my parents will be gone,
the bullies will remain around,
hence,
as always,
I’ll have to deal more independently,
with the additional pain life throws at me

Maybe I don’t realize how narrowly I’m perceiving..(?),
maybe I just must once again shut my mouth..,
shit..,
I just hope for a better life,

Sometimes when I feel a need so say something..,
I guess I don’t see how I’m “crying wolf” obliviously..,

Guess I’m ready to receive more advice others always have for me…..

…….

I’ll “start somewhere”,
And end up..,
Yes..,
NOWHERE..,

Huhhh..,
I just don’t know how to play cards,
NOR utilize what I feel to have been dealt with..,

Oh well..,
Just gotta..,
“Keep my head up”..,

Yup

What did I screw up now..?
How did I again misunderstand..?
Who and how did I once again embarrass..?
How else will others judge me on the surface..?
What will I face as a result of this..?

I’m always starting somewhere,
Getting discouraged then winding up nowhere..,

Huhh..,
Must I go back into my reclusive juggling video filming shell..?
Must I always quit when social situations continue to go terrible..?
Must I view myself as others claim to view me..?
Must I only be around those labeled as autistically awkward as me..?
How will connecting with others who also struggle to connect really help us connect and/or plan out the blueprint for a beautiful friendship that’ll remain afloat!?

Welp..,
Sometimes the friendship wasn’t built invincible,
Sometimes hitting an iceberg becomes unavoidable..,
Sometimes turning against each other is all we see when stuff falls apart and sinks deeply..,
And although I can’t speak for everybody..,
Well..,
Sometimes,
I just must remind myself to lower my expectations in order to NOT be as disappointed when stuff once again does not work out,

And as for unfortunate inevitable present realities..,
Well..,
INSTEAD of adding to the misery by dwelling in negativity..,
INSTEAD of trying to fake positivity as all the negativity keeps building within me..,
Well..,
Maybe I can try to keep witnessing as whatever painful inner sensations inevitably pass..,
And instead of adding more pain through more resistance energy of what I can not change..,
Maybe I can increasingly find peace,
With peacefully noticing and accepting whatever pain happens to be passing,

And well,
I know this is NOT easy,
NOR have I been that inner peacefully successful evidently,
Yet,
Just thought I’d once again,
Try to share,
One attempt at understanding what I just may be experiencing,

And wherever I go,
However I put myself out there,
There just may always be a toxic energy thread that troubles me uniquely,
I just..,
Have to keep hanging in there..,
..,
Huhhhhhhhhh..,

And well,
For me..,
Various types of medication have exacerbated mood dysregulation,
And maybe I just need to chill and find peace,
Instead of always trying to come up with a deeper solution to whatever painful equation I feel I need to “solve”,

Huhh..,
Sometimes letting be,
Although it does NOT require I do anything other than notice..,
Still..,
Ain’t always easy,

Yet..,
I’ll keep trying to practice with techniques that I feel as most compatible for me,

And well,
I want to focus better on “being with” instead of “getting over with”,
Since if I’m always trying to “get stuff over with” throughout my whole life,
Will I really have obtained what I could have deeply attained and appreciated from it..?

So even if I often fail at it,
May I still at least can keep trying to find at least some inner peace in any moment,
And I guess the more clear and less weighed down I am internally,
The more I just may excel externally..,

?

And well,
I’ll keep going perpetually

Hey man so,
Even though I might have acted in ways that could have been concerning,
Such as being triggered by someone from my past,
Such as saying stuff I never meant yet may have came across differently..,
Well,
After helping me peacefully resolve that with the other guy who apologized,
And even though I got angry about the karate kid who felt he “didn’t do shit to me”..,
Among whoever else I feel decided to use my autism against me by bullying me..,
Well,
I appreciate that you STILL welcome me back,

Even AFTER I may have stumbled off track,
Thank you for sincerely having my back,

And yeah,
Even though I might often be quiet and in my own world,
In a world comprised of many others with different worldviews,
Well,
I want to thank those like you,
For including me,
UNLIKE so many that I feel just will never understand me,
Nor will ever consider welcoming me..,

Although at times I may appear as a “liability”,
Still..,
Thank you for reminding me,
That if I look hard enough,
There are still those,
Who welcome me as being me,
EVEN in my home community,

And regardless of that,
Well,
Thanks for always helping me feel welcome

If I express myself to the WRONG person..,
If I get fooled into trusting them,
If they’re the last who want to tolerate me YET are unable to ACT peacefully and rationally..,
Eventually,
It may just be (kinda like that scene from that TV show I’ll try not to spoil..),
“hi Zach, bye Zach”,
And then it’ll be over..,
So quickly..,
So tragically..,

So yes,
I must develop and continually sharpen social survival awareness,
amongst those I trust,
who are understanding,
and safely conscious,

I must sustain,
Social survival awareness

(Source/Spoiler Alert: Scene from “The Sopranos”, Season 1, Episode 4 (I think..), I hope this is the correct video link: https://youtu.be/AeuOYCG5PD4)

Although certain ideas sound fancy,
Am I practicing what I claim to believe in,
In a way that sufficiently helps me..?

As the waves of intense emotions pass through me,
Am I really peacefully witnessing and NOT destructively reacting..?

Just another question I feel continually worth asking

Instead of wasting energy,
From painfully expecting an apology from someone who will never feel a need to give me one,

Instead of expecting an apology from someone who I can’t ever discover one within nor sufficiently extract out of,

Instead of expecting an apology from someone,
Who’s long gone,
And may have so much more external power than me,

The best I feel I can do,
Is,
Work to clear more of the toxic energy,
That continues to limit me

I’m not tech savvy,
Slow but if you give me a chance I’ll contribute eventually..,
Oh yes,
Autism,
social obliviousness and failure to perform under pressure has shattered confidence that could have beautifully manifested within and out of me,

Well..,
I’ll keep going perpetually,

Guess there’s always some complications thrown at me

?