Sane as can Be

Using my learning “disabilities” against me is easy, You’ll know once you “know” me, Once you “feel” me, Including characteristics such as low confidence and high anxiety.. It’ll be easy, You’ll have the choice to “seize the opportunity”, And feel like a winner instead of a “weirdo” or whatever words in this context you may feel as “deserving” judgments towards me, Maybe it’s not you, the reader, who I’m referring to? As for unpredictable bad energy, I try to remember to respond safely, Welp.. I worry, since one characteristic of “autism” is “intense emotional reactivity” there’s no comforting guarantee,

I’ll give you the “benefit of the doubt” since you’re “keeping it real” with me, Since we’re interdependent, struggling, and since that empathic kind honesty isn’t always easy, I’m sure you “paid attention” better than me, Was it rewarding or am I falsely assuming? The “big picture” I struggle understanding even if it’s painted and broken down “perfectly”, I struggle with words and may give others the wrong impression by trying to tell them what I see, What does it really mean to “pay attention”? Honestly.. No matter what I write you’ll never really know my story, I’ll never truly know your experience either similarly,

When I’m out in public I must be on guard, Too often I’ve been stepped on, Too often I haven’t been fit for survival of the “fittest”,

I’m a sucker for others by trying to prove I’m not a quitter, I often prefer being false to myself instead of remaining as a loner, My awareness is clouded by my ego who can’t help being a “loser”, How does this get better?

I must get better at “surrendering, accepting, peaceful inner healing, detaching, untangling and releasing”, A personally suitable order I’m still discovering.. among everything.. I intend for the quotes to be open to any types of interpreting.. same with all my writing..

I hope to get better at letting go of assuming what others are thinking so I can better appreciate present experiencing, I’m still trapped in identity clinging!! Achievement fixating, ego validating..

I still want this poem to prove I know something!! I still want my ideas to be worth considering!! Shit!! Even if I’m full of shit, Maybe a little bit in here is worth it ?You decide how or not to use it against me,

I’ll try to stay as sane as I presently can be,

Some stuff I learned is that if you’re predisposed to anxiety baseball is not the sport for you, capitalism won’t likely help you, and if you feed it, the obsessive compulsive mind will trap you, and you’ll be told “you can’t blame anyone but you”, I don’t fucking know what’s really true..? I practiced hard playing baseball and I still was one who got cut out of two!!!!! But “it’s my fault”, It’s all my fucking “fault”, You “can’t fix what doesn’t need fixing”, so as for my history in the system I must stop “blaming” because “in no way” I’m a victim, I know nothing, Including sarcasm speaking due to receiving a lot of it in combination with learning challenges which made shit more confusing, I still need confidence of healing past abuse receiving, If not medication I may be forced to take, Unless I can better let go and stay more awake..

I don’t have a conclusion but I believe that I concluded for myself that what comes next or last is not necessarily a deeper part.. My mind and heart often wanders into non-sequiturs..

One connection I wish to remember is that:

Although many struggle to stay informed since they’re overworked, politics still greatly effects how long as well as conditions in which we work, Although we may “just care about” showing up for work, We have an impact on how our experience works,

Covid didn’t do much of changing consciousness as far as I’ve witnessed..

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