The more I expect, The less I accept, I still insatiably cling to clarity and depth.. but my seeking turns into overthinking,
Present “accepting” just turns into analyzing.. Then it becomes overthinking which even more inhibits my awareness for experiencing, This just keeps happening,
I know knowing isn’t the same as doing and practicing, I failed at disciplining my mind to settle tonight, I’m not sleeping and don’t feel alright, I’d be asleep now if I would have let the thoughts be, instead of choosing to fight, Thanks to the film Hereditary and autism I once again sleep with a night light.. Fuck you and your mean judgments, No not you, You know who I’m talking to as well as context too.. At least I trust you do..
Well.. My obsessive compulsive mind makes me more concerned about how stuff is done instead of what I’m doing, This really takes away from experiencing, All these rules are so fucking limiting, It’s thought clinging, Ego fixating.. I didn’t discipline myself to lay in bed out of my comfort zone in the dark.. Yep.. At the beaches it’s hard to go in the water because of this predictable rhyme.. SHARKS..
(Well.. it’s plural and my OCD wants the rhyming syllables to be spelled exactly the same or whatever.. and me explaining this is OCD and another reason why many don’t like me.. so fuck you if you’re one of them).
Anyway.. Since my ego wants a thought that’s “perfect” and “validating”, My ego wants a thought for never having to think again,
I must say again.. it’s infinite, therefore, never perfect.. since there’s always more.. So the “answer” to existing or the “meaning” of life is, NEVER ENDING (and never beginning for that matter), It’s never beginning or ending on any end,
There’s always something more, beyond any wall or enclosure, But I’m still obsessively compulsively clinging to an attachment for that one “final” achievement, instead of being present in the moment, It’s not rational, Just my ego’s usual.. obsessive compulsive impulsive clinging.. My awareness is too distracted by validation.. It’s the fucking mind..
I know I’m also increasing my vulnerability to medication, Although mania sometimes helps with writing, sleep deprivation is pushing it.. If I lose it, and if a dysfunctional system tries to fix it, I just want to remember that.. wherever I’m at,
I can still go within, regardless of wherever I’m forcibly taken, Whatever place I’m in, I can cultivate peace within,
Speaking for the world we live in, If the dominant unconscious forces win, If unconsciousness blinds me within, All I can think of is that, I hope more and more continue to awaken, I’m not awake now, All I can do, Is my best, To be with, Whatever I witness, Right now,
Being is already being, so I don’t need to externally achieve anything since appreciating the moment is not mental achievement clinging, but mere appreciating of what is happening, So since life happens in the present, To get the most out of life, I must be present, It does not matter about future achievement, It does not matter whether or not I’m “autistic”, What comes first, Is being present.. As well as getting comfortable out of my comfort zone and it’s still dark out.. so.. as for me..
Once again I’m freaking the fuck out.. I might regret posting this.. Thank you to those who subscribed!!
But I don’t need to worry since.. unfortunately.. most probably.. barely anyone’s gonna read this.. But that’s just the ego.. As we know.. We can just have fun and let go.. Yep feeling better..
As for horror movies or whatever, I’m lucky I have a choice of level of exposure and have become aware of how to respond to build a level of character,
As for mania, I don’t need that or anything unhealthy and risky to my sanity or physical body for writing at the highest of my abilities.. regardless of this poem..
The lights are back on.. once I put my phone down I didn’t feel like continuing on.. well it was a small step to get back where I was of the lights being off.. And if you judge me FUCK OFF!!
Thanks for reading