Then What?

If doing all I can to survive makes me miserable,
Then what?

If I don’t find a good union,
If my supervisor dismissively mistakes my learning and emotional challenges as laziness,
Then what?

If I’m not on the same page with friends,
If they treat me like shit,
If they’re all and the best I can find,
Then what?

If I realize my life isn’t going anywhere,
Then what?

If I get economically stuck in a needed job for survival which I can’t tolerate,
Then what?

If I’m looking to be heard and if people just give me advice that I already know or just tell me to shut up,
Then what!?

If I lose emotional control,
and if my forced psychological treatment from others who don’t adequately understand or “feel me” puts me in a deeper hole,
Then what?

If I develop a terminal illness due to years of forced psychological treatment in order to remain in control,
Or due to blocking out painful emotion through a bad diet or substance abuse since it would be all I know how to do, and since it’s what I’d be used to seeing others do..
Then what?

If everyone cuts me off because I become too much to handle,
Then what?

If I’m on the verge of a breaking point already,
And if life “throws” way, way more at me,
Then what?

If I get trapped in any situation with ZERO control..

If I sincerely ask “then what” and if they don’t trust me then aggressively say “YOU KNOW WHAT!!”,

If they threaten to torture me,

If they take away my freedom,

Ideally speaking,
I can try to accept anything until it’s eventual passing,
But just saying..
Finding my needs,
With my greater challenge is a greater challenge I do NOT look forward to especially given the level of pointless shit I already experienced,

And since life has not yet “thrown a lot at me”,
How can I expect to survive “typically” independently,
Given my atypical adversity..

I’m trying writing for a blog,

So even if I get practically no needed success to make enough money to support myself,
Even if my book never gets published,
At least what I have on my blog so far,
Shows that I exist..

Since I’m even greater challenged,
Since it’s hard enough to have a sober, happy, peaceful time for me..
Since I may be surrounded by others with similar and different brutal inner and external adversity who may mostly not be putting the same effort to improve their situation as me..

Finding my needs,
May be brutally challenging..

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s