I think?

I haven’t yet revised this but still felt an obsessive need to, for now, upload this,
I think?

Second guessing holds me back a lot,
I think?

My trauma made my already worse conditions hold me back even more painfully,
I think?

If I politely ask someone “if you think” I should do something and if they respond by saying “do you think”,
I think they’re being aggressively sarcastic to make me feel worse about myself and less confident so they could feel more secure themselves,
Or maybe if they “ask” the rhetorical question in this case, “DO YOU THINK!?”,
Maybe it could be an emergency and they’re trying to get me to clearly think,
Or expression anger, about my anxiety inhibiting my awareness for me and whoever others, or both, or whatever, or who knows since I can never know for sure,
I think?

I wonder what reading this may cause others to think?
Maybe they’ll think I’m giving OCD too much control over my writing?
Maybe they’ll find my use of words too EXCESSIVE and too INEFFICIENT..
Maybe they’ll tell me to BE MORE CONFIDENT even if they know I know that,
Maybe they’ll want to give me more advice, while knowing I don’t want to hear it, and or knowing I already received the same advice countless times that I’m just DONE with it,
Maybe they’ll NOT respect my writing and just tell me I’m “full of shit”,
I’m not sure if those who give me mean, disrespectful, scathing and unhelpfully critical really get it?
As for having my level of autism,
Did they really experience it?
If they didn’t and if they don’t try to FEEL what I’m saying as opposed to merely surfacely understanding it..
I doubt they’ll adequately emphasize with it,
I think?

No matter what I say here,
And no matter what truth I describe,
No matter their level of insight and ability to give off compassion,
Maybe they still won’t do it,
Maybe they’re sick of it,
I think?

Maybe they’ll be irritated that ending each stanza with “I think” doesn’t flow well,
Maybe they’ll be even more irritated since I admit it, deeply, clearly understand it, yet STILL do it,
I think?

Maybe they think I’m unjustifiably excusing it?
I think?

Maybe even after each question I need to ask here, for the poem and my obsessive requirements if I asked the right question? That was just an obsessive justification,
I think?

I try to clearly think and use words as efficiently as I can,
So I can be HEARD the by others the clearest I can,
And the clearest they can hear me to phrase that different make a point similarly,
I think?

I’m having so, so much thoughts I feel obsessive pressure to write,
And I feel pressure to share the same thoughts only if I can express them more concisely and therefore clearer,
However,
This pressure take me out of the present by taking my attention away from what I can presently appreciate,
At least I’m getting off of my chest through writing what I hate,
I think?

Another random thought I feel obsessive compulsive pressure to share,
Is the truth that I can have the deepest heart to heart with someone,
the biggest agreement about how you can’t trust others and talk about past falling outs and tell that person about having a heart to heart,
yet that relationship to whatever degree of expectedly or unexpectedly still fell apart,
And that same person can still tell me that I have a “lot to offer”,
They may say “you’re a great writer”,
And they may tell me “you will become like those you hang around”,
And they may tell me “choose friends wisely because you can’t trust so many”,
Yet no matter how infinitely deep in infinite ways our friendship or heart to heart with that person may be,
Our friendship may still fall apart,
BRUTALLY,
I think?

The same friend who taught me so, so much truth,
May be the same friend I have a brutal “falling out” with,
I think?

However,
I’ll still value the goodness that came through that bad experience forever,
And even if it brutally ended forever,
I can still keep with me,
The goodness that person offered me,
In whatever form to whatever degree,
Forever,
I think?

I ask “I think” obsessively to post another post,
To try to sound as humble as presently believe I and everyone should,
No matter how “good” or “great” they became,
I think?

So,
No matter how much, how deep and/or clear we admit our greatness,
We’re still responsible to make others feel good and make it easier to alleviate any form of pain, such as envious sadness,
I THINK?

Even though I may go on and on in infinite directions in infinite depths or heights with these questions,
I feel I have asked enough questions,
I think?

My obsessive compulsiveness is giving me inner discomfort and sadness for obsessively focusing on how much “I think,”,
I think?

Even though I already implied I don’t need to keep asking it,
And/or ending each stanza with it,
Obsessive compulsiveness is continually giving me shit,
I think?

I think I don’t need to ask it again but still feel stuck in the obsessive force to do so..
I think?

Okay.. I really hope this is the last time,
I think?

I really believe or wish that, as with all my writing, infinite new important thoughts, or important feelings, may arise and expand in infinite important directions,
I think?

Wow..
Like I learned at my job orientation,
“Perfection is unhealthy”..
That might be paraphrased and I doubt I need to cite it since it’s common knowledge..
I think?

Well..
I would guess that perfection is unhealthy because it’s rules take out attention away from needed spontaneity, creating EXCELLENT creativity, and clearly thinking to attain sufficient or EXCELLENT ways of being.. Which are some reasons why I believe the place I went to orientation at values “excellence”,
I think?

I prefer to NOT cite that, I don’t think I do,
I prefer NOT to disclose where I work,
I believe it’s my right of privacy to,
And I believe I’m allowed to write and included whatever I did,
I think?

Also,
If there’s any non-sequiturs,
Maybe I’ll come back and revise this way more,
However I’m glad I got to write this,
I think?

Aside from all else I’m not proud about and/or feel bad about,
I’m grateful I can say,
Completing this is something I feel appreciative and good about,
I think?

And yes,
I think,
My thinking,
If not in excess, may help mine and may (if not already) sufficiently assist others as much as I’m required to assist them for my own needs of integrity and whatever they need help that may come from me,
I think?

Today as I was driving down a parking lot street,
A woman at a stop sign to my right almost pulled out and collided with me,
I got offended,
Looked at her as she angrily looked at me,
I got more offended,
Gave her the finger ragefully,
She reciprocated furiously,
After passing her,
I stopped, backed into the nearest opening in the largely vacant parking lot,
Drove to where she was parking in front of “Aldi”,
Then as I stopped I lowered my window,
Yelled out “F YOU!!”
Then as I pulled out of the lot to make a right turn,
A man who saw me yell profusely,
A man who missed the context and hasn’t heard anything about my painful life story,
Gave me a look so judgmental as if he thought I was the “devil”,
I think?

Yep..
I just spiraled into sharing that even though I didn’t plan on it,
Since I knew I’d just experience more of it,
Because I’ve written so much about it,
I think you can guess whatever else is needed to sufficiently describe it,
So I’ll stop excessively explaining it,
I think,

I guess,
To verify anything we experience, or in this case think,
We can always ask,
“I think”,
To double, triple, or however more certain we want to be,
I think?

And I guess,
Truthfully,
Since we exist on the surface,
Aside from that belief of mine,
We can’t totally be EXACTLY certain about anything,
Which may take pressure off from discovering all there is or enough to discover?
I think?

I also think learning in however form can go on forever,
I think?

And regardless of numbers and superstitions,
I think I will now end this,
I think?

I’m not sure if and when I’ll revise this post,
Such as including more stanzas that end with, “I think”,
I’m not sure if I’ll delete this post,
Or however change it,
I think,

Well,
I’m still trying among all my inner resistance,
I believe for the dark moments,
I still have and can attain more of,
Needed resilience,
I think?

Even though I may not have expressed this enough,
I believe what I posted here is still good enough,
I think?

Also,
Although I try to obsessively not use autocorrect,
Although I try not having the computer correct me with spell check,
I still do NOT think I need to obsessively re-write the words or if it grammatically corrects me,
I don’t think I need to obsessively find a different phrase,
Since I could’ve also thought of that regardless if it told me before,
As one reason..
Same if someone suggests I used a different word..
Regardless, these are only some examples..
But,
Writing is about sharing anyway,
And I do NOT think I did anything immoral here anyway,
I think?

Of course I have more..
It’s okay if I’m around those who disagree with me, who have different beliefs or see existence different than me,
As long as their beliefs do NOT cause me pain excessively!
As long as their beliefs do NOT cause them to give harm to me!
They can believe whatever they like,
But they must not cause suffering to themselves and me,
Aside from my belief that it doesn’t heal the causes and that it doesn’t help me see clearly,
I think?

I think anyone I trust can act unexpectedly unpredictable,
Even if I see it coming,
I think it is crucial I consistently practice self-control to avoid as much trouble as possible,
I still unfortunately may struggle for survival,
I think?

I wish for it to feel better,
I think?

I don’t “think”,
I know,
Even though,
“What does it TRULY mean to ‘know’?”
I think?

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