Still Earning, Unconditionally Deserving

My superiors,
always hold me to standards, Which I often assume..
Have always been and always are way easier for them to meet,
I try so hard,
Yet always feel beat,

I keep going regardless of the level I predict painful defeat,
Staying more and more true to my beliefs I try to more consistently repeat,

As for good spirit,
I do my best to earn it,
I feel I,
Deserve it,

Although I’m part of it,
I deserve to feel as much as I can of it,
To the most of my capability in any present,

I don’t know how much clearer I need to describe this..?
For one,
When there’s no pressure whatsoever,
I express or use words WAY better,

Therefore,
If it’s always the less pressure,
The clearer we are internally for clearly emanating our expression externally,
And if I know that what I’m going to express will go and may remain publically,
There will always be some level of pressure in me whenever and wherever I’m at in the process of crafting, building or however I’m working on what I plan to expressively display publicly..
To the emotional, judgmental, harshly critical world outside of me,

So I guess expressing myself,
In whatever form,
Unless it’s recorded without my knowing,
Or assuming my awareness may always “predict” recording or somehow capturing for storing or archiving when it’s literally occuring assuming it’s not the paranoid part of me,
That I’ve suffered from immensely.. and May again knowing me..?

Not to worry,
But the point is,
The best, clearest expression of my overall capability,
May be expressed where barely anyone (if anyone) gets to see,

And if the external always produces some form of pressure in me,
Well,
Maybe the clearest expression,
such as a clearly worded realization,
May never exactly manifest out of me exactly as it occurred in me,

And of course,
I try so hard with carrying so much inner weight making it so much harder and since others may not see it and therefore won’t relate,
They may NOT feel I’m trying to earn what I need,
They may NOT feel I deserve what I need,

But I know I’m trying to earn more peace, happiness and good spirit,
And I still feel that I deserve more of this,

I feel that to be aware of the bad to know or experience good,
I guess I could,
Still NOT be required to experience the “bad”,
At least NOT excessively, brutally bad..?

To understand the exact opposite end of a spectrum,
I don’t feel you always have to experience the exact opposite painful other end of the spectrum,
So if I was have the best time I ever had, and never experienced the opposite but felt I had to, I would then be frightened of what’s to come,
Or maybe the way I worded that didn’t make sense but was just dumb..
I also try to avoid regressing into states that are too unaware and/or numb..
And although I believe I used that rhyme before..
I still try to always make better efficient word usage,
Even if it entails using words or rhyming syllables I feel important better..
Sorry if I got too sidetracked..
I’ll try to get back and remain on track..

Okay so as for me deserving what I deserve, while going through the day,

I must inwardly understand how to be clear to externally clearly avoid danger..
I must be aware of more detail so I can clearly tell how to presently and for the long term,
Feel well,

Finding and sticking to good health options in an emotionally painful environment on your own for me,
Hasn’t often been going sufficiently well..

Quickly lifting my spirits to block out more (never all) inner pain for working as hard as I’m required to work,
and staying as focused as I’m required to stay focused,
and getting enough sleep I must get,
And remaining as calm and as in control as I must remain,
When others who are also struggling in pain can’t stand my learning, social and emotional challenges,
Regardless of how much they understand but still..,
Can’t stand me and displace their pain on me since I have ZERO power and ZERO authority over anybody..
Maintaining my own self-control and sanity with all that builds in me often feels for me,
Impossible to internally heal, cleanse or clear healthily,
So I’ll try to “fix myself quickly” to “wake myself and my spirits” up through excessive (now I try getting more sugar free) Red Bull, Monster or whatever boost of energy,
And I’ll take sleeping pills like seroquel..
To stay on track,

And while knowing I’m destroying myself by blocking out all the pain that has built up in me from my level of autism,
I’ll become more cynical,
I’ll become more fearful of destroying my health and destroying my life even more..,
And since I talked about this in my post “All I Ask”,
I still struggle like I have before and before .. similar to what I said in my post as the title states that there’s “Always More”..
So since I have,
In certain ways,
Try harder to remain more typically on a “typical” life track,
All I ask,
Again,
Is that since I feel I’m still trying to earn more and more,
I still feel I deserve more and more,

And well,
With my emotions I still miss lots of detail,
And well,
I hope somehow.. (although describing this process in great microscopic exact detail might not be necessary now..),
I hope that..
Or wish that,

Of course,
With proper knowledge and support,
I wish that doing good,
Causes me to receive more good,

Whether that’s creating good energy, causing it to be more likely that those around me will respond more helpfully..
Whether my good awareness will contribute to others helping my consciousness due to wanting to give forth as a result of them feeling appreciative of my good helpfulness..

Since it’s called “good”,
We all want to feel good,
I would guess,

Yes,
I would guess,
We all try to feel good even if our natural environments have made us unaware and bad.. Which can be very sad,
But in my belief,
Since we all come from energy that in one of the manifesting ways, manifests in beings who want a good experience,
Although we may need to practice at VERY different levels to attain the same level,
our entitlement to it remains unconditional,
(Obviously in my opinion regardless that it may not always come across as humble.. but please benefit me with your doubt, I try NOT to write for clout (I obsessively chose to use that rhyme..), since although I fail, I always try and still have and carry lots of painful struggle),

Also,
If I ever need words,
Or whatever means of expression,
Or particular energy,
Or impression for survival,
Then the more I follow a TRUSTWORTHY practice that’ll help me grow,
The more equipped I’ll be for survival,

(It’s hard feeling too alone and not adequately supported and joined in this effort by most around me though..)

And of course with my atypically higher emotional and learning challenges that have worsened over the years due to all my challenges,
I know MORE THAN EVER,
How important it is for myself to practice good spirit,
Peaceful alertness and awareness for not only to experience a sufficient or best possible experience,
but for me to continue manifesting in my present physical form of existence,
Regardless,
Aside from working towards,
I always wish for a better feeling experience,

And in my belief,
We can open up to what we may need or what may help us experience the best,
Without needing great pain,
But through adequate trustworthy support along a path of opening,
Of course,
Subsequent to initially discovering,

If ever faced with whatever level of pain,
In my belief,
We’ll always NEED proper teaching and support,
If it’s healing, opening, and utilizing what we’re experiencing.. or whatever is the best way(s) of describing, that of which we seek to attain and perpetually increase and sustain,

Speaking for myself (as always),
Yes..
I know I struggle at doing this,
However,
I’m trying to continuing earning good spirit,
Yet I feel I always deserve it..

Also,
If I’m forming thought connections and my connections go off in wrong and/or circuitous directions,
I may create excessive thoughts or grow my head LARGER than it needs to be speaking figuratively..
For one,
As I mentioned in my post “Head”,
When I was an infant,
My head did grow disproportionately large due to trying to correct itself..

As for over-thinking, over-explaining, over-analyzing or over-anything.. I’m working on conserving, organizing, and however correcting,

Well..

As the title says,
I’ll say it anyway,

I feel I’m always,
Still earning,
Always deserving,

Of course,
Good and everlasting improving experiencing,

And whenever I revise a post..
Somehow,
I’m always finding more to add and somehow change..,
So something I wish to attain is obviously less overall obsessiveness perfectionist inhibiting my creativity,

And since in my belief,
New ideas are infinite and in my belief each new I idea can be infinitely expanded,
Such as in infinite depth, clearness or height,
Such as that idea..
So I feel I deserve less painful impulses to always feel a need to create a new post to discuss any new or clearer ideas.. etc..

And now,
although I have lots more to say..
I’ll try to explain less obsessively..
I’ll just end with to emphasize my belief that,

I’m still earning,

Always, or..


Unconditionally deserving,

Thanks again so much,
For reading 🙏

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