Not Fine to Me

As always, I struggle with hypersensitivity,

They say “you seem fine to me”,
but as for what I feel and see,

I must say..

Being innately hypersensitive and a slow learner and having that made worse by others who didn’t see me positively and chose to use my struggles against me did not seem “fine to me”,

Carrying all these judgments from others who tell me “you seem fine to me” because they assume because I’m special that I get “special treatment” when in reality I’m excluded, rarely hired, rarely invited, occasionally threatened, frequently excluded does not seem “fine to me”,

Due to all my painful experiences and various forms of brutally low confidence due to how others treated me that still against my present will sticks with me and causes me to immensely struggle to not lose control over the smallest, most microscopic aggression that creates my life ending explosion does not seem “fine to me”,

Becoming dependent on medication to lift my spirits out of all my past pain, present sadness and future hopelessness in environments harmful to me that I feel stuck in does not seem “fine to me”,

Worrying I’ll screw up then having that interferes even more with my challenges at “seeing the big picture” causing me to screw up EVEN MORE causing other perfectionists using that against me to exacerbate my obsessive compulsive insecurity DOES NOT SEEM “FINE TO ME!!!!”

And when I’m doing great then get reprimanded due to a petty complaint then regress back into that brutally low confident state well..
That does not seem “fine to me!!”

Seeing others happily enjoy their company while they act defensive, aggressive and intolerant of me does not seem “fine to me”,

Fearing that I’ll die painfully as a result of others not wanting to include me does NOT seem “fine to me”..

Of course I can go on infinitely with what does not seem “fine to me”,

But as for others who tell me “you seem fine to me”.. well I see it differently,
Especially because they’re not me,
Don’t know me or my experiences nearly as equally,
And when I try to briefly inform them about my struggles that I feel they need to hear,
In order to advocate for myself, to take care of myself,
When they dismissively say,
“You seem fine to me”,
Making me feel like “I have nothing to be upset about based on what I experienced..”,

Well..

That just does NOT seem fine to me

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