Not Yet

When I’m alone by myself in a home my isolation brings up painful OCD making me NOT comfortable in my “comfort zone”,
Yet others assume not working must be “heaven” to people like me,
Yet with how it’s going now,
The job I’m learning is still where I’d rather be,
Especially due to my LONG term needs,
But as for the shorter term,
As for what I’m struggling to adapt to and learn,
Although I can’t possibly write everything I want since thoughts, feelings, and whatever are constantly passing me..
I’d still like to say that,

Usually when I follow what most tell me they believe is right I don’t feel right,
It too often doesn’t feel,
it doesn’t feel right,

?

Most tell me “you’ll be alright”,
But why is it that I often feel far less than right!?
This doesn’t feel right..

?

Of course I try to do the best at what I feel I should,
But I feel I could feel a lot better,
So something,
Or..
A lot,
Doesn’t feel right..

?

..

At the start of my day a lady politely asked me,
“Hey excuse me, may you scan this for me? I want to know the price”,
And since it’s not my job to do that,
and since I’m new and didn’t know exactly what to tell her where to check so she’d more likely remember,
I told her,
“sorry I don’t have a scanner”,
Then she aggressively,
grammatically INCORRECTLY expressed to me,

“WOW!! THEY DON’T HAVE NOTHING TODAY!!”,

Then,
She angrily strolled along the way as I exclaimed “I’m new!!”,
And as I predicted,
Due to whatever she was going through that I couldn’t see through..
She robotically ignored me,
Causing me to feel the disrespect and distracting need to write,
Since how she reacted to me just,
DID NOT FEEL RIGHT,

After that I got the confidence to ask an employee hesitantly if I could and/or if one or any others could,
“kick her out?”,
Then after repeating to him what exactly she said to me,
After he shook his head firmly,
he responded with no empathy or worker/team comradery by telling me,
“No. You can’t kick her out”,

Although I’m still accountable to make the energy in my work environment helpful,
And although in my belief two wrongs don’t help us discover how to attain and maintain what is more right,
Honestly,
If others aren’t “PC” to me,
That doesn’t help me respond with helpful, less aggressive, less defensive, less escalating energy,
Seriously!!

I try to respect others who are different than me,
but I have problems when I feel that certain INDIVIDUALS do not reciprocate fairly,
So no,
Aside from those who are nice,
Unlike many others,
such as the woman who wanted to know the price..,
And although the customer is always, “ALWAYS RIGHT”
I struggle controlling myself when my hypersensitivity makes me feel that TOO MUCH for me doesn’t feel right,

So after it was clear to the coworker I was upset such as when I said,
“I just wanted to make sure”,
As the coworker was walking away he briefly nodded his head,
then instantly dismissed what I said,

I’ll say it again.. although “the customer is always right”,
Although I AGREE that there’s TOO much wrong on the planet Earth evidently,
Still, it doesn’t seem right when individuals treat me with an excessive self-entitled victim mentality..
I wish we could make it more valued to cultivate more helpful,
clear energy so we can make personal and world,
existential progress more helpful for ANY environment we’re in that’s inevitable such as while we’re in hectic retail environments that entail producing NEEDED resources for surviving..

Hence, I believe, the more clear we are internally, the clearer we’ll safely ADVANCE in any needed areas externally..,

And even though I have autism,
Even though I react more to the same level of meanness in an environment that claims to not discriminate to those on a “spectrum” like me..
Well..
Although SOME are nice,
I still feel they wouldn’t prefer to invite or be around me..
and since this is one of,
if not the best work environments available to me,
To attain and sustain the most of my short and LONG term needs..

Today,
(or yesterday (speaking for the time I now revising this..)),
I risked my life by trying to take stuck cardboard of the cardboard “baler and compactor”,
and didn’t realize I had to push the red button to shut it off so it doesn’t accidentally turn on and kill me so I don’t end up on “1,000 Ways to Die”, etc, etc,

After a coworker yelled at me for my safety,
by yelling to me something like,
“YOU CAN’T BE IN THERE”, Although later I saw another coworker go in there leaving the button on,
And although another guy told me the machine is somehow NOT designed for that to happen,
so,
if anything,
me dying that kind of frightening death might just be one and a million.. ?

And when I turned the “baler and compactor” on and used it again,
it got jammed,
then I yelled something like.. “AHHHHH!!”
then kicked some yet to be compressed boxes and the coworker was like,
“Are you alright??”
And I was like “NO!!”
Then he was like “Why!?”
Then I was like
“Because I broke it and I’m going to get fired!!”,
And he’s like
“no you didn’t, you just have to do this” and he moved the start button up, or did something I overlooked that was so easy and would’ve prevented that burst of crazy energy..
And then once he finished,
the compactor finished compacting..

Then I’m like..

“Oh I see”
Then as I somewhat predicted he said,
“You’ll be fine”..
and I think I said out of my need for honesty..
“We’ll see”,
Then he exclaimed,
“Relax!”
As if I could just press a “relax button” like the one on the “baler and compactor”..
So yes he did teach me a VERY IMPORTANT SAFETY PRECAUTION about the garbage/recycling machinery, even if I now have worse paranoia,
insecurity due to my stupidity manifesting in more OCD..,
and whatever of my usual, “atypical” inner difficulty so I’m STILL not relaxed unfortunately..,

However I thank him for looking out for my safety,
Even if he doesn’t like me..,

And still,
According to what I assume about how others view me..,
I’m “NOT allowed” any “victim mentality”,

With all my challenges,
that have become exacerbated,
Although I want to believe others are right,
And hope they’ll help me feel more right,
Well,
Lots just does NOT seem right,
Including my hypersensitivity,
Which,
If I could just stop automatically,
Since that’ll make it WAY easier,
I WOULD OBVIOUSLY!!

I slightly non-harmfully lose control and I’m then told I like I was by a guy who I was loading shopping carts for that I need “thick shin to work here”,
yet I’ve always tried to have “thick skin” to deal with inevitable difficulty especially from others I assume to have “thicker skin” such as the guy who I was helping at the register, who’s a cool social person, who also got angry at my for helping unload customer’s carts onto the conveyor belt after he told me,
“no you’re supposed to stay over there”,
Then I’m like,
“They told me to also help them load onto the cart”,
And he’s like “Stay over there guy!”
And I’m like “but they told me to do both”,
And he’s like
“Stay over there guy!!”
And I’m like
“Yes, I know I’m supposed to help load carts, but if I’m not at that moment they told to help unload them onto the conveyor belt”..
Then he’s like,
“MAH BAD”,
Even though he was clearly mad..

And I was mad that I felt I was making people’s day harder due to having autism since once again,
Although where I work is considered one of the “best places to work” in the US if you research it .. (maybe I’ll look for a source later.. but just because I’m struggling here, does not mean most would to the same or a similar degree OBVIOUSLY),

However,
If I could just instantly have thick skin,
Feel and get more wins..
WHY would I NOT choose to have that!!?
Not saying that’s what anyone was saying,
But why would I NOT choose to have it if I can just instantly attain it!!?
Aside from my appreciation of the people who have confidence in me,
Even though they somehow imply or tell me explicitly,
“You’ll be fine, You’ll see”,

Well..

With all I carry with me,
That has built in me,
That prevents me to see or respond clearly and effectively even to any level of expected or unexpected adversity,
When I check in,
internally,
feeling fine is often not what I see and feel..
I have lots to untangle..
And I continue to feel like I excessively struggle,
Yet I feel I must still adequately consistently do this which includes, While I’m in environments in which I greatly struggle,

And AGAIN,
since I hear this is one of the “best places to work”, especially as for long term NEEDED benefits,
If I feel for me that EVEN this environment is harmful or an overall inadequate benefit,
For me,
That’s not a good sign, is it?
OF COURSE IT ISN’T!!

Sometimes my judgmental part of me says,
I have Asperger’s in an environment of assholes,

As I wrote this beginning draft section in the break room I was being distracted by Judge Milian then Judge Judy on TV,
And not to judge judges..

However,
As for me too frequently,
I know even when I don’t understand the context,
and details due to being thrown off by high level learning challenges and emotional intensity,

In general,

The energy what I take in TOO often lay, especially from those who are MORE POWER AND AUTHORITY than me such as who I SEE AND HEAR ON MAINSTREAM TV doesn’t feel right to me,
And although I believe in ACCOUNTABILITY,
I believe in empathy,
And I believe PUNISHMENT is different since for me,
it has not helped me see clearly,
And since we have a right to a FAIR TRIAL as I STRONGLY agree,
Let’s take that OPPORTUNITY,
To use it empathically,
And yes I’d probably be far more aggressive if not permissive than celebrity judges but honestly..
STILL..
There’s just SO much intensity,
That blinds me excessively from helpful empathy and thinking sufficiently clearly to help myself and contribute the best I can to making living have more peace, happiness and equanimity,

Although I know this,
Yes,
I can still be judgmental too insensitively and EXCESSIVELY,

But since I can also be a nice,
sensitive person who looks to better myself to help myself and be more equipped at helping others..
Well..
The fact that I still feel “in the wrong” and just not well although I’m trying to do everything they suggest,
I still have this pain,
such as in my chest,
And well..
it just does NOT emotionally feel right,

And I have to say,
Since I’m SURE that I’m not the only one who does NOT want to be the victim of discrimination,
Since I’m in an environment that “does not discriminate”,
The way I respond to how those react to my autism builds distracting hate in me..

When I was younger,
I might’ve tried to apologize to get them to like me,
even though,
It was THEM,
Who were perpetuating harmful energy UNWARRANTEDLY!!

Yet,

I’m NOT allowed any victim mentality according to many in society,
I’m NOT allowed to fight,
And I don’t for reasons I believe that doesn’t awaken but makes stuff more painful,
However,
They way I respond to how others responding to me,
To me,
Does not seem,
Does not feel RIGHT,

Today was my first day at “produce” handling,
and since they’re “second in the nation”, that produced,
more hopelessness and anxiety in me, since I don’t view myself as “excellent”, since where I work values “excellence”,

In one of the orientation training videos they said perfectionism “is unhealthy”, hence (not to sound arrogant)
All the inner pain I have from OCD interferes with my EXCELLENT capability which the company I work for EXPECTS of me,

Since it’s clear to me the importance of and why they value “excellence” instead of obsessive compulsive inefficient “perfection”,
With all my inner insecure struggles that manifest in OCD,
Well,
I just won’t produce enough excellence to handle produce to keep their reputation..
I expect from others, lots of judgment and aggression for failing to meet their “excellence” expectations,

And in another video at orientation,
They said where I work values treating others with “respect” and is AGAINST discrimination which includes,
including hiring and respecting those with levels of autism like me,

And although where I work values “respecting those with different opinions”,
If they’re opinion causes them to feel a need to cause harm to me,
My opinion is I must show I believe they should not disproportionately mistreat me,
Especially if I did NOT cause any or excessive harm to the company,

But it was no surprise to me,
that my coworker at the register told me that “I must watch out for everybody”,
Since “It’s like high-school all over again” unfortunately,
And that,
“even though they’re adults”
Who shittalk others behind their back and to their face,
and have high-school and middle school drama over reasons that are just so damn petty,
But manifest (in my belief) out of pain and insecurity..

..

With all the toxic culture producing trauma,
insecurity and a disregard for paths of maturity,

THIS IS NO SURPRISE TO ME,

Even in a work environment that is expected to me among the most suitable for those like me,
To me,
it just does NOT SEEM RIGHT,
Hence it is seemingly NOT and good sign,
And as for what’s to come to me,
It sometimes (if not often) fills me with,
FRIGHT,

And yes,
It could obviously be much, MUCH worse,
But after people reprimand me due to being a slow, obsessive compulsive, anxious traumatized learning,
Sometimes,
I’ll indirectly express how they made me upset and they’ll often dismissively, simplistically say something like,
“You’ll be fine”,

But will I?
Will it be adequately “fine”?
Because knowing my past,
what I’m carrying in the present,
and all I fear for my future,
Will it really work out alright?
Since for reasons that I can go on and on about,

It just does not feel right..

I’m told I need to relax more,
and the cashier who I was helping load bags for,
GRABBED my 26 year old wrist to get my learning and emotionally challenged attention to supportively tell me,
I must not be around children in carts because if they yell
“it’s automatically your fault”,
and I’m like,
“you mean even if it’s not my fault I’ll get blamed for it?”
Then he nodded his head,
Then numerous times customers told him “thank you”,
but not nearly as often and sincerely to me,
even though I felt I was being treated more aggressively (even for a new guy) and I would not be surprised if others are shittalking me PROFUSELY,
but at least this job has “better long term benefits”,
but I still don’t feel I deserve all this level of bullshit,
and it’s hard regardless of the degree others mean it,
and the levels of understandable causes behind it,
As I always explain it,

And as for,
those who judge me brutally,
In order to “not try to selfishly be the better guy”,
but to help with the energy ..
at least online,
even though barely anyone reads my posts,
they’ll still be somewhere floating around..
So I’m doing my present best since I’m still around ..

And yesterday another kitchen coworker empathetically said,

“You seem like you hate it here”,

Then I briefly told him about my anxiety, learning and other challenges that came to mind,
Then he reminded me to,
“do what I enjoy”,

Even though I would if it was that easy,
Which I assume he knew and I do appreciate the supportive kindness he offered me,
Regardless of what he might be saying behind my back about me..?

Still,
Any kindness is always helpful for me,

Then another guy who answered a customer’s question for me,
questioned and looked down at me literally and figuratively suspiciously,
When I was telling him about my struggles and learning disabilities,
and instead of emphasizing at all that I could then feel and see,

He said,
like many others did,
as I already know ..
“it’s a fast paced environment”,
and he reminded me once again that I should “try my best”,

Which I’m DOING,

In order to experience life my best,
but I still guess,
many just do not care to understand how I struggle,
which I understand,
since it’s understandable,
that many want to focus on themselves to have the best experience they can have with their “typical” capability,
that I wish I had ..
and that guy seemingly reluctantly said “I’ll see you around”..
Then strolled the produce cart of empty boxes he just finished unloading in the compactor,
Away from me,

But I wonder,
As one of my supervisors told me,
About the petty drama,
shittalking,
And all that,
What that other guy and all others REALLY think and what they’re REALLY saying about me ..

Even one of my supervisors frivolously said,
“even though I’m your boy you also must watch out for me”,

Which I can see since,
throughout my life,
many have dark sides and since I have learning and emotional struggles I get why most,
even the nicest,
express anger at me to some degree eventually..,

Like the kind supervisor who said regarding produce he instructed me to handle,
“Hey why are they like that?”
Then,
“Talk to me”,
Then I said something like,
“Oh sorry”,
And eventually he was like,
“Since they know I’m the one training you they’ll be like ‘what did you tell him!?’”,
And I’m like “yeah I’m really sorry man”,
Then he was like,
“I’m just playing man”,
And then I’m like,
“Word I appreciate you telling me because most others haven’t been when they’ve talked that way to me”,
And then he said,
“Sorry”,
And that was when he eventually told me, after I asked,
That here I must,
“watch out for everybody”
even sides of him apparently,

And well as he said,
Aside that others may still tell me,
“Just relax, it’ll be alright”,
Lots of what I see,
Speaking for me.. obviously,
Does not seem right,
Sadly ..

And well ..

As I responded when the guy who grabbed my wrist asked either me or a passing customer, “How you doing?”
I said,
“Haven’t quit yet”,
Then got embarrassed because I wasn’t sure if he was talking to me,
But before that guy I was working for also told me,
“Once your here for a couple months” it’ll get better essentially,
But as always,
If I’m still adequately conscious,

I WILL SEE,

And,
I’m still looking for the best sustainable feeling,
in the best possible environment,
and I’m not giving up,
although it’s obvious I have not found it yet ..
Although I struggle to feel “up” while keeping my head up..
Although,
I understand people,
“know what they know”,
Although people can control what they can presently control..
Like I’m doing the best I presently remember and “know” especially for the degree I need self-control that’ll make it most likely I’ll work and/or interact adequately safely..

Although,
I understand that when the low-confident, fearfully obedient, hypersensitive part of myself gets offended even when others try to help me,
Clearly..
At least hopefully regarding offending me they “don’t mean it”,
even though it still instantly hits me or sometimes later on resurfaces,
and makes me feel like shit..

Even though as I implied,
I believe we all struggle for different reasons to different degrees to control inner insecurity and adversity..,

Even though all the bullshit,
is making it harder for me,
to not wind up on enough prescribed or non-prescribed harmful long term medication,
to remain in “control”..
Well,
Just letting go as much as I can will give me less hell..

And welp,
I need a FULL TIME job with NEEDED benefits,
and although I expect more and more various forms and levels of bullshit,

I’m not giving up,
Yet continuing to,
SHOW UP,

And,
At least I still..
have not yet,
“permanently” lost it,

Also,
If anyone gets in trouble due to me telling someone else how they insanely mistreated me,
over nothing important,
I’ll “keep it real” with them,
Since I also deserve a job,

And since I should NOT be discriminated against,
just because I have my level of autism..

I am literally DONE trying to be nice to those who aren’t nice to me,
just to get them and others to like me..
Yes.. that was the part of me I’m trying to control for the importance of the development and sustenance of my inner and all other healing energy..

Again,
I would not be surprised if many or at least certain people are talking “mad shit about me”,
Seriously,
I don’t get “special treatment”,
If you read this and other posts that may be enough to prove it,
and the reason why I try to briefly tell people about my autism is so they know .. but they unfortunately often forget,
when they’ll have a worse than usual day .. or experience worse than usual pain in whatever way,
they’ll see me as another obstacle harmfully in their perfectionist way or insecure way,
and will then say something that may easily ruin my day,
Then likely will stick with me in some way ..

I repeat similar occurrences due to similar experiences,
with the intention of describing them in a clearer and clearer way ..
and even though I may not express better or may instead express worse ..
of course I still wish at least enough of my written expression helps contribute to some good,
needed force,

I have to also say that,
If we need to be informed to experience life for ourselves,
Or help others experience life better,
Then in that case ignorance is NOT “bliss”,
but may more accurately be regarded,
as to whatever degree deliberately or accidentally ignoring or not considering what can make us feel better in any present we’re experiencing,

?

At least I still,
Have,
Not yet,
quit,

At least I still,
haven’t yet,
“lost my shit”,

I’m “getting my shit together”,
and still trying to prepare myself better,
for more shit to come,

I’m,

Still in it

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