Examining My Life

Yesterday,
I saw a financially successful looking customer say,
On the phone,
In a relaxed confident articulate voice,
“Stop crying!”
Then he said,
“There’s no reason to cry,”
And then I believe it was..
“STOP CRYING!!”

Well,
How did he know inside whoever he was talking to that there was “no reason to cry”,
If any occurance is occurring,
I would guess, somehow, even if we don’t know or “can’t know it”, there’s always some logical cause, or “reason”, or many reason(s),
Why,

?

Same for his reasoning why he believed whoever he was talking to had,

“no reason to cry”..

Same for my reason,
of judging him as a surface level judgmental asshole who didn’t need to try to “wake up” in order for to learn to let go of his hypersensitive emotions so they don’t prevent him from survival,
I judged him as not having as bad of,
if any,
learning struggles,
emotional struggles (aside from lacking a certain level of empathy),

Since I JUDGED,
at least by his behavior in that present moment,
That he didn’t adequately experience them..

?

So I guess that was ONE reason why whoever he was talking to,
who was crying,
might have been crying about.. ?
And maybe him being so insensitive and out of touch,
and hard on anyone’s non-problematic imperfections,
is a reason why whoever he was talking to was crying ?

And by saying “stop crying”,
How was he offering gentle,
clear to understand,
helpful advice for the crying individual to feel better?
To experience more moments,
As more peaceful,
equanimous,
and happier?
Just by saying “stop crying”..
Regardless of crying or not,
What is his take on all possible effects of responding to intense emotional and/or physical sentient feelings,

?

Was he trying to tell the crying individual what they “needed to hear”?
In order to become more like him?
Assuming the same regarding crying was numerous times told to him,
Hence,
Instead of healing and improving emotional responses,
He just merely decided to “pass on” with no improvement..?

I ask these questions,
In order to further attempt to know more of how to really handle emotion for our inner development,
In order to facilitate all external advancement,
Such as..
What are the essential emotional components?

If I would’ve confronted the seemingly middle age man,
Who instructed whoever on the phone more than once to “Stop crying!”,
I may have received a similar response,
That my mom did,
When I was very young,
At the literal same retail grocery store,
Which I presently,
recently started working at..

When I became startled by at least a couple crying children,
Remembering seeing one sitting in the shopping cart,
immensely,
PROFUSELY sobbing,
(I believe.. if I remember correctly..)
Also having his hand on his face..
When my mom said something to that mother,
By saying some like..
“Please do not hit your children!”
And then saying,
“It’s very hard for my children to see!”
Causing the mother to respond to my mother,
in front of me,
in front of the other shoppers,
in front of whoever others such as store retail workers, supervisors, managers..
(similar to the guy on the phone telling whoever to not cry..) by replying to my mother,
“MIND YOUR OWN FUCKING BUSINESS!!”

And then,
At least as of now,
I don’t precisely remember the rest,
But I believe,
We then continued shopping,

Aside from all the levels of micro and macro reasons,
That in my belief,
May be infinitely traced back in infinite different directions,
As for why they occurred..

?

As for me and my emotional needs when NEEDED,
I look for direct communication,
No excessive sarcasm,
I had enough of that,
Got enough pointless shame from others,
And passive aggression,

There’s a lot I KNOW I need to hear,
But how others want to teach me,
I fear,

Okay here’s a metaphor,
I fear any friendship sinking in cold,
cold water,
And my dying alone on pitch back surroundings,
alone in cold black water,
Aside from being strapped down, set on fire,
Put in a stove,
Buried alive,
Attacked by one or many frightening spiders..
Well..

Back to this..

And since my learning and social challenges,
cause me to struggle to a greater degree,
I may hear,
Whatever others want me to hear,
To a painfully louder degree?
Whether it’s how they dismiss me,
Or how I dismiss them,
But I often assume MANY of them don’t have equally bad PAYING ATTENTION deficits,
Their attention may be more equipped for technical and emotional survival when facing any equal struggle,
So am I too frequently,
“dismissing them”,
Equally intentionally ?

Just asking ..

You can and must remind me of my problematic behavior since,
If I overlook it over and over,
However,
And since one of my struggles happens to be hypersensitivity,
I fear how aggressive and mean others may correct me,
Even those who are nice to me and who I connect with deeply,
Since I believe all of us have many sides,
Including those who would get irritated it me,
And since I get irritated at myself,
I wouldn’t think it’s just myself..

And,
Since,

Getting too offended doesn’t help me think,
And learn clearly,
With the emotional discomfort,
Any form of harmful energy fills me,
And inhibits my cognitive thinking ability with,
Which I would GUESS is ONE reason why bullying may “shrink the brain”?

(Yes.. I could additionally do more research.. Still..)

And that doesn’t help with my confidence,
To attain for independent typical adult living,
I hope to meaningfully sustain,

Well..

I often have learned what may be considered (especially by me) “the hard way”,
Even though many may have assumptions in their own way ?
As long as their different opinions don’t cause them too brutally harm me,
Then I’ll MORE LIKELY accept their social company to a reasonable degree,

It often had to do with my anxiety,
learning challenges,
and low confidence failing with communication,
Why I compulsively want to correct everyone who I assume,
if not to some degree clearly see,
Have harmful misunderstandings of me,
Like assuming I’m being “sarcastic” when I’m NOT,
Then thinking I’m an asshole,
And thinking my struggles to complete a task are due to me being “lazy” instead of my learning challenges and emotional atypical vulnerabilities as distractions,
But since I believe correcting every misunderstanding,
Is bad for needed efficiency,
I’ll hope the bad energy will go away,
Regardless if they don’t eventually,
“benefit me” with their eventual “doubt”,
In their negative perception of me eventually..,

(I quoted that because it’s from a commonly known saying..)

Okay so,
The more aware I am,
The more I can likely safely self-advocate,
Even with the intention of trying to mitigate,
My surrounding environment,
Or world that is filled with fearful hate,

No,
I do NOT promote aggression to those who mistreat me,
As I CLEARLY implied if not said explicitly,
In my post,
And really all them which I guess,
Somehow include energy regarding,
ACCOUNTABILITY,

Since my posts come from my beliefs,
I believe,
Our beliefs,
We’re accountable for reasonably aligning our behavior with,

I also believe we must “examine life” in order to get the most out of it,
(Yes.. the Socrates quote regarding examining life..),
I feel these poems result from me examining my life experiences,
Such as how I responded to the man on the phone who directed expressed his objection to the person crying on the phone, as a clear release of (I would guess for them),
unusually difficult emotion,
In desperate need of alleviation,

It’s just that,
Like in my post titled “So There”,
The MORE I “see the big picture”,
The LESS likely I am to suffer,

And since what is internal,
Manifests in the external,
Hence,
The MORE aware I am of how to properly cultivate peace and feeling good the way I want,
The MORE I’ll do it,
Then the MORE I’ll feel it,
So I’ll KNOW how to helpfully use the most of it,

So therefore,
In my belief as always (as I often say),
The more I develop, or,
The more I “cultivate”,
A type of energy in me,
The more,
I’ll give off that certain type of energy,
Then the more likely I’ll attract and receive that particular type of energy,

Although in my belief there’s never a 100 percent guarantee,
However..
If I’m peaceful,
And emanate peace around me,
My energy may fill my surroundings and more likely protect me,

Hence the peace in me will (more likely (I guess)),
Somewhat heal the pain in me,
Less likely causing the inner painful build-up in me,
To explode into a painful catastrophe to whatever (as I often say) micro or macro degree,
When any form of painful energy from others spills out from the pain in them onto me..
Such as while working in retail,
A completely unwarranted emotional aggression to whatever micro or macro degree as a result of me not being able to answer their impatient,
Expectant,
Unimportant question,

AND IF,
My peaceful energy gets attacked by other’s toxic irrational,
traumatized and overly self-entitled aggressive or defensive energy,
My peaceful awareness will,
NOT guarantee,
but still (I guess, and HOPE) will help protect me to MORE LIKELY remain,
in a place of sane,
Peacefulness,
Especially so I maintain,
At least,
My present state of existence..

So,
I’ll LESS likely respond aggressively,
defensively,
And I’ll less likely escalate the situation catastrophically..
And I know,
Such as when driving,
There were moments when I have COMPLETELY failed to access good energy,
Instead..,
I’ve responded aggressively,

Due to my painful autistic history,
Creating a tempting overly self-entitled,
Victim mentality,

And have gotten VERY lucky,
To be here again,
Posting today (or tonight..),

Anyway,
Although there’s no guarantee,
However,
The energy I give off,
Is how I come across to other beings of energy,
And therefore it is the energy I’m more likely to attract and receive,

If I’m looking to join others in developing good energy,
The more I develop true good energy,
Then the more likely they’ll accept me,
Since the more I show this likeable energy, (an example of giving it off, or I guess “emanating” it..),
The more they’ll want to be around me,
Which is an example of attracting their good company or “energy” to join them for me and them to receive helpful “energy”,
Or share in the process of developing good life energy,

However,
If my energy is low confidence,
Or lack of self-control, FEARFUL, and therefore more DESPERATE and easier for others to control,
As a result of developing,
and emanating those harmful types of energy,
I’ll more likely give off energy that can make me more vulnerable to others who are with energy that is harmful,
Such as energy that is looking to fool others into their powerful control,

In this case,
I’ll more likely attract others who are seeking to control,
and excessively get something out of me, in a way that’s greatly harmful for me,

Hence I’ll receive toxic energy,

Of course hopefully it does NOT kill,
maim,
shorten or “ruin” my life too significantly..
(If at all obviously..)

Aside from the fact,
that I don’t want this harmful energy at all obviously..

Like me and my fragile insecure energy that increases my vulnerability,
To insatiably heal their own unaware insecure energy,
Instead of also trying to appreciate more that is in the present naturally,
And not attained through medication whether prescribed or socially,
That can be abused and cause harm later on..
for example..

The individuals with more power than me,
But who operate through the same type of destructive mentality,
Will be attracted to my vulnerability in order to feed off of me for their own security,
Whether it’s to feel more personal self-esteem “security” by “proving” to themselves they’re “better” than me by harming me such as asserting dominance over me,
Such as by beating me up or torturing me,

And of course they’ll want more insatiably,

Since,
through those means of external power seeking,
by brutally controlling another external being like me,
Will NOT get them in touch with appreciating,
What there can be to appreciate in the present moment,
Since they’ll always look infinitely in the wrong direction..
Instead of ever adequately consistently practicing true meaningful peaceful cultivation..

They’ll seek external control as a way to always feel more secure of what must me healed in the internal,
They’ll turn to a guy like me,
Try to get my money..
Try to exploit me,
Try to violently harm me..
All to feel more dominance and “assurance” of a “good” feeling of power and security,

And the world as it is today,
If we stay informed adequately,
If we find information sources we EXAMINE in order to sufficiently TRUST,
Well..
Aside from realizing and catching onto what we experience day to day,
We may wee this type of control on whatever level of micro and/or macro ways..,

So to examine life,
If we remain “stuck in our ways”,
Are we really experiencing in at least,
Reasonably preferred ways..

Just asking,
Since,
I’d like to know more,
For myself,
What I may be experiencing,

Which again is why,
I’m trying to examine the present physical form I’m in..
What that is a part of,
And how it relates,

Such as in this post,

My previous public posting,
My writing,
and in whatever moment during whatever I may be doing,

And my bad,
inadequately presently aware insecure energy won’t likely (INSTANTLY (if ever)) show them a better way,
So they’ll stay and endanger others including people like me,
Especially on their way of brutality..
Because of reasons such as my desperation for friends,
For reasons such as,
My desperation for the company of ANYBODY,
Which,
May make me turn to and trust them far more easily,
Than those in less vulnerable personal and environmental circumstances than me..

?

Also,
If they wanted me to work for them in their external search for control of the external,
due to excessive fearful ENERGY,
By brutally CONTROLLING others due to excessive FEAR of DISORDER..
Well..
My same fear of society being unstable,
May make me more likely to trust and “join with” them..

Of course,
An example may be money as an obsessive addiction of feeling in control,
So..
(Based on my belief(s) formed out of my experience(s) in my belief(s)..)
The less our awareness appreciates what’s internal,
And here all around right now,
The more narrow it’s vision becomes on how to feel “stable”..
The more it expects,
The less it accepts..

The more conditions it tells us it “requires” to feel well,
The easier it is to feel unwell,
So it (such as my insecure external seeking (non-inner healing considering) ego (I guess)) will more likely go through hell,
To feel well,
And will more likely give others hell,
Out of its level of desperation to feel well,

(Hypothetically speaking of my ego.. Obviously.. (not that I expect it to do this.. Especially since I’m trying to EXAMINE myself in order to continually learn to appreciate more and continually, increasingly PREVENT this..))

So,
(In my belief..),
The energy we cultivate,
Seems to NOT guarantee,
But affect the likelihood,
or chances,
Of the type of energy we surround ourselves with,
hence attract,
as well as receive,

At least,
As always..
That’s something I believe,

And even if we’re controlled brutally by fearful insatiable external seeking insecurity,
Or perpetual excessive fear of “instability”,
Whether it is from our own internal being,
Or whatever type(s) of authority,
Well..
Although there’s no guarantee,
(In my belief..),
The more we try to develop peace and equanimity,
The more likely,

We live peacefully and/or equanimously..

Yes,
Although I may also be quite bad at this,
I still try to adequately consistently,
EXAMINE my life and/or present experience,

To,
As I guess we all would practically prefer,
Regardless of the extent that we’re currently regarding this,
Make the best of this experience

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