Toxic Perfection

I’m filled with so much obsessive insecurity already,
I don’t want to be emotionally attacked over issues that are so petty,
Yet I feel so many make what’s harder so much unnecessarily harder than it is already,

If I wasn’t an obsessive perfectionist,
I’d be able to think less obsessively,
More clearly and efficiently,
To perform more “perfectly”,

Obsessive compulsive perfection,
As impulsive overcompensation due to others making it harder for me such as my autistic learning challenges with sustaining attention,
And in combination with responding to difficult emotion,
Has made me an easy target to get pointlessly criticized due to my imperfection,
In order for others to feel less “security” and more ego “satisfaction”..

So they just make it hard for me,

I try to be the best I can be by aspiring in directions that feel REASONABLE to me,
Directions that do not inhibit me,
That are driven out of insecurity,

If I don’t adequately sustain a practice of healing all the obsessiveness and toxic perfection in me,
The emotional pain may somehow destroy me,
Such as others being pointlessly mean to me due to expressing their impatience with my imperfections they conspicuously notice in me,

I struggle my best to roll with the punches they give me as a result of meeting their petty expectations “just perfectly”,
Since I struggle “atypically”,
It is NOT fair of them to “typically” expect of me,
And it is ESPECIALLY not fair to expect great PERFECTION of me,

And the way they get angry at me for not performing perfectly,
Just gives me more anger and insecurity,
Instead of helping me open up for my own survival and advancement to really be “more perfect”..

Aside from advancing,
I NEED to adequately maintain staying awake and alert of what may destroy me internally,
Such as obsessive toxic perfectionist insecurity which has built up in me due to my vulnerability,
And makes me immensely vulnerable in this toxic perfectionist elitist judgmental society,

I was forced to try to “awaken” or “understand” myself to a NEEDED degree to survive through all the pointless, yet immensely painful punches others throw at the wounded parts of me,

I’m deflecting, self-defending and responding continually in ways presently I see safest to me,

I must NEVER overstep my NEEDED rights to survive and be included in any culture and/or community