Inevitable Surroundings

It’s hard to not break,
When people don’t give me a break,

I can’t change others,
So I can’t stop them from being mean to me,
And I can’t change what others as part of institutions may do to me,
If I break eventually,

My autistic learning disabilities and hypersensitivity makes it too hard for me,
And instead of helping me,
Others make it even harder on me,
With their constant judgment,
aggressive negative insecure energy that they add to my painful emotional hypersensitivity,
Exacerbating the pain in me,
..
And never helpfully acknowledging (if ever),
Their behavior/energy towards me,
That makes it hard for me,
To remain inwardly peaceful,
..

And if I lose it,
The heavy medication and mainstream belief in punishment,
(Among whatever..),
Will make it even harder,

Because we live in a unconsciously developed culture of excessive fear,
Excessive judgment,
Excessive closed-mindedness,
Excessively LACKING clear critical thinking,
And excessively LACKING an EMPHASIS on all around present awareness expansion,
To meaningfully cleanse and improve all the ways on any micro and macro levels,
In which we individually,
interdependently and interconnectedly,
Function,

So many,
Are locked in to forces of unconscious attention,
And those who struggle LESS to pay attention,
Those who do NOT have any level of autism, learning and/or developmental greater than typical struggles..,
Those who struggle LESS with emotional regulation,
Even if they’re equally or more unconscious,
Even if they emotionally processed way less,
Will still have an easier time functioning,
Especially since,
Their typical unawareness fits right in,
On the same and/or similar page,
To most others of the dominant culture,

Instead of being atypically challenged like me,
Instead of feeling alone,
excluded,
judged,
dismissed,
mistreated, etc, etc..,

They misunderstand me,
and make it harder for me,
Endangering my sanity,
Due to emotionally breaking due to not handling all the mean toxic energy they emanate towards me,
Which fills me,
And as a result makes me become,
more internally out of balance,
Threatening my awareness,
and physical safety,
Increasing my vulnerability,
Since I’m less aware,
More of a pushover,
Since I therefore innately have greater challenges with self-control due to emotional hypersensitivity and damaged confidence due to being labeled painfully weighing inside me,
..
Causing me to do and over-emotionally and hyperbolically say stuff getting me in even bigger trouble,

Even if what I do and say is understandable,
Such as joking about harming someone who bullied me,
(Or adding to another’s joke regarding me doing that),
And regardless that I don’t believe in MANY stuff I say (such as that) when I just want to vent how I feel,
And..,
Regardless that I believe in letting go and being in the moment,
Most others,
In their states of fearful judgmental unconsciousness,
Won’t understand this,

So I’ll just end up having a more and more painful existence,
Whether it’s from too much medication,
Whatever person,
Exclusive and sadistic friend/acquaintance groups,
Hierarchy(s),
And/or,
Or institution(s),

When others with their bad energy doesn’t give me a break,
and becomes too much for me,

When I’m locked into painful unconscious insecure states such as severe obsessive behavior,
Even the slightest negativity from others,
Sometimes if not often,
Can feel like..,
Maybe not torture..(?),
Yet,
Really fcking painful, And just too fcking much to handle..,

When I do break,
I can’t expect those who unconsciously broke me to consciously help and compassionately acknowledge the damaging effects they had on me,
Because they’ll remain unconscious,
Sadly..,

And since I can’t always escape from bad energy (if ever),
Since fighting will add more inner resistance,
Therefore making it feel worse due to less acceptance,
I must continually,
Practice,
Detaching,
And noticing,
Without painfully negatively judging,
All the mean,
insecure,
judgmental,
however harmful energy,
That inevitably,
Surrounds me,

And although being consistent at this isn’t easy,
I must not go crazy due to all the forms I encounter of toxic energy,
For my own and others safety,
Evidently,

And yes,
With all the unconsciousness,
All the unaccessed and undiscovered capability,
All the fear and increasing likelihood and literal violent and oppressive unconscious chain reactions on whatever micro and/or macro level that still exist up to this point,
And with moments in which I feel brutally alone in my belief(s) and or world views,
Still,
While I keep trying my best,
I must,
Resist less,
And accept more,
To reduce inner painful resistance damaging anger, sadness,
Or any type of harmful,
damaging,
vulnerability increasing emotional distress,

Yes..