Distractions

My ego keeps me insecurely focused on what I don’t have,
What I “must achieve”,
What is “wrong with me”,
INSTEAD of,
All I’ve been blessed to have presently,

My ego feels bad that I’m not a better juggler,
Writer,
That I’m not as knowledgeable when it comes to many fields of study,
INSTEAD of,
Appreciating all my comforting economic privilege,
INSTEAD of,
My good physical health,
INSTEAD of,
Not only knowing,
But feeling real gratitude and appreciation,
For all there is that my ego’s attention,
Distracts my attention from focusing on,

My ego’s vision is so narrow,
It blocks out all there is to appreciate,
It makes me ongoingly sad or depressed,
And while knowing it does this,
I’ve obsessively compulsively cultivated so much of this,
As an unconscious response tendency to adversity,
Since I didn’t know how to inwardly respond properly to the bullshit life threw at me,
And I continue to struggle with this sadly,

My ego focuses on “getting even”,
With other egos that have severely bullied it,
or somehow deliberately hurt it,
INSTEAD of,
Letting go and focusing on the most practical direction in which my life MUST continually go,

Obsessive thinking and behavior,
In response to anxiety and unconscious built up insecurity that other egos have exacerbated in me, due to their toxic and destructive energy,
Has kept me locked out of my truth for so long,
That if it keeps doing this,
I don’t know how much longer I’ll last,
Because without true strength,
I evidently,
Won’t have,
And won’t sustain,
As much true,
And,
NEEDED,
strength,

And because for years,
This label “autism”,
Has conditioned and locked me into a false sense of identity,
That limits and fucks up confidence in me,

And I just keep struggling with a label that tells me,
I can’t keep up on the same page,
..
That I’m “wired differently”,
Therefore I expect to feel so fucking lonely,
And incapable,
Because most aren’t like me,
And honesty,
I don’t trust those labeled like me,
Because of the individualistic ego impulsive society,
Because of that most of them came from different backgrounds and we’re all individuals in a dysfunctional developed culture,
..
And truthfully we’re all fucking individuals,
Not defined by labels,

……

Still..

The bullshit continues